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AIBU?

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Original poster

When i'm God..........

137 replies

HollyRocks · 04/08/2023 23:06

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 06/08/2023 18:40

Yes, accompanied by young children in the very early stages of learning to play the violin.

For people who talk in the cinema or theatre, I suggest the rest of us could be issued with a zapper that renders offenders totally silent and still until the end of the performance. Ushers should be issued with similar to ensure all phones are switched off or silent.

midlifecrash · 06/08/2023 18:12

For the loud music in the early hours people - I suggest as soon as they have gone to sleep a small choir of tone deaf cherubim appear singing “MORNING HAS BRO-OKEN”

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 18:08

This was a swimming costume but I like this approach. INSTANT WEDGIE AND SINKAGE.

midlifecrash · 06/08/2023 18:07

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 17:12

Afternoon Gods, Demigods, Archangels.

What's the penalty for getting in the slow lane at swimming, and then swimming backstroke so fast you keep twatting people?

Sudden loss of buoyancy so that you sink to the bottom of the lane? Or maybe your trunks suddenly become two sizes too small

Seymour5 · 06/08/2023 17:50

Nohelpfromme · 05/08/2023 22:59

A song just for you...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-K4cEocL5kI

Show quote history

He is beyond brilliant!

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 17:12

Afternoon Gods, Demigods, Archangels.

What's the penalty for getting in the slow lane at swimming, and then swimming backstroke so fast you keep twatting people?

ErrolTheDragon · 05/08/2023 23:58

I reckon most of us are goddesses rather than gods though, and prefer the subtlety of cumulative slight inconveniences and unusual but fitting comeuppances to macho smiting. Your OP demonstrates the latter.

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 23:56

Smiteoku. That kind of thing.

Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 23:51

I think Archangel of Slight Inconvenience sounds like the kind of thing you'd do part time as a hobby when you retire from full time Godding. Just to keep your brain active. Better than crosswords

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 23:43

@NuckingFightmare Yes!!!! that kind of enthusiasm gets you any job you want, but please don't slap yourself too often. Save that for the mere mortals

@TrainspottingWelsh " unusual but fitting comeuppance"? It doesn't really sound very godly, does it? Call me old-fashioned, but I much prefer "cruel and unusual punishment". And there's nothing wrong with a bit of psychopathishness. I don't think gods were generally known for being calm and even tempered.

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 05/08/2023 23:07

@HollyRocks may I be the god of unusual but fitting comeuppance? (I considered cruel and unusual punishment but it makes me sound like a psychopath)

@YesitsBess I don’t know, archangel of slight inconvenience has a lot of scope for major annoyance. Eg some arsehole wrecked a small section of my fencing a few weeks ago. Retrieving the resulting escaped ponies from my neighbours field and hammering fence posts in at 6am was more than a slight inconvenience. But after ranting about it I was soon ok. I think I may have been slightly ott suggesting the perpetrators should be burned at the stake, when a lifetime of eating liver is more appropriate.
Meanwhile dp recently had a day full of minor inconvenience, eg tyre pressure light came on, cat slept on his clean work shirt, bakery ran out of his favourite lunch etc and he was positively blowing smoke by evening. I imagine if you could keep that up continually it would be quite fun. Certainly, we all laughed at dp ranting to himself.

Nohelpfromme · 05/08/2023 22:59

Tlolljs · 05/08/2023 07:08

People that open packets wrongly just rip cereal boxes open why don’t you?
People that open a new one of something when the same thing is already open!

A song just for you...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-K4cEocL5kI

John Shuttleworth - Two Margarines

An all time classic. Mr Shuttleworth sings 'Margarines' on the Mark Radcliffe show. Brilliant!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-K4cEocL5kI

NuckingFightmare · 05/08/2023 22:53

Ooh ooh <puts hand up> ooh can I be God over grown people that talk in baby voices to other adults? I'll make them slap themselves in the face!
Pweeeeaasee? <SLAP>
Ow.

Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 22:49

@FusionChefGeoff little flashing lights on their tummies? Awwwww so cute. And maybe a built in alarm in case you fall asleep.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 22:41

@TrainspottingWelsh you can definitely be in charge of that, very creative. Loving your work.

Maybe I do need a nap, my brimstone needs recharging. I definitely don't want to be the Archangel of slight inconvenience.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/08/2023 22:40

Give babies and small kids an indicator of how long this sleep / nap is going to be.

Have I got time to tackle some work / have a sleep myself or is this prioritise a wee / cup of tea / phone charger type situation??

Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 22:38

Oh yeah, much better @TrainspottingWelsh - are you available to take over until @YesitsBess is feeling more like her old self again?

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 22:35

We could have a spoon party

TrainspottingWelsh · 05/08/2023 22:33

Using extendable dog leads to be punished by a navigating a krypton factor like impossible course made from electric fencing tape attached to mains power. Or a 48 hour endurance skipping competition with electric fencing.

Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 22:29

slight water ingress??? slight? I think you've gone soft. I prefer the old you, the sulky you with your or there will be so...much...smiting

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 22:18

If they're also on their phones, that's a paddlin'

Hmmmmm. Maybe they should labour under the curse of inexplicable but constant slight water ingress into their left shoe until they stop?

Original poster
HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 22:14

.........infested with a million incurable fleas? Especially concentrated around their genitals. i like the way your mind works @NuckingFightmare

Of all the things for Gods to argue about, i didn't think it'd be spoons. So I'm doing the spoons. I like spoons.

Any suggestions please for people who use extendable dog leads in crowded places.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 22:06

I am going to be the sulkiest Archangel ever.

AND I'm going to demand tributes for all of my spoon endeavours or there will be so...much...smiting.

I want a birdhouse sized Chapel and offerings of Fanta, anything shiny or crochet frogs are acceptable. * *

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 05/08/2023 22:01

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 20:32

Fine. But I want to be the god of something random, like spoons. I don't have time to be getting invoked on a regular basis. Nobody ever summons the spoon god.

We also need a small corner of Hell reserved for anyone who has ever used the phrase "my personal style is a mix of high Street and vintage thrift store finds".

I thank you for your kind attention on this matter.

What about 'For God's sake, where do all the teaspoons keep disappearing to?' I'd say that comes up more often than you'd like.

Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 21:59

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 21:43

I'm going to get left with being the Archangel of fucking itching powder and spoons aren't I?

Pretty much

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