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AIBU?

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Original poster

When i'm God..........

137 replies

HollyRocks · 04/08/2023 23:06

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

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Nutterjacks · 13/08/2023 09:34

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 03:50

Punish women who are over friendly with married men 🙏

Make men's todgers flaccid for a month if they even think about straying 😉

MrsPetty · 13/08/2023 08:45

Can you please speed limit the car of anyone who tailgates and hassles other drivers to break the often unnecessary 20 mph speed limit in London 🙏🏻 yes it is annoying as hell but there are speed cameras everywhere … and I just don’t want the fine and speed school or points. Thanks!

CHIRIBAYA · 12/08/2023 08:35

Our mother who art in heaven,

Could you please spontaneously combust all psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and egocentric humans. & in case you miss anyone after this sweep please extend that to all supporters of Trump, Johnson, Sunak, Truss, Daily Mail readers, misogynists, people who harm animals for pleasure, climate saboteurs and Brexit voters.

If you could also reserve a special punishment for the individual who has strategically placed broken glass around my local badger sett I would be forever grateful. Having them dance barefoot on broken glass for eternity should suffice.

No need to keep on top of any heavenly maintenance as you will have created it here on earth.

StoatofDisarray · 12/08/2023 05:07

EmpressaurusOfCats · 05/08/2023 13:09

Make gender disappear, so that people can present however they like and this has no bearing on whether they’re a woman or a man. Far more progressive.

If a cyclist tries to ride on a non-shared pavement, I think their wheels should instantly freeze until they get off.

Cigarette smoke / vape vapour should all blow over the smoker. Whichever way the wind’s blowing.

Testify!

Nat6999 · 11/08/2023 23:23

Anyone who steps into someone's personal space vanishes to a pile of dust.

Nat6999 · 11/08/2023 23:19

I will wish tinnitus on anyone driving around with drum & bass blasting out. My tinnitus sounds just like someone is driving two streets away with it on.

Original poster
HollyRocks · 11/08/2023 23:18

And what would happen if you let a menopausal woman loose in a job like that? Mood swings! Brain fog! Tendency to burst into tears at random moments! This is really not going to end well.

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Original poster
HollyRocks · 11/08/2023 23:11

”ATTACK, CHERUBIM!” Those words fill me with fear @midlifecrash Far more than they should. The stuff of nightmares.

Thanks @TrainspottingWelsh but I don't really want to be chief god, i'm much better as part of a team and there's a lot of you who have shown that you're just as capable. And i really don't want to go back to working full time anyway. And at what age can a god retire? Now I'm thinking this wouldn't be such a good career choice. Maybe i've overreached myself. Maybe it's a job for someone younger?

OP posts:
BadLad · 11/08/2023 09:10

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 20:36

Well...yes? Fairly sure my Mother coined it.

I'm not sure who the public are but I've honestly never found someone who doesn't know what twatted means?

Show quote history

Richie uses it in Bottom.

”I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!”

LifeofBrienne · 11/08/2023 08:32

@Valeriekat All of them lie some of the time, but only some of them lie all the time! I’m old enough to remember when ministers deliberately lying in Parliament used to be a big deal.

Octosaurus · 11/08/2023 05:06

I know, punish people who chew with their mouths open by giving them extremely dry mouth so that they start closing their mouths

Valeriekat · 11/08/2023 04:52

LifeofBrienne · 05/08/2023 08:35

I’d like, please, a hologram lie detector that hovers above politicians’ heads and produces a bright red neon LIAR sign at appropriate moments. I’m wondering whether a DELIBERATELY MISLEADING response would also be useful.

Wouldn't that be unnecessary since they are always lying?

TrainspottingWelsh · 11/08/2023 00:23

Oh I’d actually like to be cattle prod controller. For people that stop dead in doorways, narrow pavements etc or generally get in everyone’s way for no valid reason.

YesitsBess · 10/08/2023 21:58

midlifecrash · 06/08/2023 22:49

Ankle bitiness sounds useful to me. Whenever anything Not Specified in the Previous Conditions comes up, the head cherub wrestler can let them loose.

”ATTACK, CHERUBIM!” would give people standing in the middle of the aisle with their trolley across it something to think about.

I like this. Can I be the cherub wrangler?

Hawkins009 · 10/08/2023 21:49

@HollyRocks you could always use oh pickles or that takes the biscuits, as polite terms in public

TrainspottingWelsh · 10/08/2023 20:47

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 23:43

@NuckingFightmare Yes!!!! that kind of enthusiasm gets you any job you want, but please don't slap yourself too often. Save that for the mere mortals

@TrainspottingWelsh " unusual but fitting comeuppance"? It doesn't really sound very godly, does it? Call me old-fashioned, but I much prefer "cruel and unusual punishment". And there's nothing wrong with a bit of psychopathishness. I don't think gods were generally known for being calm and even tempered.

I do see your point, and as the op then in the time honoured tradition of all deities you have legitimately bagsi’d the position of chief god.
However cruel and unusual implies the punishments are unfair. When I’m sure we all agree everything suggested here is well deserved.
Plus ‘unusual but fitting comeuppance’ has a definite Terry Pratchett vibe which more than redeems it.

midlifecrash · 06/08/2023 22:49

Ankle bitiness sounds useful to me. Whenever anything Not Specified in the Previous Conditions comes up, the head cherub wrestler can let them loose.

”ATTACK, CHERUBIM!” would give people standing in the middle of the aisle with their trolley across it something to think about.

Original poster
HollyRocks · 06/08/2023 21:23

Well, twat is a slang term for the vulva and twatting is.......erm..........er........... i can't think of a polite way to finish that sentence, so i'll just change the subject.

@Lagershandy All good, except the "light smattering"- proper snow, 2 days per year, but you can choose the days. And some thunder and lightning, but not when i'm out with the dog.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 20:36

HollyRocks · 06/08/2023 20:16

So twatting is a word you'd be happy to use in front of your mother? And you can do it in a public place without getting arrested? Hmmmmm....

Well...yes? Fairly sure my Mother coined it.

I'm not sure who the public are but I've honestly never found someone who doesn't know what twatted means?

Original poster
HollyRocks · 06/08/2023 20:16

So twatting is a word you'd be happy to use in front of your mother? And you can do it in a public place without getting arrested? Hmmmmm....

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Lagershandy · 06/08/2023 20:00

A more temperate climate for the U.K. please.

Warm Summer days for months, not the Devils bum crack heat but with light showers in the early hours for the farmers/growers and gardeners.
So when people plan weddings, parties, bbqs, fetes and shows, we can look at the forecast and know the weather will behave.

Our Springs and Autumns are (usually) nice, but Winters need to stop with the 'Beast from the East' sort of temperatures. At least 3 days a week of mild breezes, to dry the washing.
A light smattering of snow Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so it looks picturesque,then it can sod off.

Not too much to ask is it God?

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 19:40

Wait....there are parts of the UK that don't use Twatted?

He/she twats
We twat
They twat

"She twatted him with a newspaper"

Always means slight but not lethal force.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2023 19:37

Clobbering or whacking maybe?

What's more perplexing is what the OP thinks it could be!Grin

YesitsBess · 06/08/2023 19:34

@HollyRocks born northerner, then londonder, now so far south I can see the Island.

Twatted works in all of those dialects however I'm prepared to adjust to....actually what is the word for "twatted" that isn't twatted?

Original poster
HollyRocks · 06/08/2023 19:25

@ErrolTheDragon i'm quite timid and well behaved IRL, but you know what the anonymity of MN can do.

@YesitsBess I don't know where you're from but your definition of twatting is obviously different to mine (I hope for your sake i'm right)

Good call to make use of the cherubs, but i'm having nothing to do with them. Don't trust them. They look like they'd be nipping at your ankles as soon as you turned your back.

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