Inheritance

Do I get to keep all my inheritance if he keeps his?

Yes I think you do.
Will the instruments retain their value? If so I would assume them to the "assets" list so you could see how much debt vs assets.

I don’t think inheritance/gifts should ever go into the normal “pot” for every day life and that’s what the debt has accumulated from.

It should be kept separate for something special, passing onto children, perhaps invested or used to pay off the mortgage (I know mortgage is debt but it’s different IMO).

Of course i dont mean pay the debts off and ignore the reason they have debts. If the DH is sitting on a pile of instruments of value whilst his DW is worrying about them, he needs to step up and accept his inheritance isnt going to treat him to a new banjo.

I stand by it, especially in todays current financial climate, debts come first before treating himself. At the same time of course consider the reason the debts are there and deal with it too.

First, saying that he has been brought up as an only child is a really fucking rude thing to say. I have relative who are only children and they couldn't be more generous, so politely, check your casual stereotyping.

Secondly, I voted yabu because yabu to expect a selfish man who has accumulated debt by, in your own words "spending without care." Why would you expect him to suddenly be a proper family man? He wont change and you will forever be subsidising him. I'd suggest making peace or making plans.

I dont intend this post to be confrontational and rude, but the only child thing really wound me up. Only child is not an excuse for your husband being selfish. It's not cause and effect. He is just selfish.

If you are married, and both accumulated* *the debt then yes he should use his inheritance on that before buying personal stuff for himself. If theres money left over then he can do with it what he wants, but personally if you are married you should decide together what to do with the money as it should be treated as joint asset. He does seem selfish.

If he chooses to spend the money on instruments despite you sitting him down and talking to him, then you are well with your right to keep your full inheritance from your side of the family.

But debt shouldn’t automatically come first.. My siblings and I all received an inheritance of the same monetary value when our mum died, one of them had a few problems with low income and living beyond their means and some household members not even contributing (which was the main financial problem tbh), they had options to sort that out and change their circumstances but instead chose to stay the same, live off the money then at the end (it was gone by 10 months) when it ran out the same problems were still there and they were in worse debt than when they started. It was such a waste and they didn’t even have anything to show for it? Just used it for everyday bills, and takeaways etc.

IMO Debt and financial problems need “sorting out” BEFORE you waste inheritance on it, I don’t necessarily mean paying off, but making sure you have the means to pay it, fixing that if you don’t, and moving things around so the debt isn’t accruing more interest than it needs to. THEN look at paying a portion off if it makes sense.

Doesn't matter if you have 1K or 100k debt. It's the fact your (possible) inheritance has been discussed together and his inheritance is for himself. Massive turn off to me and immature.

Also,what with all these people saying him buying another instrument will remember his loved one forever?! He just has a hobby that's all!!
It's not like they were musicians together and the mother left a guitar to the son and the OP is trying to make him sell it!!

In that case it was probably excluded because they were already separated.

I very suddenly lost my Mum 10 weeks ago, her affairs are not fully settled yet, but when they are I will inherit around 4-5k. My Husband's parents are far more comfortable than my Mum was and own property outright, so when they go, if there is anything left, he will inherit substantially more than me.

My inheritance is not a life changing amount of money, my Husband's potential inheritance will be, and I think that's where the difference lies.

I have told him that I want to buy something beautiful with the money to remember my Mum by, particularly as I didn't get to say goodbye to her, he's ok with that, he can see the difference between 4/5k and 100/200k.

I would be devastated if the small bit of money my Mum left, after scrimping her whole life, was swallowed up by household debt. The thought of it genuinely makes me want to cry. Maybe that's how your Husband's feeling?

What I will say is that he has just lost his Mum, please tread gently, there are things people have said to me during this time that I will remember, and not forgive, forever.

Can you split the amount? I can understand why he wants something tangible that links to his mum.

I think it’s unreasonable to make him pay off debt with a few thousand £ of inheritance, if that’s all she had to give him. Plus you both created the debt.

I do think it’s daft to buy a musical instrument with it, but each to their own.

The treatment of inherited money in a divorce settlement can be complicated. As a general rule it will be included in the marital assets to be split. However, if there are sufficient assets to allow adequate provision for both parties without the inheritance money it can be excluded in certain circumstances. Would only apply where there are lots of other assets though.

If he/you/family has debts then there is no 'inheritance'. Debt comes first. Pay it off then get to work clearing out all his other shite. How many men think they can have a 'hobby' whilst the rest of the family sink under the strain of debt. Your DH does not have a god given right to have an expensive hobby at the detriment of the family.

Either he steps up to the mark and puts his family before a few bloody possessions or you need to think about protecting yourself.

As long as you’re not facing none payment of debts I’d go for instrument
most people have debt by the sounds of it it’s a few grand
he will still have it in 20,30 years the last thing his mum bought him
his instruments are his passion it not a whim

it’s not really a comparison with your inheritance as sounds like you could do both but with him it’s ether or

tbh if my partner stopped me buying something to remember my mum by with her money I don’t think I could look at them the same

the difference is to you it’s free money there’s no emotional tie to it to him it represents his mum

If your partner regularly spends money on expensive guitars (or whatever instrument it is) instead of paying off debts he is at least partially responsible for running up, that is a problem that needs to be discussed, but Jesus H Christ, don't make it about the money left to him by his mum who has 'just' died.

There are times to thrash out financial issues between you, and the immediate aftermath of a bereavement is very much NOT one of those times.

The problem is some people are perpetually in debt, no matter what financial opportunity comes their way. Using an inheritance to ‘pay off debt’ would be like throwing it into a black hole. That debt should be on plan to being paid back and if not possible straight away it should be managed onto 0% so it’s not actively costing you anything, if it isn’t AND you are still actively going into debt then something needs to change in your household, if you’re in charge of all that OP and your DH doesn’t have any input (can never understand this personally) then you shouldn’t be relying on an inheritance payout to clear it, you should have plans in place already?

in my mind inheritance should be used for something tangible to remember the person by, or a family holiday to make nice memories with it, not waste it on an outstanding debt that could be cleared if the two people who ran it up could get their act together.

I understand your frustration but I’d be extremely unhappy with your attitude towards a close family members death if I was your DH, it’s things like that that can have a lasting impact on your relationship.

I'm not convinced that his motivation is wanting to buy something tangible to remember his mum. Taken in the wider context it sounds more like his thinking is that yippee, he's got some money so he can buy another instrument. No sentiment attached.

OP it's concerning that you feel like he prioritises his instruments over you. And if he spends (more generally, not just the inheritance) on things for himself while you worry about the debt then you're right.

If he does buy this new instrument, I suggest that on the day he brings it home you simply say 'that's nice dear' and follow it up by telling him that from now on it will be his instruments that will do his washing, cook for him and sort out his car insurance, and that they will also be the ones having sex with him. Then leave him to it.

For all we know, the husband's mother may have been in poor health and the OP may have used that as an opportunity to take out the debt, expecting it to be covered.

For all we know he too used their overdraft for cash and went wild at Stringfellows.

Conjecture is pointless.

He’s using that saying: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.

You’ve already had a conversation about your inheritance so I’m surprised you didn’t discuss his at the time.

I think is depends how the debt came about and what type. If it’s a car loan for example then I don’t think it should be paid off, you surely calculated whether you could afford the loan before taking it out. However, if it’s that your monthly outgoings exceed your income then clearly debt helps the whole family stay afloat.

I also assume he has her home to clear, so maybe he could keep something sentimental from that. For instance, I kept photos and a childhood Christmas decoration as a memento.

Finance arguments are one of the biggest reasons couples split up so it’s not surprising you’re feeling this way now.

When my df passed away I had enough money to pay off debts from divorce. The relief was life changing. I get it. Your eyes are open now.

He has a hobby that fulfils him and a chance for a nice memory of his mum. That is nice. Leave that there.
And yes, your inheritance is gifted to you. Just you. Only you. Saved for you. How you use it is up to you. Exactly the same as his inheritance.

@AmandaHoldensLips , inheritance is not ‘personal’ here. All money from whatever source is ‘ours’.

OP, yes, I think he’s being very selfish and unreasonable.

Totally agree.

I do wonder how much of this is that he has a fairly expensive hobby (collecting musical instruments) and OP feels he prioritises that over her and the family.

Do you have room to store them all?

It is totally fair to have a one in one out policy on new instruments if he isn't actively playing in bands and using them.

It is also possible to buy eg. a nice guitar that doesn't cost the entire inheritance.