To be devastated - totally failed DS!

Sending hugs and positive thoughts. Have a 25 year old with LD and completely understand. I would only say, very quietly, that it's never over despite how you are feeling now. Don't give up. You're a fab Mum who is doing everything possible to ensure your DS has a good life. Hang on in there and keep pushing. You can make this happen, just not the way you thought. Take heart and stay strong xx

It's upsetting he can get the residential provision you want but my son is friends with a boy in just your son's position except he is 18. He has been accepted at independent college catering for children with learning disabilities but wanted to do the residential but offered a day place. He lives 35 miles away from the college and LA have said they will send a taxi to take him and collect him everyday. Parents offered to pay the difference between taxi cost for year and residential but told no because taxis come from transport budget so can be used for part of accommodation cost. In your son's situation I'd not let him sit gaming all the time. Why can't he go to a local college and do a life skills course? My Foster son went through school attending a special school for learning disabilities. He didn't get much support there. Last year he attended a local college and got so much better support. They put a 1-1 TA in every lesson he was in for him. He did a level 2 Sports BTEC and re-sat GCSE Maths. He's passed his course with Merits. This is the course his school said he'd never manage and they refused to let him do it whilst at school even though they taught this course and he is brilliant at most dports. They also refused to give him a recommendation for it when he left for college and they tried to get him to do Animal Care. It's almost like they are on commission for the Animal Care courses. He's now been accepted to do the level 3 Sport BTEC specialising in cricket which he's really good at. I've emailed his old school to let them know he not only passed but got a merit in the house they were adamant he would not be able to do. Your son might not care about Animal Care, but if he tried the working in a cafe he would learn valuable customer service skills, how to use a till, as well as making the coffee with the barista machine. It would add skills to help him work in the future. He'd also be entitled to do Maths and English if he hasn't yet got his GCSE'S in them. As he is 24 his time in education is running out. Don't let him sit in bedroom gaming when he could be learning. Much better to do cafe work as closer to getting a job. Which course does he want to do? My Foster Son wanted this Sport BTEC and I have to drive him 39 miles to college each morning then drive home, then drive 39 miles back to collect him in the afternoon then drive home. It's tiring but it was worth it. Next 2 years it will only be 22 miles each way as on different campus.

You haven’t failed him at all, you are doing your best as a mum. I feel your pain though, in exactly the same position with my 22 year old son. Because he is not aggressive or a problem to anyone he is forgotten. My 24 year old daughter waited 6 years for an ADHD diagnoses they arranged to ring her, they didn’t, then they discharged her. I have begged for help for them but nothing changes. But the guilt you feel as mum is overwhelming. I hope things change for him soon.

Why do you think his voice wasnt taken into account? I feel i missed something.

Apologies -he's 21 not 23 - but still needs his voice reflected in any battle parent is undertaking on his behalf.

Young people with capacity have the right to make unwise decisions.

This young person is 23 and has a right to have his voice heard and opinion reflected too. Respectfully, it's not the same as fighting for a younger child's rights.

This, and Yanbu. However, you don't sound like the type to give up.
Maybe you can't get him what you think he needs, doesn't mean there is something out there suitable. A friend's DGS im similar circs ended up working in a pizza shop which suited him to a T, we never thought he'd cope, but he shone.
The answer is out there, your mission now is to recover from this loss and find it.
YOU did not fail him.

Appeal! The decision goes against the sen cop, can you contact the disabled children’s council to help you?

The system is rubbish and you havent failed him, the system has.

I dont think people realise how little support there is out there. My son is going into year 9 and this year is his transition review for post 16. There isnt anything obviously suitable and education is meant to be compulsory to 18. So i have no doubt after 18 there is even less / nothing.

For us the most sensible seems to be the supported apprenticeships which as you say are in coffee shops or gardening which luckily are things he would like. My friends son actually got a supprted apprentiship by visiting all the companies that did what her child was interested in and one said ok theyd be up for it if the LA handhred them through the process. This was s physical disability though.

I think you need to take a deep breath. Regroup and you will find some fight.

What does your son want to do? At 23 this has to be about his views wants and needs and his perspective must be included.

Would he be interested in a supported internship? There are more of these springing up for autistic people in technology or arts.

My son (22) is one of those people gaming in their dark rooms in their pants. I view it a bit differently from you. He was utterly traumatised and burnt out by his education. Like you I wanted him to have structure in life, he tried an internship (ruined by COVID) then an online course but ended up "gaming in pants".

It's been 18 months and you know what? He needed it. He needed that time to reset, time with zero responsibilities to just begin to claw back some sense of what he wants. He has begun making decisions himself - going out for food, cooking for himself. He is on pip, and has LCWRA. I am presenting him with options for his future - look at volunteering, look at courses that might interest him, long term think about what work he might do. He is beginning to work with a carer/PA who will be taking him off out and about to do what DS wants - swimming, or climbing, or to the shops, or whatever. He needed an opportunity to stop the ride and regroup and he's so much better mental health wise for it. He's doing things now that a year ago we wouldn't have thought he could.

Why do you keep name changing OP?

if you’re the poster I think you are this facility costs £250k a year?

Is there a supported internship offer near you? These are typically run either by colleges or by the local authority and are basically a year of work placement with a job coach to support employability skills. He may need an EHCP to qualify though.

Agreed, my son with additional needs did it. Total nightmare, the way he was treated was appalling, no knowledge at all about his needs or condition. He was traumatised by the whole thing.

Without being negative, those who have mentioned Prince's Trust - in my experience, they are not good for those with additional needs. They say they offer support, but not enough/the right support.

Don't know if people have mentioned supported internships or supported employment - roles don't have to be as limited as you thought.

Where in the UK are you? Look up Project Search or DFN Foundation for Supported Internships.

OP I'm so sorry. I have akid who has been struggling with MH since lockdown; have been hunting high and low for support - services are so sparse, fragmented and scattered.

As pp said, it's not you who has let DS down, it's the system. Of course it's left to you to make the best of a bad situation. You sound like you'll come up with something.

Wishing you strength and perseverance and luck, for a change.

OP- please respond to whereabouts you are in the country, whst your sons diagnosis/ needs are and where his interests lie. There could be some valuable advive/ recommendations for you x

Please look at Inclusive Apprenticeships.
Plus Civil Service and Local authority Apprenticeships.
Also Traineeships for work experience
Prince's Trust are great for support
They will be able to support him.

Hi @WrongMoveAgain ! My ASD son is also about to turn 21 and has just left college after 4 years and he is now lost as he doesn’t have really much to do. I have fought for everything for him including him doing a mainstream class at college but with lots of support. Can I ask in regards to education does your local college have a program called life skills or something along the same name? My son was on this course for 3 years, it’s a course for disabled people mainly those with a learning disability and ASD. It helps them with basic tasks including how to run a home eg cooking cleaning shopping. It’s doing things that we take for granted. This course helped my son meet new people and helped him with his independence skills.
in your area could your social worker put you in touch with a support network I.e get your son a support worker who he could go out with to do activities with. My son goes out 3 days a week twice to the gym and once for a social visit into the town. They are currently trying to organise for him to get a volunteering place at a cafe down from us ( he also did a hospitality course so he would like to keep his skills up).
You have NOT let your son down you are fighting for him and you are doing a brilliant job! You’re both just feeling a bit lost at the moment. If you need anything get in touch and I can try and help as best I can. Keep up the great work your son loves you ❤️

We are only geared up to manage extremes aren't we?

So many young people like your son.

But let me share what my neurodiverse kids have done/decided.

My 20 yo son has ASD, he is very smart but was bullied in senior school. He decided to learn about construction. He passed his joinery qual and works with a company converting terraced houses into homes of multiple occupancy, because he decided that is what he wants to do. He's saving to buy his first property at the mo.

My DD is yet to be diagnosed but has hypermobility and we think both ADHD and ASD. She is finishing off a BTec then plans to train in cyber security.

I think they have a way of working things out for themselves - we maybe worry too much.

Ask him to do a few of those tests - that map preferred behaviours to jobs to see what he might like to do, then help him do that.

It's not been plain sailing, honestly, but I think in a couple of years I'll be able to retire knowing they are fully self sufficient.

Why not get him modelling! Lots of opportunities for different types of modelling and extra work and it will give him an income and some confidence!

Re universities: IME of one supposed to be incredibly good with additional support, and another just standard one, they can be good at supporting ND for those with little to no self awareness as long as they do as told.
If not, or if at a more self aware level, it all tended to start well but fall apart quickly, other than enabling extensions to assessments etc.

However I'm also aware of a small number of students with Down's Syndrome who graduated in a creative field. They were part of a different learning center that re framed part of the course requirements, but where overseen and accredited by the university. Many things can be possible, but there's a lot of luck and hard work behind them a lot of the time.

Ds has learning difficulties, rather than learning disabilities, though the difficulties were at a disabling level, if that makes sense. Under a lot of derision I took him to and from uni for three years to make the apparently impossible possible, and was on site. Initially meeting at lunch and breaks and providing executive function back up during the 1st year and later at key points, until I successfully relegated myself to just a hot line and emergency pick up, for him to self control meltdowns. But my own life and future paid the price.
There's another DC with acquired brain damage and serious learning disabilities whose unable to do much beyond enjoy life at their own level, so also experience that not every situation can be changed through the right support or education no matter how much we try. Parents have to cut their cloth to the situation and there is nearly always a price to be paid.

Is DS intelligent? If so, online learning courses may suit him well with you prompting him to stick to them. Then he could get a job in coding or games design or whatever else appeals to him, working remotely or with neurodiverse peers in an environment where it’s celebrated to be weird. Has therapy helped his anxiety at all?

It could be a silver lining to have the pressure taken off him for a while. Being forced into work and social situations can be really damaging for someone who isn’t ready; it could keep their confidence knocked down to rock bottom because they repeatedly fail and get social interactions wrong.

Also, does he have online/gaming friends? That should be fine for social interaction, maybe encourage him to eventually meet them irl or support him in going to gaming conventions or local nerd meet-ups like D&D or Pokémon club, that type of thing.

Anoydad2023 that is a amazing journey. Very inspirational.

Op I hope you're doing OK, and that you feel hopeful after reading Anoydads post.