Inheritance

Wonderful update.

I think it finally occurred to him that your inheritance stands to be considerably higher than his, and if he views 'his' as 'his' was horrified at the thought that you might do the same with yours.

So pleased to read this, and that you realise that you have tolerated far too much.

Get that debt cleared asap to give YOU a break from carrying the load.

It is positive news but I still beieve you have carried far too much alone.

I really hope you do realise that you deserve to be supported and not always the load carrier.

It is so easy to understand why women embrace being alone, when previously they always carried the weight of a selfish man child.

Do NOT be too grateful.

Be wary of that.

He is doing the bare minimum a decent man would do.

I really hope you get that.

The bare minimum.

Best of luck, you deserve the best.

Oh, that's such a great update! I honestly didn't expect that, given how emotionally charged things must be at this time following the loss of his mum. I'm really pleased for you though, it's good that there is some potential for growth & change here. Still worth bearing in mind the other issues moving forwards though, and would perhaps be a good idea to raise those issues in the not too distant future.

Great outcome! And perhaps you can start to talk about what you'll roll your monthly debt payments into when they no longer exist (perhaps you could put £x into savings and split the rest for more fun money...which he can save towards instruments...)

Sense prevails at last!

Glad for you, OP.

But still keep that nest egg, especially if he continues to spend a lot.

@Seaside3 'and it shows' which clearly refers to your OH's inconsiderate plan for his inheritance.

Your OH being inconsiderate is not because he doesn't have siblings. It's due to how he was raised, maybe, but mostly it's because he chooses to be so.

@Seaside3 you have not hit a nerve. I'm simply pointing out your unfounded prejudice, which you are incapable of recognising.

Your comments are far to generalised which stem from your skewed view.

I'm sorry that your extended family has raised inconsiderate children - this sint due to them being only children... it's a result of how they've been raised.

I can assure you that, if you choose to look beyond your world, there are just as many only children who have learnt consideration for others' needs and who are just as aware as children with siblings, that they live in a world with others who have their own needs and wants.

Your replies and detemination to be right really are showing you have a skewed view of only children and their capacity to have the same lessons and realisations as sibling children.

And if you're not going to be honest about what you meant by yiur flippant comment, then this discussion is pointless.

Your comment about your OH being raised as an only child was definitely meant as a not positive thing.

Again, not offended. Responding.

@Seaside3 your (erroneous) presumption /judging is aimed at the fact that he's an only child and NOT, as you say, 'how you're raised'.

That you cannot see this even when pointed out shows how ingrained your judgy, presumptuous thinking is!

Only children are not all raised the same way. Only children are no more/less selfish than children raised with siblings.

And to answer your question, yes, I absolutely believe that how you're raised usually has a bearing on how you behave as an adult. And FTR, I agreed with your initial post that YANBU and then didn't care after your throwaway comment.

Tired of hearing how 'selfish/socially awkward/self absorbed bla bla bla' only children are.

Parent of a well adjusted, kind, caring, empatheric, high achieving, sociable wonderful only child who, throughout their life so far, has had comments from peers, teachers, family, strangers and everyone in between to what a lovely person they are and what a credit they are to their parents. Nothing to actually do with being an only child - result of, as you say, how they were and continue to be, raised.

He is being ridiculous

I'm late to the thread. My take is that if this was a good marriage where both partners generally agree on things and pull together, I would let this go. However, you said that...

i do know that if he puts this instrument 1st I will be another step closer to leaving

And your other posts make it clear that this relationship is not working for you; it's actually quite dysfunctional. A selfish man child who puts playing with his toys above his family's well-being.

I suspect your life would be a lot calmer without him.

(NB: if you decide to stay and your future inheritance becomes a real likelihood, I would urge to seek legal advice about ring fencing it. Or ask your parents to make direct provisions for your children, rather than leaving everything to you.)

Or just have a frank and direct conversation about money with someone who is inherently quite selfish and oblivious and likely to miss all these passive aggressive hints and social cues?

They're married. They have joint debt. He is pissing away money and space on hoarding equipment for his hobby- OP has every right to openly discuss her concerns that she is being taken advantage of while he indulges himself.

Ask him in a calm way..
“will any of your inheritance pay off some of our debt?”….
when he says no, oh ok…. Leave it half an hour and then start talking calmly about what YOU intend to spend your money on (inheritance)… make up any old crap and just say ‘I think when i inherit I might book a week snorkelling in the Bahamas with my best friend Janice… it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and think my inheritance would pay for me and Janice to do that!!! Then just leave it at that….. let him digest that!… if he asks if your inheritance is also his… I’d look at him and say ‘no, our inheritance is our own personal money isn’t it??”

Say it all in a non confrontational / drop into conversation way….. even better say ‘I’ll clear my half of the debt and then spend the rest on XYZ… but name things purely for yourself!

when you say you control finances does his wages go into an account you control? Or do you each have your own money and then pay a certain amount into a joint pot for household bills?

id be tempted to tell him he needs to put an extra £xx into the joint pot to clear the debt each month.

I think you need to revisit leaving.. it’s never a right time for kids (or so we think)… I stayed in a loveless marriage with a selfish man, eventually he left for selfish reasons and I couldn’t be happier… our daughter has since said ‘why didn’t you get rid of him years ago!’ He was similar to yours in that the household couldn’t afford things and then he’d buy himself an Apple Watch, a new iPhone or iPad etc! While you still have children living at home you’ll be entitled to more help too. With housing etc.
of course the value of his i arguments are also ‘joint assets’ the same as cars etc would be, so his collection value would give you potentially more of the house equity. Hoarding is a mental health condition and can worsen with bereavement… Would he except help with this aspect of his personality??

But he doesn’t want to use part of the inheritance to buy himself a keepsake… he wants to spend it all on himself and allow his family to continue to struggle.
In this scenario OP has every right to withhold her inheritance later and say it’s 100% hers to spend as she wishes.
He can’t have it both ways!

Tell him straight that when you inherit that he won’t see a penny a of it and instead it will go into a savings account purely for yourself! And stick to it!

he sounds VERY selfish and I couldn’t be with someone like that!

OP, good woman.

You will get there.

It's NEVER too late to pull back and kick a user out.

Half the job is making the decision too.

Of course I understand thst it will take time with exam doing children.

Stop being nice.
Stop spending ANY money that benefits him.
Keep insisting he sell his stuff.
Be honest with your children.
Dad spends his money on instruments and I have to spend it on us.
Tell your children to ask their fatger for things.
Absolutely get advice, but have your own account set up for monies.

I think life will be far better without this loser.
Look up what you are entitled to.

Ignore the tedious posts from those that would derail your threads.

Thank goodness my friends that have only children don't go on with such drivel.

So off-putting.

I got to
"he's been brought up as an only child, and it shows" and stopped reading.

You deserve each other