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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
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Imaginemissmarple · 05/08/2023 19:20

YANBU. This happened to me and DH with his mother, DH sister lived in rural France and we were booked for a relaxing bank holiday weekend. A few weeks before MIL booked to go for two weeks and decided to be on same return flight as us. So we arrived and she was still there, SIL was fed up hosting (understandably) It meant we were not in the guest double as MIL was in it, there was another single room but MIL preferred the double so we were on the sofa bed in a public area with no privacy.

We both hated it, DH was furious, whole weekend was ruined. MIL got up at 6am every morning and crashed about in kitchen next to sofa bed, we had to change the plans to accommodate MIL who didn’t like the heat or anywhere where you had to walk etc.

We never went again because we were worried it would happen again. SIL moved back to UK and we now host her….

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 05/08/2023 18:24

My mother was like that, I finally got over her crap but it took til I was in my 40s.. wish I'd done it sooner! I moved away, another country, only returned every 4 years-ish, she didn't like flying so I was safe. Got loads of passive aggression on my infrequent visits (oh you've finally lost weight - have some cake, or oh you've gained all that weight back, you can't have the roast potatoes) but I always got a holiday flat, never stayed at 'home' and once I started standing up to her, she then came running after me. She's gone now, I'm still working it out of my system but am proud of myself for having 90% got past it.

Good luck, make plans, announce different ones, then last minute switch to your unannounced plans and go off and do your thing without her.

SequentialAnalyst · 05/08/2023 17:33

She became completely enraged last night when she wanted to pay for dinner and I wouldn’t let her pay for myself and my son. A normal person would pay to be generous. She pays to manipulate and prevent people from calling her out on her behaviour.

TBH I would have let her pay. But I get why you didn't.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 05/08/2023 17:22

I hope you're not taking any part in Drs and pharmacies? I'd be completely ignoring her I think. Do whatever you like, if she wants to waste the last day of her holiday by purposefully not packing her medication so she intentionally gets I'll for sympathy and being the centre of attention (which is very much what it sounds like) then I'd be letting her lie in the bed she's made. Your sibling invited her, they can run around with her.

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2023 15:26

TakingTheLowRoad · 05/08/2023 15:17

After a lot of thinking about exactly how I feel around my mum the bottom line is I don’t feel safe to be myself and I certainly don’t feel safe around her on my own - because that’s when she thinks is the best opportunity to have a go. And her treatment of me from childhood has made it very difficult for me to have relationships with people

It’s really good that you have that insight. You can and do have relationships with people despite what she’s done, so you’re doing well. You’re working things out and you won’t let her pull a stunt like this again. You’ll be able to explain to your kids what her behaviour means and why you won’t be seeing her, or not seeing her much. Instead of sitting around feeling miserable and guilty you’re planning to do something about it. 💐

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 05/08/2023 15:19

I can't imagine not feeling safe around my mum. I'm so sorry. I really hope you can figure out a future without her in it Flowers

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 05/08/2023 15:17

After a lot of thinking about exactly how I feel around my mum the bottom line is I don’t feel safe to be myself and I certainly don’t feel safe around her on my own - because that’s when she thinks is the best opportunity to have a go. And her treatment of me from childhood has made it very difficult for me to have relationships with people

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2023 15:11

TakingTheLowRoad · 05/08/2023 13:40

Last day of hols. My mum has an ongoing history of mosquito bites being infected. So much so that she has a whole range of medication in the event that she gets bitten. She didn’t bring any of her meds with her. And guess what, she got bitten. Cue a trip to the doctor and pharmacy. And now she’s “ill” she gets a free pass to be the victim. It’s almost like she does it to herself.

They do do it to themselves. Mine used to feel a migraine coming on - she suffered from them very badly- and steadfastly refuse to take medication. We were on a car trip, she was in the back, went quiet, I said “are you ok” and she said No in a sulky voice. Sure enough she had a migraine coming but it took a while to wheedle that out of her. Sure enough she wouldn’t take anything. Why not? “I don’t want to”. She did the same in a shop. I didn’t mind taking her home if she felt unwell, but the refusal to either admit that it was happening or help herself in any way was infuriating.

She complained about pain after an operation, couldn’t eat or get up, but refused to take anything but the occasional paracetamol. I chivvied her into taking the pain relief she was meant to be having at the proper intervals. She got upset and teary because I was bullying her. Later she admitted I was right (very rare!) because she felt so much better. But next time we were back to square one.

It’s hard to imagine putting yourself through pain and suffering so that you can get attention, hold forth moaning for hours, be a martyr and have people running around trying to help you, but it’s what they do.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 05/08/2023 13:44

Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 14:53

I just said "Um Mum, no! 3 of us in one room and you in one!? You're sharing with (name of ds)". The end! She laughed it off and we carried on.

Show quote history

Good for you you! My mum would have had a fit - in a sulky, crying way 🤦🏻‍♀️

She became completely enraged last night when she wanted to pay for dinner and I wouldn’t let her pay for myself and my son. A normal person would pay to be generous. She pays to manipulate and prevent people from calling her out on her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 05/08/2023 13:40

Last day of hols. My mum has an ongoing history of mosquito bites being infected. So much so that she has a whole range of medication in the event that she gets bitten. She didn’t bring any of her meds with her. And guess what, she got bitten. Cue a trip to the doctor and pharmacy. And now she’s “ill” she gets a free pass to be the victim. It’s almost like she does it to herself.

OP posts:
Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 14:53

ThatFraggle · 04/08/2023 09:26

What did you do? How did she react?

Show quote history

I just said "Um Mum, no! 3 of us in one room and you in one!? You're sharing with (name of ds)". The end! She laughed it off and we carried on.

moortownplumber · 04/08/2023 14:53

Don’t think she trusts you

Cucucucu · 04/08/2023 10:54

Just going without her and leave her alone ! That’s so unfair on you . She sounds awful and a narcissist

JustToBeMe · 04/08/2023 10:39

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

Have you actually read the thread??!!

Or maybe you're the Mother/sibling

Dear god 😏

JustToBeMe · 04/08/2023 10:37

ChilledBeez · 03/08/2023 16:48

Why don't people read the posts properly before commenting with the wrong info?

  • This🙄*
Emma2023 · 04/08/2023 10:34

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:25

It’s so shitty all round. I’ve had a terrible year and I just wanted to relax without her judgemental fucking face in my face

Oh I’m so sorry, this is exactly how I would have felt with my mum- can you try and get out and about without her?

ThatFraggle · 04/08/2023 09:26

Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 08:33

😭😭😭

Had a similar scenario with my mother, me, my 4 y.o., and 3 month old baby who'd gone to stay with my brother in a 2 bed house. Albeit she was invited, she expected his master bedroom to herself, and me to sleep in with both my kids in the box room!

Show quote history

What did you do? How did she react?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 04/08/2023 09:12

Hopefully in the long run she has done you a favour, in giving you the push you need to get out of the relationship.

I had a tiny wedding because I could exactly see my mum doing small spiteful actions at me to ruin my day. So hard when they're experts in plausible deniability! My mum once made me a sandwich with two crusts, and cheese only in half. There was plenty of cheese and bread! But what can you say!

DSDorangex · 04/08/2023 09:05

Is it possible that the person whom you are visiting has attempted to stage some form of intervention between you and your mother? You say you actively try to avoid her… if that is known within the family then maybe someone misguidedly tried to push you together?? Totally crap from your perspective I know…. If so, you’d need to let the other person know you are beyond that at this stage in your relationship with your mother.
best of luck.

Gran16 · 04/08/2023 09:01

Good page on Facebook called 'My Horrid Parent'

LookItsMeAgain · 04/08/2023 08:50

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you're staying with the sibling that has a lot of money?
My advice is to form some sort of an alliance with the sibling that doesn't take any crap from your mother (if you wanted to).

Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 08:33

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:27

I just feel so hard done by - I’m now sharing a room with my son because she has the room I was suppose to have. Not the holiday I was expecting to have. And with the money I spent on flights I probably could have gotten a week’s holiday somewhere else. My anxiety is through the roof.

😭😭😭

Had a similar scenario with my mother, me, my 4 y.o., and 3 month old baby who'd gone to stay with my brother in a 2 bed house. Albeit she was invited, she expected his master bedroom to herself, and me to sleep in with both my kids in the box room!

Popsicle42 · 04/08/2023 07:57

This sounds so like the way my grandmother was with my mum. Her siblings had no idea how toxic she was to her.

You have my absolute sympathy and I hope you can follow through on low contact when you get home.

Genericusername3 · 04/08/2023 07:51

YANBU

Sounds like she has narcissistic traits to me.

I can sympathise as I have also been emotionally neglected in childhood and if I’m around family for too long / in certain circumstances those feelings come back up again.

It sounds difficult but I do think you should bring it up with your sibling, maybe at the end of the holiday or even after you are home. Your feelings are valid and your experiences are your own, if your sibling hasn’t had the same experiences it doesn’t mean they haven’t happened to you.

Sometimes I think the emotionally immature parent needs to see their adult child rising above them assertively to really realise how unfair/ridiculous they are being (although some have victim mentality and will be in complete denial all of their lives and unfortunately it’s not up to us to change that).

Stay strong OP!

thelengthspeoplegoto · 04/08/2023 06:43

This sounds like the kind of thing my M would do. You have my sympathy. Don't let it stop you from going again though. Just a quiet word to your family member to keep any future arrangements quiet so your mother can't gate crash again.