Inheritance

Time to look at how you work your finances. I would do a joint account for household expenses, including food and anything for the kids, work out how much you each need to pay. In this case I would also include household debt. I would not give him any form of access to the joint account though by card or anything. Then anything left over is your personal money and I would not be lending him any money to get out of his debt.

I would give him the opportunity to use the money to get out of debt know, but if he chooses to spend it on an instrument that’s up to him

any inheritance from your family is yours, he wouldn’t get a look in

This is very gentle and heartfelt advice. I’d re-read this a few times OP.

This isn’t about the inheritance, that is just a ‘moral’ excuse to justify prioritising his wants over the family needs. I expect if it was a windfall lottery win for example it would also be diverted towards his hobby hoard collection.

Your DH sees himself as the main character in your family story. The inheritance has shone a spotlight on the problems in your relationship . Your DH was a spender and selfish before the inheritance .It’s clear that you do understand and see what the issues are - your DH is immature and selfish- don’t allow this clarity to be clouded by emotional manipulation .

It all sounds exhausting and very stressful, no wonder you feel resentment.

On a practical level , if you remain together( its all such red flag behaviour) I would absolutely
ring fence part of my future inheritance for my own use. That’s not tit for tat, it’s showing that you value yourself and is an important lesson to model for your DH and children. How much family money is tied up
in his collection as it is?

In terms of budget look up zero budgeting , allocate every penny as it comes in and remove all but the necessary shared spending money from your joint accounts ( pay off bills as soon as you are paid, set up protected savings pots for larger spending etc). Give him a copy if the budget - write it out or email him an excel sheet. He can’t deny knowledge of the plan even if he refuses to keep to it. If he splurges the grocery money ask him how he is going to plug the gap, ( he can sell some of his toys for example) . Keep shifting the responsibility for his reckless behaviour on to him. The burden is not just yours , give it back to him . This does not make you controlling, it is about protecting your self and your children . You will know soon enough if he is willing to step up. It is not an attractive situation, being married to a man who priorities himself over family security.

You resent him rightly for blowing money that could secure your family and give you peace of mind on a luxury want. Unfortunately he will resent you if you insist that the money goes into the family pot rather than his hobby . it’s a no win situation. Maybe you can work through this , if he is open to change . I would read up on hoarding too ( his collection sound like a hoard not a hobby -and definitely should not be excused as an investment).
Only you know if you can live like this , if there is no long term growth on his part.

@VanGoghsDog Thanks for the clarification, very interesting.

As a point of interest, would similar provisions apply to other sums received personally by a spouse and kept in a separate account in their sole name, such as compensation payments?

Also depends how it was handled when it was inherited. If it was used to pay down the mortgage on the marital home then it no longer exists as an individual asset, it's just now the marital home which is a joint asset.

Same if it was put into a joint account with other family money.

If, on the other hand, it was kept separately in an account in the beneficiary's name alone and never touched for family purposes (i.e. not intermingled) then it's far more likely to be excluded from a divorce settlement if there are enough assets/income for both to live comfortably.

This

I would be boiling too.

Debt is stressful and expensive to service. He ought to use most of the money to pay off some of the debt or all of it if there's enough money.

Maybe buy himself a small gift from his inheritance or use it for a nice thing for you both to enjoy. He is being selfish.

If the debt is manageable rather than crippling you every month then I think is fair enough that he wants to buy something significant and meaningful with his inheritance. The fact that he has other instruments that you don’t like is not relevant. But if he gets to keep his inheritance to spend on what he wants, then you get to do exactly the same when your time comes.

What about your assumptions that OP took out a loan in expectation of his mum dying and leaving an inheritance?

Going forward, I'm planning to separate finances more and get a little nest egg incase I decide to parachute out at any point.

Does he perhaps rely on you being more frugal than him so make up for his spending?

Maybe there's room for a compromise:

The inheritance is "borrowed" to pay down the debt. Then when the debt is all cleared and a safety net (maybe 6 months outgoings?) is saved, then as a family you'll put half of each month's savings towards a fund to buy this instrument.

Although of course, whatever proportion of his inheritance he plans to spend on an instrument, you presumably get an equal proportion of yours to spend in a way that doesn't benefit him?

Of course debts should be paid off before any treats are bought, no matter what the source of the money is. What is everyone smoking?!

If one of my beneficiaries buys himself a watch or other treat with my legacy, whilst his family remains in debt, I'm going to haunt him until he reconsiders. Stupid.

OP,

In your place there is no way my inheritance would be going into general coffers.

In your place I would start detaching.

You clearly are the parent to his selfish child..

You earn, he spends like a single person without responsibility.

In your place I would be refusing to spend ANY money on ANYTHING extra until the
debt is paid.

Whilst I can understand him wanting to buy something tangible to remember his mother by, there is no reason why he should be holding onto toys whilst you have shared debt.

He is very selfish and that is so

Time to step back and harden your position, he's too selfish.

I absolutely understand that he might want something he can hold to remember his loved one by. However. Getting rid of debt is SO important. If it was me, I'd want to pay off debt (bar managed debt like mortgage or similar) before buying ANYTHING that's a non essential.

How much debt are we talking about?

I'm sorry for your loss. To those clutching pearls at the talk of how he's going to spend the inheritance--that is normal! Married couples discuss finances! Buying new hobby stuff is crazy if there are debts being carried.

It sounds like this is the last straw OP.

I don't think that's a big deal. People always have opinions about children e.g. 'eldest', 'middle child syndrome', 'youngest / baby of the family'.

Being an only child isn't a protected characteristic.

No need to hang OP out to dry just for saying he was an only.

It sounds like he is the spendthrift one whilst OP contributes more to the household. As she says, she feels the weight more.

First, saying that he has been brought up as an only child is a really fucking rude thing to say. I have relative who are only children and they couldn't be more generous, so politely, check your casual stereotyping

This! It's so rude to assume only children are selfish. This stereotype really upsets me.

I wouldn’t have spent my inheritance on repaying debt. I paid the mortgage off but that’s a different kind of debt. I definitely wouldn’t have disrespected my parents’ money by using it with nothing to show for it.

Yes, this was my take on the instrument purchase. This isn't going to be 'Mums' guitar/bassoon/French horn it is just another one for the collection.

Honestly? I would divorce him over this. Before your own inheritance kicks in.

He's showing you actively that he doesn't care about the financial issues your family is facing. his money and inheritance is for his use and only his use, however frivolous. While making active plans for yours to go to the family.

I can see why he would want something tangible from his inheritance- an item to remember his parent by. My Dh used an inheritance from his grandmother to buy a watch when we had house renovations to pay for- he does still have the watch and appreciates it.

That said, it’s sounds like you’re at the end of your tether with your husband’s general financial carelessness, which is understandable. He needs to start acting like an adult.

If you seriously plan to leave- which it sounds like you’re considering- make sure you’re divorced before you inherit. Otherwise he’ll spend your parents money on instruments too.

If it isn't much he should be allowed to spend it as he pleases. If it was a considerable amount, I'd hope for a split so some debt is taken care of and then the rest is for fun.

My parents have made a clear stipulation that we use the money for fun. I'm not going to disobey. Can't risk being haunted for the rest of my life!