Inheritance

Are you married? Because if so then putting aside your own little nest egg won't work as it is joint money. If you are not married it is a very very good idea, and I hope you enjoy blowing the majority of your larger inheritance - might I suggest a round the world cruise with a new boyfriend?!

Stop derailing the thread. You are being a nuisance.

If it's not a big deal and OPs casual stereotyping is fine, surely OP should be more understanding of his excuse. Sorry, his genuine reason.

He is an only child, he cant help being selfish.

Ps all said with the best intentions, btw.

You sound like you need to :

1. Make a financial plan together of how to reduce the debt without (either of) you flipping your lid or making accusatory statements...maybe speak to payplan /stepchange ...go on MSE website.
2. You can maybe come to a compromise...e.g. you buy 2ndhand instrument (so it costs less) & compromise & sell an instrument /pay off debt with the rest...you have a chat soon , and say "well i realise you are having a hard time but ...."
3. You need to stop associating this with a lack of love. Everyone has passions...it is healthy and normal. He , needs to get his priorities straight yes, but it does not mean he loves you any less. Yes , he is financially irresponsible ...yes he may be being selfish , but he will also be grieving and you need to support him with this ...BUT:
4. Make a savings /financial plan for yourself in case things go wrong.
5. Maybe use the "inheritance is mine " thing to light a fire under his bum.

It’s not nice. He’s a spendaholic with a hoarding problem who leaves the OP to lose sleep over
their financial problems and continually prioritises his own wants over his wife and family.The inheritance is not about buying a memento to his DM. It’s just a fresh source of funds for his ‘habit’. Would posters view it the same if his habit was gambling for example - if he suggested blowing it all on the grand national in memory of his DM ? I doubt it very much.

OP if you are looking for helpful advice rather than more of the well meaning but missing the context ‘be nice’ advice, I’d try the relationship or financial boards here or the money saving expert board.

paying interest, not in a position to move it at moment.

That's a shame, it is hard to shift debt when you're paying interest. It's always worth applying for another credit card (if you can), even if it doesn't equal the value of the debt, just to shift some of it, or build up credit so you can do a balance transfer on it when you can, as long as you're not using it for purchases still.

The other option, in the spirit of compromise would be to use the inheritance money to pay the CC off (or nearly off), then once it's paid down to nothing and you haven't used it in a couple of months they WILL send you a zero percent purchase offer (0% for XX months - normally approx 2 years) and then when that comes use that to buy the instrument he wants?

That way you've cleared the interest problem for the short term and hopefully managed the debt to be interest free for at least a couple of years so that would give you a bit of breathing room for you to clear down some of the balance.

If you're having to live off the credit card then something needs to change anyway and if he's not bringing enough money in he ideally needs to look at selling some stuff to get by.

I think it's quite nice that he gets to spend his own inheritance however he likes. A musical instrument is a lovely keepsake and reminder of whomever he lost. My DH had a set of bagpipes commissioned when he inherited from his mother.

I mean this very kindly OP, but unfortunately people pleasers end up in situations like this.

Selfish hard women like me wouldn't tolerate this for a moment and I will rare my daughters to have high expectations.

You sound as if you are living hand to mouth juggling it all.

There is no way any man would remain married to me and treat me and our children like this.

He is not a good man.

He is a deeply selfish man child and an awful husband and father.

You and your children deserve better.

Do you wish a similar set up for your children?

Think about what you are modeling.

Any inheritance should be used to get rid of this selfish loser.

I couldn't look at a man so selfish.

Mind yourself OP, I feel very sorry for you.

People pleasers invariably have the worst lives, used and exploited by those around them on the look out for a mug.

Utterly thankless.

Make it crystal clear to him if he doesn’t put the money towards clearing the family debt when it comes to your parent’s inheritance you will be putting the money into your own bank account & will use it for stuff that will be of benefit only to you, because two can be selfish. But stick to it make him see what a pathetic selfish twat he’s being.

This

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all!
I am about to come into some inheritance too and I intend to pay off all our loans and then split it in two with my husband.
He hasn’t asked for this, but it’s what I want to do.
I think your husband is being very selfish 😢

In any other circumstance, I would agree with you that the debt should be paid off first. But in this situ I personally feel you are being very unreasonable. He has lost his mum and I suspect he wants to buy himself something that reminds him of her with the money, almost something he associates with her. I have been there and I did the same thing. I appreciate that is upsetting to you but it’s his inheritance. Similarly if I were you I wouldn’t be putting all of your money that you are given into the debt either, no wonder you feel resentful.

I would always pay off debt first as there's usually interest on top and you're paying more out than what you borrowed. This is a tough one as I'm sure he is grieving and you should probably leave it on this occasion, but I can totally see why you'd be frustrated. Once the dust has settled try and get him to sell a few things so you can clear some debt.

Is the CC debt on 0% OP, or are you having to pay interest on it?

@Seaside3 you said the debt was a couple of thousand - is that a lot to you and your DH? Is it in credit card debt or loans or other? I can* *see the benefit of paying down a credit card but to pay a loan early is ridiculous and comes with penalty (sometimes).

Depending on how much the debt actually is and what kind of debt it is, I don't see an issue with him adding to his collection. He enjoys instruments just like I enjoy road and gravel bikes.

OP, very normal that you don't like debt and would like to avoid having it.

Very normal to put paying it down before treats.

You are sensible in the face of a selfish hoarder.

This will be your life forever with him.

Parenting a man child who thinks only of his toys and accumulating stuff.

You can choose a different life and have every right to.

Well said. I cant believe people are advocating debt and treating himself.

He would get home to all his other possessions having been sold if he did this to me. Lets face it, they cant all have sentimental value ;-)

Yikes, that sounds awful.

How many instruments does he have OP? I mean surely he doesn't play all of them regularly. How about selling some to make room for this new one? Surely there are a few he hasn't played in a while and there's finite room in your house?

I have a friend married to a hoarder. This was her second marriage and she entered it with a nice home with a small mortgage. Over the years they remortgaged and remortgaged due to his rampant spending on 'collections'. They moved home to a house in a poorer area so they would be mortgage free and his hoard of collections moved with them. Within 2 years they had to remortgage.

Unless your husband addresses his hoarding nothing will change.

Not sure, sorry!

What is a joint asset is very complex. It's sometimes how it is come by, sometimes how it is held, sometimes law (marital home) and sometimes what is causing the question - could be different in divorce than on death, for example.