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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just venting

43 replies

DamnitImTired · 30/07/2023 19:48

My BIL (I’ve posted before about him) got paid out a relatively big insurance claim on a health issue. We took the policy out for him when he was employed by us. He never had any provisions of his own, savings or otherwise, so he is very lucky.

He is healthy and well physically now but isn’t a fan of working and hasn’t had a job since his became well again and hasn’t actually applied himself to getting one either.

Just found out today via relatives who he has been hounding for a loan that he has invested and lost his whole payout in a crypto scam.

I am livid and angry and desperately disappointed in him. This is just another chapter in the self inflicted tragedy of his life. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. I am actually in tears at his stupidity and so desperate for my husband who now again has a middle aged brother to support. I thought this money that he got would give us a bit of breathing space to not have to worry about him but he just seems to have a way of always fucking it up.

Just a vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 13:21

I think that’s where it’s going to end up.

OP posts:
Tatzelwyrm · 31/07/2023 13:15

I know you don't want to, but can you afford a room somewhere for him to live? That and basic groceries

No cash directly to him?

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 08:00

Thanks for a sensible reply.
we don’t live in the Uk. We live in South Africa.
No such think as council housing. No social support either.
And no jobs for 52 year old white men who are lazy and unskilled in this country.
I agree with the mental health diagnosis, we have explored this previously and encouraged him to seek psychiatric counseling which lasted 4 sessions. He concluded that there was nothing wrong with him besides for that fact that he has a strained relationship with his family. You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. You cannot be forced to pursue this route if you do not want it.

it is an absolutely devastating burden for my husband to bear. Thank you for your time.

OP posts:
mangochops · 31/07/2023 06:39

Personally, I would direct him to contact the council if he is going to be made homeless. Also sounds like he needs a mental health assessment so I might also alert his GP if I knew whom that was. If not, adult social care, and let them assist him.

What I would not do is pay his rent for him, or give him money. DH would find that very, very hard to do but he also recognises that our family and our kids have to come first. You cannot be responsible for someone else's entire life.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 06:29

I hear you all!

difference is that your brother still seems to have the ability to start a business. My BiL will die with no help. He is going to get kicked out and he has no where to go. he is obese and lazy. It is like watching someone commit suicide. He has zero drive and aero energy. He cannot even walk around the block. We have not supported him for two years as he has been living off insurance money and employment retrenchment.

the money is now gone.

he is not currently on speaking terms with us unless it’s absolutely necessary. But practically in a couple weeks someone (maybe him) will call to say he has been evicted and has no where to go. What would you do? Ignore the phone call? And then what?

I truly and fully understand your sentiments and mean no disrespect to anybody. But please walk me through the details.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 31/07/2023 06:27

Well there is another thread on here and there seems to be calls if can afford it you have to pay

Purpleboat · 31/07/2023 06:25

My DH used to financially support his deadbeat sister. Whilst annoying, I used to let him get on with it. Once we had DC we had a discussion about DC should be our priority. He told her, she kicked off and now she wants nothing to do with him. Sad but shows she was only interested in money. She was/is an incompetent member of society too.

Poppyblush · 31/07/2023 06:23

Sorry but you’re both stupid as you’re enabling his behaviour. Let him suffer the consequences and make him get some rubbish job to provide for himself.

mangochops · 31/07/2023 06:21

it is just a tale of two brothers I’m afraid. One who works hard, lives in a beautiful house with a family, drives nice cars, overseas holidays. And the other just a fucking loser with no plan. It would be hard for anybody else to understand unless you have lived a similar situation

Who says I havent lived it? My husband's brother is exactly like this. Three failed marriages, in debt up to his eyeballs, doesnt see his kids due to his unreasonable behaviour in his second marriage, anger issues- will lash out on a hair's trigger, ended up losing his job due to charges for domestic violence allegations from his second wife, threatens suicide regularly because the world is against him- nothing is ever his fault, is insanely jealous of my DH because he has money, a family, and stability (conveniently forgetting that the reason for that is that DH doesnt act like a dickhead). Now he's started another business which looks like its also going to fail and my DH still feels an emotional obligation to help him which is largely cultural and not easy for DH to go against. But we have still decided together that constantly bailing him out isnt working and its not helping him to sort his shit out.

WeightInLine · 31/07/2023 06:16

He’s 52.

Sorry, but the problem lies with your inability to let go.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 06:13

And ps. The idea that he is going to change has long gone. The idea that we are crippling his ability to look after himself because we are funding him is also not true. I’ve come to terms with the fact that money or no money he is who he is and any hope for him to change is a waste. He is 52 and is destined to be this way forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 06:09

You’re just telling me all the things I know already. Those are the exact problems I have with the situation. Implementing them is much harder than just writing it down.

Like I said, just a vent. I know things have to change and in all likelihood there will be no smooth transition for him into a new life based on our support. Things will have to change and we will have to reach some sort of agreement about what we are prepared to do and the rest will be up to him. Whether that is a little rented single room on someone’s property and a grocery delivery once a week, I don’t really know.

it is just a tale of two brothers I’m afraid. One who works hard, lives in a beautiful house with a family, drives nice cars, overseas holidays. And the other just a fucking loser with no plan. It would be hard for anybody else to understand unless you have lived a similar situation. The guilt and the desire for someone you love to just get their shit together and live a decent honorable honest life and their complete inability to do so. It’s frustrating.

we have come a long way in dealing with him and this money he got was enough to give him a foot up and fresh start and he thought he knew better. I could honestly punch him.

OP posts:
mangochops · 31/07/2023 06:00

We live in a small town and it would be incredibly hard to watch a family member effectively live on the street. It’s an enormous amount of emotional baggage my husband has to carry and I’m so resentful of this person

But you bailing him out isnt working is it? he's frittering it away over and over again. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to change. You are effectively enabling him to be a spend thrift. I mean, you can carry on funding him if you want but all that will happen is the money will end up getting wasted and thrown down the toilet so not really sure how thats helping him either? are you going to end up in debt because of him?

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 05:51

Thank you for your replies. There are no cultural reasons for us to support him but there are emotional and psychological reasons why it would be hard not to. My husband has no other family other than this 52 year old brother. We don’t live in the UK where there is a social support system for him. We do fairly well for ourselves so money isn’t the biggest problem. We live in a small town and it would be incredibly hard to watch a family member effectively live on the street. It’s an enormous amount of emotional baggage my husband has to carry and I’m so resentful of this person.

It’s so easy for others including me to just say let him suffer with the consequences of his behavior but the reality of that is very different. I sometimes wish he had a drug problem so that we could stick him in a rehab Centre with some hope for change but he seems to have some sort of life crippling inability to just be a normal functioning member of society as there doesn’t seem to be any way to get anybody else to care for him and so it rests on us.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 30/07/2023 19:56

Cut him loose. You say he is healthy so he can find his own work.

If its cultural and DH won't stop then maybe it's time for you to remove yourself from the whole situation as you will be forever broke, unable to afford anything nice.

ChuckMater · 30/07/2023 19:52

Why do you need to support him? If someone's always digging him out he's not going to learn from his mistakes

CopperSeahorses · 30/07/2023 19:50

Why does your husband need to support him?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/07/2023 19:50

Why does your DH need to support him? His bed...

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