Inheritance

I think YABU. Imo inheritance should be spent (at least in part) on something tangible, to remember the deceased by.

Your husband's mother has, in your words, just died, and you are 'boiling inside' about what he plans to do with the small amount of money she has left to him?

Has the funeral even been held yet?

I'm struggling to understand the state of your relationship if that's your main reaction at the moment to one of the most significant life events anyone can go through. I sincerely hope you are just venting here and not being so insensitive in real life.

And for what it's worth, he should buy the instrument, in memory of his mum.

@Dillane, inheritance can be seen separately from divorce settlement. A friend of mine had just started to divorce her husband when her Mum died and left her £20k. It was discussed in court but the judge decided it would not be taken into consideration.

OP says "He's also much more likely to carry on spending and not prioritise paying debt."

Because he has discussed with OP how they will spend HER inheritance together as a family, but wants to spend HIS inheritance on himself rather than spend it together as a family i.e. reduce theit joint debt.

@leli

I took out of my inheritance what he'd inherited and spend it on things similar to what he'd spend his on. He was v upset!!! I said I'm just doing the same as you did and he agreed he'd made a mistake.....

I suspect this is what will happen with OP. Her DH will not be happy with her spending her inheritance on herself.

I agree with you OP and I'm in a similar position. My OH inherited some money and did what he wanted with it. I told him when the time came I would do the same and urged him to discuss things with me. The time came. I took out of my inheritance what he'd inherited and spend it on things similar to what he'd spend his on. He was v upset!!! I said I'm just doing the same as you did and he agreed he'd made a mistake.......I then contributed the rest to our joint household stuff. Basically I'm like you and organise the money. I notice commenters regard this as taking control. Like you, I'm sure, I absolutely don't want control, I'd love this to be a shared enterprise but my DH just doesn't relate to money in a practical way. So we compromise. He always wants to spend and I want to save!

I understand he wants to use the money from His Mum to buy himself a gift. He will always associate that musical instrument with his Mum. I'd agree with him it is a nice thing to do. I'd wait 3 or 4 months until after his Mum's funeral then sit together and talk about how you are both going to handle the debt. When I inherited a few thousand from a very dear Aunt I talked to DH and he insisted I should buy myself something to remember my Aunt. Same again when my other Aunt died and I inherited again as neither of them had children so left to me and my sister's between us. I bought a new front door and had double glazing put into our holiday home. When my Mum died and I inherited again with my sister's I bought a 3 bedroom btl house for £103k. It's more than doubled in value, and there is only about £35k mortgage left on it. I'm going to leave it jointly between my 2 DGS's but leave my DD a lifetime interest in it. Hopefully the mortgage will be paid before I die. DH will inherit from his Mum at some point and the money will be his to choose what to do with it. I think inheritances are personal and have been left to you by someone you love so should be spent exactly how that person wishes.

I find it strange you’re deciding what to do with your ‘inheritance’ before your parents have died. Inheritance isn’t definite & should never be assumed!

This post is spot on!

Oh course it's acceptable for him to want something but that means that OPs inheritance should be as she wishes to spend it and not a automatic assumption of being spent for family aspects in return.

I personally always see inheritance as that person's to do with as they wish as that's who it's left to unless specified and my DH has had a few 5 sum inheritances. He chooses to keep it in savings until he wants something or to pay his half of house repair costs. But it's his choice

Why does he need a nest egg? OP is paying off their joint debt whilst he fritters money away on instruments.

There isn´t in England. When my aunt divorced my ex uncle, his inheritance from his mum was put into the equation as family pot and he was livid. He told my aunt´s lawyer that then it was only fair that my aunt´s inheritance from my grandma should be taken into consideration. When the lawyer spoke to my aunt, he asked when had my grandma died? that she should have told him? She hasn´t said my aunt, she is alive and kicking! My ex uncle was a lawyer, so my aunt´s lawyer told him to resit his family law! It is a classic in our family. We used to tell my grandma to check the lights before hitting the switch...just in case he had rigged them...

Are you married? Do you have children? How long married?

Leave him now before you get any inheritance, because he will be entitled to half of everything on divorce.

A few thousand can easily cause financial difficulty, depending on the interest rate, monthly repayments and amount of income.

I don't feel sorry for him, apart from losing his mum of course. They'd discussed and agreed that any inheritance would be treated as family money. It's not wrong for OP to think he meant that and then be questioning things when he decides he actually just wants it for himself.

Going forward, I'm planning to separate finances more and get a little nest egg incase I decide to parachute out at any point.

Maybe he should do the same, his 'running away money' in MN parlance!

Neither of you is right or wrong.

The problem is you both have different views about money / financial priorities.

I think you either need to separate finances so you don’t feel resentful (including keeping your inheritance) or leave. Not being on the same page when it comes to money can kill a marriage. I don’t think you can expect him to change at this point though when the death is less raw I think you should let him know his choice highlighted for you the need to separate finances going forward so you are being transparent.

PS what are the instruments? Guitars?

I can't understand any decent person weaponising an inheritance.

that isn't a decent way to behave. And there is no guarantees in life re inheritances anyway, so the OP could be left with serious egg on their face taking an attitude like that.

I can understand him wanting to have something tangible.

The selfish part is that he'd already spoken about OPs possible inheritance before and that it should be considered family money. He can't have it both ways.

Also, if I received an inheritance and it could either stop my family from struggling financially or buy something tangible. I'd choose my family. I'd then plan to save up so I could buy something tangible in the future.

Plus it sounds like he already has thousands in instruments.

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. He is only going to get a couple of K and you begrudging him spending it on something to remember his mom.

Your messages seem to be a bit mixed:

1)he is not going to inherit much
2) you are in debt to the point where it is worrying you
3)the small amount he inherits will clear the debt

Could it be a wider issue with your relationship?

It not why not ask him to sell a less important instrument to reduce the debt.

I think it's poor how he handles finance, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. However, with an inheritance I too would want a physical item as a reminder of the person who gifted me the money.

What is the debt from?
Family spending? He helps
Personal spending? Suck it up

But also if you can’t talk to him about this that’s an issue in itself