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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 02/08/2023 18:16

This reply has been deleted

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She didn't imply that at all. You made an assumption that OP had acquiesced to the request, and based that judgement on your assumption.

It's more graceful to own your own errors than to attempt to shift the blame for them.

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2023 18:12

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Go away. The OP didn't imply any of that.

She said she got a call to pick her mum up, but she refused to do so. So the mother had to get someone else to take her to the airport.

So what I'm actually thinking is that it's your post that's unbelievable. No-one could be that hard of reading and thinking, could they?

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 18:11

TeaKitten · 02/08/2023 17:59

She didn’t pick her up… she said so in her second post.

Show quote history

I will admit to reading the first post and then commenting, something quite a few folk do I'd say - there is nothing about her not actually picking her mum up in the first post. Anyway......😬

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 18:10

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Sorry - I was deleting and rewriting and posted it. It’s ok if you think it’s made up, I know what’s happened - which is what I posted

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2023 18:08

I get on really well with my mum, and so do my cousins - it's all a big lovefest, but if she asks to join us I just say "not this time Mum, it'll change the dynamic" and she's ok even if disappointed.

If she just muscled in like your Mother I would be seriously pissed off. Sorry you have to deal with it.

You could just tell your relatives that you were looking forward to one on one time without saying anything bad about the old lady.

HopityHope · 02/08/2023 18:07

That is properly awful and please do go LC as a minimum when you’re home, knowing other siblings can see how you’re treated and raised it with you.

Your host will know somethings up. You can simply tell them that you were looking forward to leaving home behind and spending time with them and the dynamic has changed and you weren’t aware your mum was coming and wouldn’t have chosen this.

Emz6103 · 02/08/2023 18:07

What was your point? It's her mother of course she's gonna know where op is going..... She's visiting family! Why would she have kept it a secret? If she thought her mum was gonna gate crash I expect she would have swarm them all to secrecy.......
How she found out was not the question asked, far from it but there's always that one person to bring a little dusting of spite smh

BigBeeee · 02/08/2023 18:04

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Autumnsoon · 02/08/2023 18:03

Why on earth didn’t the host say no ,that you need your own room .
its hardly a holiday when your sharing a bedroom with your son .
surely the host would of thought ,your spending a bit of money to get there ,and you can’t be expected to share a room

TeaKitten · 02/08/2023 17:59

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:56

I meant saying 'no' to picking her up, making it clear that she was never part of the plan!

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She didn’t pick her up… she said so in her second post.

LatteLady · 02/08/2023 17:56

If I were in the same place as you OP, I would take you out to lunch so you could have a break. Can you organise any way to get out for the day on your own and do something just for you?

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:56

DMLady · 02/08/2023 17:17

OP hasn’t agreed to anything though, so you can hardly blame her…

I’m so sorry, OP. Have no useful advice (sorry) other than, as other posters have said, to do everything you can to limit your time to your mum while you’re there. Can the family member who invited her take her out on a few day trips, for example?

Show quote history

I meant saying 'no' to picking her up, making it clear that she was never part of the plan!

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 17:55

Sounds like you are treated like the scape goat by her.

It's awful awful awful.

Never mind low contact I would go no contact.

Flowers
Anothernamethesamegame · 02/08/2023 17:54

If you do manage to go low/no contact after this holiday then maybe that’s the positive thing that will come from it. Not the holiday you wanted but maybe the extreme thing that was needed to make you take control and cut her out.

get through it the best you can. Let her comments fly over your head and focus all your energy on you child having a lovely time with their cousins.

Then when you’re back block her on everything for at least 2 month. Then see how you feel about any contact.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 17:54

So reading between the lines she was a controlling mother when you were growing up and she has carried this on into adult hood. You are staying with one of her siblings and she's hijacked.

I'd be livid, and NC after this.

If your aunt / uncle is aware of the dysfunction I'd be pretty pissed off with them too. Unless she also controls them?

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:52

Hummingbird89 · 02/08/2023 17:47

You’re not a point child. No loving caring mum would act like this. I wouldn’t dream of accosting my children in this way! No way would I book on their holiday without their permission first and knowing they were 100% happy.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 02/08/2023 17:52

In your shoes I wouldn’t take the dignified rise above it stance at all. If you can get her on her own and where nobody else can hear, id have a massive stand up row with her give and give her a hail of fucks . Loud as you can. The atmosphere is strained anyway you may as well capitalise on it . At least you will feel better!! If she likes to be the victim let her . If your family member says anything just say “she’s exaggerating you know what mums like”.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:52

Reggieismycat · 02/08/2023 17:50

The OP has said she cant go out she hasnt got a car. I would be fuming too. I never really got on with my DM and it hurts like hell what they can do to you. I understand its not worth telling your sibling because they would think you were over the top. Im so sorry your holiday is spoilt and I do know how you feel.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Reggieismycat · 02/08/2023 17:50

The OP has said she cant go out she hasnt got a car. I would be fuming too. I never really got on with my DM and it hurts like hell what they can do to you. I understand its not worth telling your sibling because they would think you were over the top. Im so sorry your holiday is spoilt and I do know how you feel.

Hummingbird89 · 02/08/2023 17:47

You’re not a point child. No loving caring mum would act like this. I wouldn’t dream of accosting my children in this way! No way would I book on their holiday without their permission first and knowing they were 100% happy.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:46

And I feel like a spoilt child, exactly the way my mother treated me as when I was growing up and stated any kind of need or want.

OP posts:
Hummingbird89 · 02/08/2023 17:46

Your mum sounds awful. I am so sorry your holiday was ruined 😢
Try and make the best of the few days you’re there, go out as much as poss with your son and avoid her like the plague. When you get home, tell her how fucking awful she is and go NC.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:45

I can’t get the reply thing to work 🤦🏻‍♀️

We’re in a remote location and it was agreed that I wouldn’t need a hire car as we were planning on chilling at the house the whole time. It’s too hot to be randomly out and about during the day and my DC wants to spend time with their cousins.

My family member would think that I was making a fuss about nothing as in true bully style, my sibling has a totally different relationship with my mum than I experience. And I called another sibling yesterday who said how sorry they were that this was happening because they could see how my mum treats me differently to the others. This really is the straw that broke the camel’s back and I will be low contact from now on. And I will be heading over to the stately home thread.

Thanks to every one who understands how upsetting it is to be on the receiving end of such behaviour.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 02/08/2023 17:44

You really do need to confide in your relative

I think it's important for them that you do let them know about your DM behaviour and why it upsets you.

HappiDaze · 02/08/2023 17:43

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:27

I just feel so hard done by - I’m now sharing a room with my son because she has the room I was suppose to have. Not the holiday I was expecting to have. And with the money I spent on flights I probably could have gotten a week’s holiday somewhere else. My anxiety is through the roof.

This is rubbish if her especially knowing she's taken your room off you

She's a selfish cow and I'd be livid

I would however tell my family member in the last day that inviting your DM at the same time as you has completely ruined your holiday

What an utter cow she is with no consideration to your feelings or personal space. And not even telling or asking you and then expecting a lift to the airport. She's a bit bonkers your DM