Friend being off with me?

I have a friend who is always struggling but doesn’t seem to recognise that other people struggle too. She never bothers to respond to invitations and this is of course her right. Equally it’s my right not to bother with her anymore - after years of trying to be supportive. We’re both grownups with choices.

I understand OP. I have clinical depression and ADHD. Remembering to do things such as replying to messages is a genuine struggle particularly if I am going through a difficult time.

I am open with my friends about this and do try my best. I apologise when I do forget. I've had friends who have ended the friendship because of this (and other issues) and I'm completely fine about that - we both obviously needed different things from the friendship.

In this instance I'd apologise and explain but I certainly wouldn't beat myself up about it. If my friend was responding with single word answers I'd leave her to it.

Going against the grain here but I don't think you're being unreasonable. I was out for a meal last night with a group of 6 friends was organised a few weeks ago because one friend lives overseas and is back for the weekend. One friend messaged yesterday afternoon saying she'd a really bad week at work was feeling exhausted and stressed and didn't feel she'd be good company. Our messages back were don't worry mind yourself self care is important we will miss you. Surely that's the response a friend needs why make them feel worse then they potentially already do? Yes forgetting to respond to say you wouldn't be coming was poor but I still don't know what difference it would make to the organiser there's still enough of them to make for a lovely lunch.

This. You're coming across as very flaky when your friend seemed to be putting a lot of effort in.

I don't want to sound patronising, but putting other's feelings first can help with depression, as it takes the focus off you.

She could have pretended to be nicer to your face but her irritation is valid.

Is there any chance the venue was also chosen with you in mind? That they would have booked someoeweher else had they known you werent going?

This.

This.
Sorry OP but unless you do your fair share of organising things in your friendship group then you won't understand how absolutely ball achingly annoying it is when people flake out on you. If I ( and one other friend) didn't organise things within our group we'd hardly see each other. It makes me not want to bother with group stuff, to be honest.

Exactly, so could the friend for all you know.

You may have been feeling down but your friend had to ask you four times
First you said yes, then you said you'd have to check it was vegan - which is lame because why say yes and then pull back to query the food,
and then you just didn't reply.
She left the last text until the day of the event so it wasn't like she was pestering you. Which means she was hoping that you'd reply sometime that week.

Imagine if she'd had to ask each of the 5 people, 4 times each. It's absolutely draining.

You complain that she's being "off" with you as if this is really out of order - but think about how "off" you have been with her. You've treated her like her time and efforts mean nothing, when she was trying to do something nice for the group.

I understand if you are feeling shit, but Your posts don't show that you really feel any remorse about how you've treated her - if she's picked up on that her reaction is not surprising.

Lots of people are stressed and have problems, that's why it's lovely when a friend organises get togethers so people feel wanted and can enjoy getting together and getting support if they have a crap job or awful relationship as well as having a laugh with like minded friends.

She's had to chase you and you've been downright rude.

Don't expect an invite next time.

Well if she is she should be more understanding 🤣

Because she's by depressed. She could be suicidal for all you know, but don't worry you just carry on berating her and help her to feel even more crap about herself. There is a difference between just being down and clinical depression!

Thank you. Thats what I thought it probably was, but I wasn't sure.

• cur toy = cut you

@HateLongCovid where is the slack OP is cutting her friend? Why is the friend’s behaviour childish but OP’s ignoring things she doesn’t want to deal with isn’t?

It's funny that those defending the OPs actions haven't even considered that the friend may be going through her own shit too for all we know.

I agree. A friend who doesn't cur toy any slack , especially when you're having a hard time, is not a good friend. The way she is behaving giving one word answers and ignoring you is super childish. When you are very depressed you are not firing on all cylinders and even simple tasks seem insurmountable. If I was your friend I wouldn't have treated you like that OP

@Createausername1970
Where somebody tells the incident from the opposite point of view, usually resulting in tons of posters telling them how unreasonable they were being.
Then doing a big reveal that they were, in fact, the other person in the scenario.

So in this case OP might actually be the friend who has gone to all the trouble of organising a meal for six only to be let down last minute by one (or possibly more) of the six.

What is a reverse? I asked once before on another thread and I someone did respond, but before I could get back to read it, the whole thread was deleted.

Op I get annoyed when people leave me hanging are they going/not.. so maybe next time just let her know.

But you've kade out it's about the food...tbh if you said you were checking the menu I'd assume you wanted to come. Why didn't you say Sorry, I completely forgot about it. Look, I'm not in a great place atm so think I'll give this a miss....instead you fobbed her off and kept her dangling. Just as you're asking for understanding, you're not affording her the same luxury. Of course she's annoyed.....but it will pass.

Another one using “mental health” as an excuse for treating people like shit.

It’s as if all people have to say these days is “it’s my mental health” and any kind of behaviour should be accepted.

She didn't cancel. She just didn't bother getting back to her friend who then had to check in with her the day of.

Rather than pretend she was going to "check vegan options", then conveniently forgetting to update her friend, she should've just pulled out.

It's rude.