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AIBU?

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Original poster

piss takers

30 replies

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 19:32

My DH had a female family friend ( F1) who was close to DH father who died. FIL asked DH to look after F1. Her mental health wasn't great (she took drugs regularly)+she ended up taking advantage of us, pushing boundaries+then verbally insulting us when we tried to set boundaries so we ended the relationship. She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us. I didnt allow the falling out with the other woman to influence this friendship but was aware F1 was bad mouthing us. I was warey of course. F2 In time the friend cried poverty+suicide if she didn't get a car she couldn't work etc. We helped her out with a car. Shortly afterwards we didn't hear from her again. Drew a line. But she has an adult daughter she emotionally abandoned last year+who turned to us. We are fond of her as are our children. She started university 2 years ago+as DH has known her since she was born he wanted to gift her some money (her mum, F2 cried her poverty). Inhad no idea but until today but DH gave her the same amount last September. Today the daughter asked if we can give her her money early so she has spending money for her holiday at the end of the month. A 5* luxury spa holiday in the med, something we can only dream of being a family of 7. Do I confront her? I am feeling hurt+as she has made up with her mother now F2, am I being cynical? Sorry for the dump+thanks for reading.

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INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 11:04

Yes FIL meant emotional, I think. But in this 'group' we are the only 1s who work, the rest are on benefits.
Then for some reason your DH is getting it changed from emotional/practical to financial in his head. Does your DH find it difficult to offer emotional support, or has no time for practical, so his solution is to throw money at the problem? It does happen if there is guilt associated with the situation. Does he feel guilty he can't help in the way FIL wanted? Or is he throwing money at them so they go away and he doesn't have to be reminded of his dad's death?

Sorry, a lot for you to unpick. If your DH is willing then he needs to refer all financial requests from these women for you to decide on (should be a joint decision anyway). Then you say no, and mean it. That way he won't get the guilt from refusing his father's "dying wish". It's time to cut them out.

Original poster
madmother45 · 02/08/2023 02:42

INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 22:18

I've re read your post.

FIL asked DH to look after F1.
If he hadn't asked this, would DH have remained in contact?

FIL left no money.
How did he expect DH to look after her if he didn't leave money? Was it more an emotional support help rather than financial?

She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us.
Why is he helping a friend of a friend who has nothing to do with him? If F1 didn't exist (which she doesn't now), would he have treated her like a random stranger? If another friend of F1 or F2 asked for financial help, would he?

DH needs better boundaries. He also needs to look after his own family first. He is allowed to say no.

Thank you for your considered reply.
Yes FIL meant emotional, I think. But in this 'group' we are the only 1s who work, the rest are on benefits.
F2 I wanted to trust, I think I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Both women obviously money grabbers and not genuine as I try to be.
I think if it wad family DH would help but otherwise no.
I think we both need to learn how to say no and set better boundaries.

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INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 22:18

I've re read your post.

FIL asked DH to look after F1.
If he hadn't asked this, would DH have remained in contact?

FIL left no money.
How did he expect DH to look after her if he didn't leave money? Was it more an emotional support help rather than financial?

She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us.
Why is he helping a friend of a friend who has nothing to do with him? If F1 didn't exist (which she doesn't now), would he have treated her like a random stranger? If another friend of F1 or F2 asked for financial help, would he?

DH needs better boundaries. He also needs to look after his own family first. He is allowed to say no.

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:42

Yes both

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VesperLind · 01/08/2023 21:16

Is there a cultural social obligation in play here OP? That might explains what otherwise appears to be a very odd situation.

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:15

I was trying to be tactful but her mother+her friends took drugs openly+her mother later used her daughter to tell her all about how badly her father had beaten her etc. I have been in similar relationships but would never put them on my kids

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TriciaMcMillan · 01/08/2023 21:13

What is an 'unshielded childhood'?

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2023 21:11

Why do you keep giving random women money?
Stop

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:10

No he's not. I don't really know why. Maybe I am the 1 with the problem..I allowed it to all happen on the 1st place but we generally thought these individuals were in genuine need

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Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:03

Tbh abit of both. We're not loaded but I believe in helping those in need if you can buy yes I feel manipulated but not sure if the daughter has purposely done that. The 2 women was hurtful, the 1st tried to get between myself+DH+when she couldn't got nasty with me. I think she was jealous. The 2nd 1 I misjudged. Feel a fool tbh

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Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:56

I agree. The 1st 2 women are out if the picture but the daughter is quite 'vulnerable' as she has had an unshielded childhood+a recent adhd diagnoses.

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INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 20:55

This is not a family friend problem, this is a massive DH problem. Is he the sort to donate to charities who door knock or call? Would he move his savings if the "bank" called? He sounds incredibly gullible.

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:53

Good thought but no, he's never slept with the mother and the daughter looks just like her father

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Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:51

Splitting up is not an option. We will work it through but I'll defo be keeping a keen eye on the finances.

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Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:51

OP, what’s the age difference between DH and this girl starting Uni?

Is there any chance she could be his DD?

trulyunruly01 · 01/08/2023 20:50

You're saying you'll tell her you can't afford it this year but you'd better make sure your dh is on board with that - he didn't even bother to tell you he'd handed over the cash last year, did he.
Why on earth does he feel he has any responsibility whatsoever towards these women. The one his father asked him to look out for has thrown your dh's help back in your faces, and the other two are total randoms. Bugger that.

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:41

Thank you x

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JudgeRudy · 01/08/2023 20:40

This is very confusing to me. You've mentioned how you came to know this young girl but I don't understand the relavence of your FIL (alive or dead).
So basically your husband has a lose relationship with the daughter of his dead dads friend - but close enough for him to give her money (presumably from your family budget) without discussion with you. He's hidden it and now she's asking for more....what should you do?
Grow a backbone and don't tolerate this.Depending on your husbands reaction, I'd consider breaking up over this. This is not normal.

Joeylove88 · 01/08/2023 20:31

Your husband needs to stop giving out money to any of these people. They are not his responsibility despite knowing them for a long time. They all sound like grabby users!

Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:29

I’m not quite sure how to phrase this, but is your DH vulnerable OP? Is he easy to manipulate or scam?

It sounds like his DF had been taken for a ride by these users, and convinced himself that his son should continue to support them?

There’s something not quite right here…

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:19

I can see how it may look on the outside but there is no funny business going on. DH had the best intentions, to help out. I'm not being nieve we live at opposite ends of the country. Think I'll just tell her we can't afford it this year. I wouldn't mind if we were loaded but we aren't, we work for a living, these people are on benefits

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Anothernamethesamegame · 01/08/2023 20:16

Why are you paying for these women? And the children? It makes no sense. So what if DH has known them a long time.

Tell them to take a run and jump and give yourself a shake and think about why you have been taken advantage of multiple times. Are you and DH vulnerable in any way? I wonder if you are too nice or easy to manipulate?

Original poster
madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:13

Thank you. I didnt think she thought of us like that so I guess it stings abit she does

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Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:12

You have a BIG DH problem.

He has his own 5 children, you cannot afford a decent holiday, but he’s dealing out the cash to some randomer?

And you aren’t the least bit suspicious???!!!!

FOJN · 01/08/2023 20:12

Why would you confront a young woman who accepted a gift of money from your husband and mistakenly thought it was an annual thing whilst she was at university.

She's cheeky but your husband is the one giving the money away and, on the second occasion, hid it from you.

Tell her she won't be getting any money and then ask your husband what the hell he's playing at giving family money away without discussing it with you.