When i'm God..........

I'm going to get left with being the Archangel of fucking itching powder and spoons aren't I?

Can you make it be actual summer please instead of this horrid gloomy pissy weather?
Can all people who hurt animals be infested with a million incurable fleas? Especially concentrated around their genitals.
I'm available to smite the evil and annoying for an hour every other Thursday but I want to be in charge of something proper smity, I'll let you pick as long as it's not spoons.

No! I'd be being summoned by leather workers all the time.

Maybe I could be the god of axe jackets. Then I'd be summoned by slightly irritable lumberjacks. This pleases me.

Can you just redistribute wealth so that people stop starving to death, and put women in charge so that wars stop.
I am certain if women were in charge they would find a way to stop most fighting.

For the hands of anyone feeding horses without permission to wither and fall off. If it’s a child the arsehole of a parent to lose their hands instead. Ditto any harmful interference with horses or livestock.
A penis that shrinks by an inch whenever the owner mansplains. With the corresponding size to be tattooed on their forehead.
Car drivers that can’t stay within lane, or make their bloody minds up which they’re aiming for, to be sent to a purgatory of resitting their test, and failing, a million times. Ditto anyone that can’t manoeuvre or fails to make progress.
Anyone that bangs on about paying 15% interest back in the day to immediately exchange places with a younger person with a similar career.
People that stand in or near where anyone with half a brain cell could expect a pit, and then become annoyed by said pit, to be banned from all live music for eternity.

Yes humans as a whole are not perfect, but why should other civilisations rule instead,

That humans minds are upgraded to their full intellectual capacity, so that we can conquer and rule the galaxies

Fine. But I want to be the god of something random, like spoons. I don't have time to be getting invoked on a regular basis. Nobody ever summons the spoon god.

We also need a small corner of Hell reserved for anyone who has ever used the phrase "my personal style is a mix of high Street and vintage thrift store finds".

I thank you for your kind attention on this matter.

I believe 'a trouser' had a vogue too. Could go well with 'a wedge heel'.

You'd be a perfect fit. When can you start?

I'd like to volunteer the sound of my 4yo's screaming for this. It makes you want to rip your ears off, and I'm pretty sure he could keep it up for 8 hours. Ideal punishment for the bikers going up and down my street when I've FINALLY got him settled in bed.

People who say things like 'a red lip', 'a wedge heel' or 'a smoky eye' should only be allowed to use lipstick on either their upper or lower lip but not both, eyeshadow only on right or left eye and hop around in one shoe.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g a friend recently told me she was "curating her ears" which apparently is wankychat for buying earrings.

I second your proposal and am prepared to do 8 hours a month as Archangel in charge if itching powder.

I could provide a fairly long list of words and phrases that deserve a bit of autosmiting. Anybody using 'curate' for something not related to museums and art galleries, for example, or 'sourcing' ingredients from Sainsbury's to try a new recipe, or 'researching' train times by looking at a timetable. Maybe they could develop an annoying itch every time they used something from the forbidden list.

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

In which case I would reciprocate by giving it to anyone who lets their offspring shriek all day in the garden, far worse than the tinkling of windchimes, such an MN obsession.

I could help you with a list of who St Peter should refuse admission to.

@ErrolTheDragon I accept my fate. I'm off to step in dog shit.

Before I do, can I just check in to see if I get a last-minute reprieve because when I was 5 I rolled down a hill in a park on my side and emerged at the end covered head to toe in dog shit. My parent stripped me naked, threw me in the boot and hosed me off in the garden. (It was acceptable in the 80's).

Could that mean time already served?

Big knife for garden trampolines please God. They are the work of the devil.

I am going to ban chewing gum and talking on phones in trains and buses.

Calorie-free cake, please.
Make it a Superfood, in fact.

Make gender disappear, so that people can present however they like and this has no bearing on whether they’re a woman or a man. Far more progressive.

If a cyclist tries to ride on a non-shared pavement, I think their wheels should instantly freeze until they get off.

Cigarette smoke / vape vapour should all blow over the smoker. Whichever way the wind’s blowing.

Wood chimes are okay, nice even. The metal ones make me very upset too.