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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When i'm God..........

137 replies

HollyRocks · 04/08/2023 23:06

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 05/08/2023 13:07

For my penance I vow to pay it forward and pick up another dogs cold poo at next opportunity? Or do I still get the big whammy punishment?

As you're repentant, your punishment will simply be that you tread in a dogshit when you're trying to dispose of your next baggie.
(The punishment for people who leave dogshit right next to the bin so that people using it responsibly step in it is too terrible to spell out on this forum)

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/08/2023 12:55

I want autosmite for people who take all sorts of food, drink, napkins etc into a park for a picnic or BBQ but then don't put it in a bin or take it home to put in their own bin, so just leave it on the grass. How about when they get home they find all their rubbish lying on the hall floor?

Readingineading · 05/08/2023 12:54

Hi God, could you do anything about making my dog stay healthy, happy and alive for the rest of my life ? Or if not could you absolutely guarantee that when he goes he is met on the other side by my dad as he loved him to bits too?

Countdown2023 · 05/08/2023 12:46

Howtohideasausage · 05/08/2023 08:29

Someone’s already said about dog shit. Mine was that it would magically fly through the air and be driven into the owner’s face.

People who drop litter, similar punishment.

This is a top priority followed by those

those who leave public loos in a state - after all it is not hard to put paper in a bin or to flush a loo

those who leave disposable coffee cups in random places

FastnetLundyRockall · 05/08/2023 12:45

I think all women should be able to send jolts of electricity from their fingers, as per The Power by Naomi Alderman. But maybe lose it if used unjustifiably

ChittyBangabang · 05/08/2023 12:41

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 03:50

Punish women who are over friendly with married men 🙏

Wow

irrationalsense · 05/08/2023 12:40

And or carpet cleaning services for the bit by my bed

irrationalsense · 05/08/2023 12:39

@squirrelsnut and the dog poo party I need to ask for forgiveness. I have a dog and once I left a poo on the grass verge. It was once and it was recently. If I get a fair trial I was at the time having a kind of burnout, my daughter had self harmed and my DH had gone to work overseas. Everything felt chaotic and out of control. I just managed to walk dog in the midst of it all. One day The dog poo bag holder was empty, I panicked. Looked around for another dog walker to ask. And was rushing home to check child had not done anything bad again.

For my penance I vow to pay it forward and pick up another dogs cold poo at next opportunity? Or do I still get the big whammy punishment?

Checking so I can arrange childcare...

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 12:17

I can volunteer for demigod duties on the 25th if that works for everyone? I can't do the 26th as I've got a marathon "IS it cake? Part 2 " session and I can't be doing any smiting whilst that's on.

Can we have a smite for those car exhausts which go BANG BANG BANG! for no reason please? I'm thinking instant and irreversible door locking, followed by an hour of Vogon poetry emanating from the stereo for every BANG!

RhiWrites · 05/08/2023 12:04

Be back in a minute, off to do a bunch of nasty things to get rainbow skin.

Autumntimeagain · 05/08/2023 11:25

I'd like peoples skin colour to change whenever they've done something wrong.

e.g You're snippy at someone because you're actually jealous ? Skin turns green.
You tell a lie ? Skin turns bright red.
You've cheated on your partner ? Your skin turns purple.

You do lots of nasty things ? Your skin has bloody rainbows !

DRS1970 · 05/08/2023 11:22

I would just have to get louder wind chimes so I could hear them through the tinnitus... 🙃

ShatteredMum23 · 05/08/2023 11:19

@HollyRocks rather than motorbikes noise I was thinking more like really loud smoke alarm noises. Maybe let them think it's stopped briefly and then start again

Original poster

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 10:34

@ErrolTheDragon I think i love you

OP posts:

PowerToTheGnomes · 05/08/2023 10:28

Yes to the wind chimes
May I add
People who suddenly stop just inside a shop entrance
People who only look over ONE shoulder when reversing out of a parking space
Men who wear dungarees as a fashion statement
Self serving checkouts with no manned option
Folk songs
Playing the recorder
The use of hun, babe and fucking fur baby 😆

Screamingabdabz · 05/08/2023 10:15

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 03:50

Punish women who are over friendly with married men 🙏

Reverse the internalised misogyny that blames women for cruelly ‘tempting’ poor defenceless men. 🙄

ErrolTheDragon · 05/08/2023 10:10

Oh those weekend bikers ... I was thinking of tripwires but I suppose we don't really want to decimate the stock of middle aged accountants etc ... I'd transform their ridiculous noisy machines into tiny bicycles when they're at the furthest point from civilization along the erstwhile quiet country lane and they'd have to pedal miles wearing their leathers with their knees sticking out. (And obviously they'd need to throw themselves into hedges to let other traffic go by)

Newestname002 · 05/08/2023 10:00

Make it possible for me to go back in time and correct my mistakes, without any adverse effects to me or others;

Enable personal teleportation without any lack of personal security;

Able to magically turn off sounds around me, like people who play music without headphones, loud conversations, building work, etc. Bliss! 🌹

Original poster

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 09:58

A screenshot from another thread, maybe a good solution for sexual crimes??

OP posts:

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/08/2023 09:38

on. 🙄

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/08/2023 09:37

Could we have some high profile epiphanies please. I'm thinking Putin and Trump for starters.

Then you could work on the day-to-day arseholes that blight our lives on at a more personal level.

Bonjovispjs · 05/08/2023 09:36

Make anyone who walks down the street with their noses buried in their phones, not looking where they're going, walk into a tree.

Original poster

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 09:34

@ShatteredMum23 I already have a system in mind that covers that. When you're sitting in your garden at the weekend and a loud motorcycle goes past, disturbs maybe a thousand people for 30 seconds each, that adds up to about 8 hours worth of noise. So when they get home, they have 8 hours of a loud noise, and i'll let you decide what noise. Does that sound ok with you? The job's yours if you want it, can you start today?

@Hawkins009 Possibly yes, even though I have no idea what that means. I googled it and read a couple of sentences but it hurt my head

OP posts:

7Worfs · 05/08/2023 09:21

RhiWrites · 05/08/2023 09:16

What if any part of a car over a dropped curb rusts away to nothing? @7Worfs

That would work!

Original poster

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 09:17

@RhiWrites I could put some leeches in it.......

OP posts:

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