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Original poster

AIBU with BF about finances?

108 replies

notagolddigger · 30/07/2023 09:04

Boyfriend & I do not live together and have no shared expenses. Both BF and I are on salary and paid bimonthly on the opposite weeks, I earn slightly more than BF per annum (£2,000 potentially rising to £4,000 in September). Both BF and I have no fixed expenses individually and are very lucky financially.

As a student (graduated last May), I was really poor and frugal with my money. Last September I landed my “big girl” job and decided I would have a year of guilt free spending without saving (besides a rainy day/emergency fund) and have enjoyed every minute of it.

BF and I went abroad earlier this year and he was very frugal with his money while I was buying things I wanted. He complained about the cost of alcohol (EU city) while I didn’t look at the price with much concern - we were on holiday and budgeted appropriately! Throughout the holiday, he kept checking in and asking how my finances were - we both showed our bank accounts to each other as well as setting up a shared fault on Revolut - and we were honestly more than fine.

So, we are also going on a sun holiday next month and BF is financially stressed. I was very surprised to hear he felt this way, and when I asked why he said he feels he will be okay but is nervous about me!

He once again asked how my finances were and I reassured him they were fine because they are. I asked why he felt nervous and he said I’ve made a lot of big purchases lately - I explained they were budgeted for - and not included in my current finances. To clarify, I don’t make any silly purchases and I don’t go all out on 5 star resorts when I go abroad, but I like to make sure I eat good and dress nice. My recent big purchases were Coldplay tickets as a present for my mum and money towards obtaining drivers license.

BF is from a wealthy family and has more money than I despite me having a higher salary (inherited wealth) but I have never asked BF for money and since we became a couple and we always split things 50/50 or rotate who pays.

BF & I aren’t together a full year yet and the whole talk about money and finances is really starting to suck the fun out of things. I hate having to prove I have money also just because I like to spend money here and there. I’ve spoke about this with my BF and he just disregards it.

AIBU to feel annoyed? I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
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Gateappreciation · 02/08/2023 08:31

Well on pay rise! I wouldn’t mention it.

Maybe he sees you as his meal ticket…

Newestname002 · 01/08/2023 20:52

Congratulations on your salary increase! Maybe funnel it straight into a dedicated account for your home deposit - take some professional independent financial advice on your best options. 🌹

Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 19:30

Newestname002 · 01/08/2023 16:21

I just felt a bit annoyed when he asked while out for dinner publicly with a table beside us how my savings were, and when I responded they were fine, he continued to pry into it by asking how much. I answered and said I had £1,000 in my bank account at the moment - was being paid in two weeks - and paid while abroad, so I’m very comfortable with my savings for the holidays.

Maybe next time, and times after that, when he quizzes you on your personal financial status in public like this - particularly during a time you're supposed to be relaxing in social circumstances, you can tell him you don't think this is the right time or place for this conversation.

I'm glad you've decided to defer moving in with him in the near future. Personally I'd leave it until long after his house renovations are finished. Nearly one year is not long enough to move into together long term, and give up the advantages of your current rent free accommodation. You may wish to consider seeing if you can get onto the property ladder in your own right long before moving in discussions start again for your own sake, financially. Let him get his employment plans into fruition and settled before taking steps to get closer financially. 🌹

That’s good advice. I struggle being affirmative so I do need to learn how to put my big girls pants on!

I agree, without sounding selfish, I would probably hate to move into his current home because it’ll always be his home (and in his family) and I would hate to put my own hard money into decorating it. However, he did say it’s not his forever home and he doesn’t plan on settling there so it’ll be interesting to see what actually happens in the future.

100%. I got my pay rise together (woohoo) sooner than expected so I probably won’t disclose to him what the figure is, and just hope he actually does stick to his word & find a job he wants to be in post uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 19:26

billy1966 · 01/08/2023 11:44

Just keep that wise self protecting head on your shoulders and be wary of future fakers.

You have clearly done a great job raising yourself despite obstacles.

Listen carefully to your gut.

You deserve only the best.

Actions not words are what you watch.

Stay well clear of bullshitters.

Learn from your mothers tough life having to do it all on your own.

ONE of the greatest predictors for a happy life is choosing well in a life partner.

Choose a dud and you don't half pay for it dearly.

Absolutely! I love this response/advice. My mum & I joked over dinner earlier that if I learned one thing from my father it’s absolutely the type of man I do not want to be with, and that’s a very big lesson to have learned so young!

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 01/08/2023 16:21

I just felt a bit annoyed when he asked while out for dinner publicly with a table beside us how my savings were, and when I responded they were fine, he continued to pry into it by asking how much. I answered and said I had £1,000 in my bank account at the moment - was being paid in two weeks - and paid while abroad, so I’m very comfortable with my savings for the holidays.

Maybe next time, and times after that, when he quizzes you on your personal financial status in public like this - particularly during a time you're supposed to be relaxing in social circumstances, you can tell him you don't think this is the right time or place for this conversation.

I'm glad you've decided to defer moving in with him in the near future. Personally I'd leave it until long after his house renovations are finished. Nearly one year is not long enough to move into together long term, and give up the advantages of your current rent free accommodation. You may wish to consider seeing if you can get onto the property ladder in your own right long before moving in discussions start again for your own sake, financially. Let him get his employment plans into fruition and settled before taking steps to get closer financially. 🌹

billy1966 · 01/08/2023 11:44

Just keep that wise self protecting head on your shoulders and be wary of future fakers.

You have clearly done a great job raising yourself despite obstacles.

Listen carefully to your gut.

You deserve only the best.

Actions not words are what you watch.

Stay well clear of bullshitters.

Learn from your mothers tough life having to do it all on your own.

ONE of the greatest predictors for a happy life is choosing well in a life partner.

Choose a dud and you don't half pay for it dearly.

Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 09:40

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 09:39

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Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 09:33

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Well I lived rent free there at the time while 16, and still do. I still do my own food shop, washing, etc., but I now have my money to be able to afford things and not ask for a lend. The set up is the exact same as beforehand, they’re just choosing to continue not charging me rent. I don’t financially rely on them the way a kid or teenager would now as an adult.

I am NC with my father and would get a cab before I’d ask him for a lift, but I’m also fortunate I’m learning how to drive - BF and friends drive (and bring me out to practice) - so I’m never left stuck if I needed to get somewhere.

My father’s nothing short of a bollocks & my own mother was subjected to his torment too. She had to provide for absolutely everyone as the main breadwinner (her salary less than mine) & cover the cost of mine and younger siblings back to school bits, mortgage, household bills etc so she genuinely didn’t have it to give (for the most part) because she wasn’t being financially supported by our father/her husband. For all she did in terms of working hard for everyone else & putting up with the bollocks, she is an angel, and I do try to treat her where I can outside the home.

TDLR: My mum didn’t have it to give because her husband/my father never financially supported her. He’s on benefits & keeps it all to himself, wouldn’t even throw her £40 towards a shop or bills. But this post isn’t about their relationship or my upbringing so I rather not divulge into it any further

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 09:16

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Gateappreciation · 01/08/2023 09:03

For a 24 year old, you are very financially savvy. Full credit to you.

Full credit to bf also for completing his masters after lots of false starts. That does take some doing.

However, there does seem to be far to many excuses - ‘niche course’ ‘difficult to break into’. Is this course any better? Has he networked and started getting the contacts he needs? Is he willing to get a lesser job in the field to gain experience and get the contacts?

Also, his home set up shouts red flags. Does ge do any cooking? Is he able to cook? What happens if you suggest he cooks a romantic meal at home? Ok let me guess, you get a takeaway?

Also, you say the house is messy? Is that messy as in renovation work laying around? Or his clothes, washing up, old toilet rolls? The former us excusable, the latter not. If you move in, is he expecting you to take the toll of his mum? Ie cooking? Cleaning? Because that’s all he’s ever known.

Be careful. I’m sure he’s a lot of fun, and a nice chap, but he’s got potential to be a perpetual student, (home-owning) cocklodger, mummy’s boy. He may just be a late developer, but baybe not.

(sorry, longer than intended)

lightbulbmom · 01/08/2023 08:53

Honestly op. It sounds as if finances are going to be an issue with you guys for your whole relationship. He's obviously very financially fixated, for whatever reason, and I don't believe this is going to change. From my experience men like this turn into financial abusers, it starts of small like this; wanting to see how much money you have, trying to make you feel guilty for spending (by telling you it makes them nervous/anxious). I honestly would have a long hard chat about it and lay down some rules. But if he's being like this so soon in the relationship, while your money is separate, what will he be like when you combine your money?
It does waves some pretty big red flags.

Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 08:20

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Absolutely but this is only because they’re mortgage free and have less bills now. Right now I’m fortunate!

I have financially supported myself since I was 16. As soon as I started working I was told I was now responsible for my own food shop, washing, and would need to ask for permission before taking any of their shopping (father not mother). I had a limit on how much I could put into the bins per week (so they wouldn’t go out more often).

If I ever needed a lift outside the one way school run (always had to walk home regardless of the weather), I would have to pay towards fuel and if I didn’t give money towards fuel that week then my “taxi” wasn’t available (only father drives).

I was told I could go on the school holiday but would have to save my own spending money (I was 15 and kept all my birthday money & Chridtmss money) and when it came to paying for the holiday (my parents supposedly saved for), they weren’t able to reach the payment deadline - and despite my school extending it - they said they were now no longer going to pay for it. I felt so humiliated.

I paid for my own prom dress, own graduation, my own degree start to finish, there was weeks in uni where I ate rice krispies for breakfast, lunch & dinner because either parent refused to lend me a £10! LEND, not give!!

I used to think they didn’t have it to give - but I found out my mother inherited money (not a lot but still about £8000-10000) and had £10 to spare in my last year of uni.

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 08:09

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 08:08

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Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 08:06

Player001 · 01/08/2023 00:43

OP, I have nothing to add to the general discussion but just wanted to tell you that you sound very mature and sensible and I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter. Your parents have done a bang up job raising you.

Thank you, starting my Tuesday off with a big head! My mum is an absolute angel in fairness (I am NC with father) and has always tried her best BUT I am not letting either parent take the credit for how I turned out!

They genuinely couldn’t afford to give me much growing up (father laid off and depression took over his life) & I had no other choice but to get out and get a job if I wanted something. They have made life hell at times re finances & that’s where my own rainey day fund/emergency fund support me.

How I turned out is ALL on me let me tell you!

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 08:03

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Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 07:56

billy1966 · 01/08/2023 07:06

I think you could be right...AKA the everlasting student.

There is absolutely no excuse for him telling her what to do with HER money.

She sounds like a great woman who needs to firm up her boundaries and keep her private business to herself.

She doesn't need ANY bossing her about, about HER finances.

Is this why Mr Billy Big Bollix with the house is with someone 6 years younger?

So he can bullshit her with his big plans?

A 30 year old woman would be quicker enough to realise he's a bullshitter.

Be very wary of him and his big salary projections....manys the woman who has fallen for this line.

Focus on your career and earning well and keep your business to yourself.

Show quote history

I obviously can’t speak for how I would be if I was 30 but I imagine by that age, I would have a lot more financial responsibilities and probably would want to start thinking about settling down and having kids. So yes, I’d probably be less tolerable of BF’s nosiness in my finances or stories regarding jobs, but at the minute I’m in a less serious stage of my life!

But I do appreciate the advice, I am of course very weary & fear being with an everlasting student (he genuinely only completes courses to upskill because he hasn’t found a job in his field yet) but i’m always concious that he won’t find a job.

BF didn’t have a job until he was 22 & there’s lots of gaps in his employment history, a lot of his employment on CV is very short term (<1) so I feel this along with his lack of experience actually in the field, will probably make it harder for him compared to other candidates. He reached out to a few people on Linkedin and they didn’t actually respond to him so he’s already experienced some set backs.

OP posts:
CFornot · 01/08/2023 07:54

notagolddigger · 30/07/2023 10:17

BF is the baby. All his siblings are in really high paying jobs bar sister who married wealthy. Parents have funded them all through life & as said tried to buy their love with money. None of them have ever faced any financial pressure and BF dad even makes a joke about how easy they have it being fed with a “gold spoon not silver” - which, they all agree, are thankful for!!

BF has done a million college courses and done nothing with them & that’s not his own fault but purely because they were really niche courses with industries hard to break in to, you can’t just be good but you really have to be the best kind of thing - or you could just know someone (which he doesn’t).

He’s currently upskilling & if he gets a job in his field he will be on twice my salary from Day 1 so he has a lot of potential

Show quote history

Sounds like he has Peter Pan syndrome.

Original poster
notagolddigger · 01/08/2023 07:41

Codlingmoths · 31/07/2023 23:58

not the topic you’re asking about but I’d be cautious re moving in or any step towards making it a more permanent relationship until he’s managed to get and hold down a real job. He sounds all talk and no action. And frankly I’d have the talk before moving in that I don’t want to live in a van. I want to live in a house. I’m happy to have a mortgage. If you’re going to turn around and say we can’t buy a house then we aren’t compatible. BEFORE moving in with him.

I think his nose must be itching but he brought up moving in again & I, of course, said it was too soon and asked did he really think it was appropriate this soon and he said he didn’t really think about these things or the length. He then said he doesn’t expect anyone to live in his house at the moment because it’s a mess so I asked why he wanted me to move in & he said he would’ve cleaned it up before I did move in. The house has a LOT of potential but is falling apart due to the age and some dampness of the building - BF is renovating bit by bit but very slowly (not making excuses but between his work & masters he doesn’t have the time).

I absolutely agree with you! I’d do the whole van life IF I were travelling around another country to save costs but at home, probably not, I’d prefer the comfort of a good bed & fireplace.

When honest with myself, I definitely couldn’t see myself living with BF anytime soon & that includes next year.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/08/2023 07:06

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/08/2023 00:08

Your boyfriend has done lots of different courses. Now he is saying that if he gets a job after this course he will be on a lot of money. I bet you anything he has said that while he is doing every single one of those courses. They've all come to nothing haven't they?

I really think that he has had it too easy, and his parents have tried to help him, but actually he hasn't grown up, hasn't developed, hasn't got a career and hasn't got anything except a house that's been given to him.

If I were you, I would say don't make any decisions long-term with this man. In five years time, I bet he will have taken another few courses.

Can you tell us the reason that he's given you for each course he's taken not leading to a job?

I think you could be right...AKA the everlasting student.

There is absolutely no excuse for him telling her what to do with HER money.

She sounds like a great woman who needs to firm up her boundaries and keep her private business to herself.

She doesn't need ANY bossing her about, about HER finances.

Is this why Mr Billy Big Bollix with the house is with someone 6 years younger?

So he can bullshit her with his big plans?

A 30 year old woman would be quicker enough to realise he's a bullshitter.

Be very wary of him and his big salary projections....manys the woman who has fallen for this line.

Focus on your career and earning well and keep your business to yourself.

SD1978 · 01/08/2023 06:08

I don't agree with those saying boyfriend is financially sorted or savvy- he has generational wealth paying for absolutely every aspect of his home. It's a piss take on his part to be commenting on your spending at all. You've made a conscious decision to enjoy yourself for a year, whilst still saving, and you're not in a position where that has any impact on him, so he doesn't get an opinion.

Islandermummy · 01/08/2023 04:21

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 09:21

Whilst I agree it’s non of his business I can see both sides.

I can also see his concerns. Financial compatibility is a big deal. The first years of a relationship are where you see if you have similar ideals regarding the big things.

Personally, if I were him I would be concerned that our financial views weren’t aligned. Assuming he knows about your year of spending, if I were him I would be waiting until the year was over then contemplating this.

He seems aware that he is wealthier than you and possibly worries that you are spending and getting yourself into problems. You see it a lot where the wealthier one expects the other one to keep up not contemplating how they are financing it.

It really depends on wether he is just checking you are ok or really wanting a lot of information and going on about it.

As for the moaning about the price of things. You have a ‘spend what I like’ year, he is just living his life and is being careful. The price isn’t worrying on because you promises yourself it wouldn’t this year. This time next year when you have other plans for your money maybe you will care about the price of things. You are in 2 different places mentally. You feel he is dragging you down. He feels he is being careful.

It hard to say wether you are compatible because you are living a year that’s not going to be how you live your life.

This is a point: maybe it's a sort of attempt to make sure you're not overstretching yourself to keep up with him? Like well meaning but a bit bungled?

Otherwise, it does sound a bit OTT. Worth a chat with him about it, otherwise there's a risk it'll niggle at you on holiday

Tulpenkavalier · 01/08/2023 03:08

I've just read most of this thread and all I can think is - run, girl...... run as fast and as far as you can!"

This is NEVER going to work.

I don't like the sound of him. Too many red flags - all of which have been mentioned by PPs. And you are incompatible.

Player001 · 01/08/2023 00:43

OP, I have nothing to add to the general discussion but just wanted to tell you that you sound very mature and sensible and I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter. Your parents have done a bang up job raising you.