Page 2 | Is this weird?

tuscany88 · 2023-07-29T14:48:44+00:00

Approximately 2/3 years ago, my husband and I were out with our 4 children (then 11, 13 & 15). We came across one of our children's teacher with his wife and very young children. My child recognised him as we'd never met him before. We had a brief and polite exchange of conversation and that was that. Since that brief meeting, my child has on various occasions mentioned how this teacher asks questions about our family, the way we live etc. I told my child that he was just curious and simply to minimise information given when possible. This teacher lives down the road from us and sometimes passes our house; on one occasion, the blinds were open and he waved at me from outside and my husband was cleaning the car, so he also stopped to chat to him This week, whilst we were at work, my 16, 15 & 14 year old were at home. This teacher knocked on our door asking if his young child could use our toilet. My child let him in and he walked in and walked into our living room/dining room (looking around) whilst asking to be directed to the bathroom. Upon leaving, he enquired as to if we were going away this summer, where and who we were staying with. I cannot help but feel angry that he has come into our home uninvited. Add to that him entering with no adults present AND he's a teacher and should have known better. Taking into account his previous curiosity, am I overreacting by believing that his child needing the toilet was an excuse to satisfy an unnecessary curiosity? I don't want to overthink this, but it's been on my mind all week.

Cherryana · 29/07/2023 23:57

There is no reasonable nor logical explanation for his behaviour. So the simplest explanation is probably correct and that he is a nut job and it’s beyond weird.

Metacat · 29/07/2023 23:49

Very rarely post, but felt strongly enough to do so this time. I’m a teacher. In all the schools I’ve taught in, we’ve been warned to avoid being in a room with a child alone, and glass windows have been installed between classrooms and corridors so all interactions are public to some degree. This is to protect students and staff.

This person’s behaviour is, emphatically, unprofessional & concerning. I’d genuinely choose to knock on a stranger’s door before I’d enter the home of unaccompanied students under my care. As others have observed, there are issues of privacy, the power imbalance that made it hard for the children to refuse entry, the need to safeguard them, & to protect myself from accusations of at best an extreme lack of professionalism.

It’s up to you how you proceed now, of course, but please listen to your own instincts and the majority on here, including teachers, who find this concerning in making your decision.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 29/07/2023 23:22

Hiddenvoice · 29/07/2023 17:50

I don’t know, I’m a bit on the fence. He prob alt asked about culture what not as he was being curious, do you know if he’s asked other children about their lives?
He’s been vague about where he lives to try keep some boundaries .
How old is his child? They child may not have been able to wait but your child could have said no. He didn’t really enter uninvited since your child okayed it. If it’s a young child then he probably entered too to make sure his child was okay. He then would have asked about holidays to just make chat. I’ve regularly asked students about their holiday plans, how they are getting there and where they are staying just to keep the conversation going.

If you feel uneasy then try keep your distance, don’t engage in chat other than a polite nod and then see how it is when the child is at school.

This.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/07/2023 22:36

That's very weird
It could be explained away until the knocking on the door for.DC to use your toilet
As a teacher, he should be well aware of boundaries but doesn't appear to care about crossing them

10HailMarys · 29/07/2023 22:13

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 18:13

I think you've just hit the nail on the head...many are saying that he was invited in and because my children are 14, 15 and 16 that it is acceptable, but my child felt that he couldn't say no because he was a teacher at the school. Had it been any other stranger they knew to say no.

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It is definitely inappropriate for a teacher to knock on the door of one of his pupils’ houses and ask to bring his child in to use the loo. As you say, because he is their teacher, your children wouldn’t have felt able to say no, and that’s an abuse of power (albeit a low level one).

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 21:13

What day and time did he call round asking dow the toilet for his child?

Would he be familiar with what time you and your habana come and go from work etc?

Gagaandgag · 29/07/2023 18:45

Also people saying that he was invited in by your children- it is hard to understand the power teachers have over many children. They felt they had to because of who he was to them. It is not on at all. Something is going on

FlamingoCroquet · 29/07/2023 18:45

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 17:21

Yeah it's weird.
I don't understand why so many people are trying to make excuses for him.

Because half the posters on here are teachers, they always defend other teachers no matter what.

Gagaandgag · 29/07/2023 18:43

Im with you OP. This is definitely a weird. You need to write all your concerns down and take them to the school. (Previous teacher here)

jeaux90 · 29/07/2023 18:30

I'm sorry but anyone saying this isn't weird is insane.

OP I would be livid and concerned too.

SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 29/07/2023 18:19

Fraaahnces · 29/07/2023 16:47

This sounds VERY suss. He may not even live locally. I think you need to have a very firm chat with your kids re boundaries and telling them that they must not let the little bloke answer the door - ever - no matter if he recognizes the person, and that the big kids can leave the chain on and say that you’re upstairs on a work call and they’re not allowed to let anyone in. I would also have a discussion with the principal about this AND the other parents of your child’s friends to find out if he does this with others.

must not let the little bloke answer the door
How do you know how tall her DH is? Are you watching her as well?

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 29/07/2023 18:17

I cannot help but feel angry that he has come into our home uninvited. Add to that him entering with no adults present AND he's a teacher and should have known better

He WAS invited in because one of your teenage DCs said he could come in. There were 3 other teenage DCs in the house as well as teacher's DC so it wasn't a 1-to-1 situation either.

Asking about your culture? Sounds like you have a different culture to him and he is curious, maybe over asking questions. Looking around your house was pushing boundaries though.

Maybe he's reluctant to specify his address in case you turn up at his house or pass it to other parents who might come after him?

If you had concerns before then why didn't you raise them before?

Original poster

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 18:13

FOJN · 29/07/2023 18:05

I think it's very odd, possibly suspicious, behaviour. Your children wouldn't have let just anyone into your house so he has used his position of authority as a teacher to get them to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do. This is a complete breach of safeguarding and it's intrusive.

I think you've just hit the nail on the head...many are saying that he was invited in and because my children are 14, 15 and 16 that it is acceptable, but my child felt that he couldn't say no because he was a teacher at the school. Had it been any other stranger they knew to say no.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 29/07/2023 18:11

@ostwest as a teacher he'd know it's a safeguarding issue to be alone with a child/children in that situation & setting, with no other adult present . He's asked the child intrusive questions before this. The OP mentioned there are toilet facilites & coffee shops with toilets nearby. He's intentionally vague as to where he lives , but is always passing. Does he even live nearby & if he really does, why not mention the street .Obviously you would not give the house no. but I would give my street, when chit chatting to parents , when I was a teacher in a v small rural town ,(when it's that small, you're always bumping into parents). I'd look him up on Facebook tbh to see if he's really is practically a neighbour.But I'm cynical , since my old 6th form Headmaster , moved ho had a girlfriend of 12 years, was charged re images of boys as young as 7 on his computer. Prior to that, he'd had an unblemished 30 year career & had just recently moved to a private boys school. Their Heads of Maths was charged a year later with similar offences.

HippyPippy · 29/07/2023 18:09

Yes I think that’s a bit weird

Original poster

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 18:09

Hiddenvoice · 29/07/2023 17:50

I don’t know, I’m a bit on the fence. He prob alt asked about culture what not as he was being curious, do you know if he’s asked other children about their lives?
He’s been vague about where he lives to try keep some boundaries .
How old is his child? They child may not have been able to wait but your child could have said no. He didn’t really enter uninvited since your child okayed it. If it’s a young child then he probably entered too to make sure his child was okay. He then would have asked about holidays to just make chat. I’ve regularly asked students about their holiday plans, how they are getting there and where they are staying just to keep the conversation going.

If you feel uneasy then try keep your distance, don’t engage in chat other than a polite nod and then see how it is when the child is at school.

My child says that he noticed the questioning because it was just with him. I respect any boundaries he wishes to place, but where are those boundaries when it comes to him entering our property without one of us being present?

OP posts:

LoobyDop · 29/07/2023 18:06

At first I was leaning towards thinking he’s planning to cuckoo you out of your lives somehow- you’ll get home one day and he’ll have moved in and convinced all your neighbours that you’re crazy and never lived there.

But now you’ve mentioned the culture thing, I think probably if you’re Spanish or Italian, he’s learning the language, and he wants to make friends with you so he can practice on you, show off his fascinating multicultural social life, and as a bonus blag some free holidays in the villa he’s decided you’ve got in some amazing walled town surrounded by oranges and olives and vines and stuff. Your Nonna will love him, the villagers will love him, everyone will love him so much they’ll club together and buy him a house there, and it’ll be just awesome. Actually, can I be your friend instead? I’m not creepy like the teacher guy.

FOJN · 29/07/2023 18:05

I think it's very odd, possibly suspicious, behaviour. Your children wouldn't have let just anyone into your house so he has used his position of authority as a teacher to get them to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do. This is a complete breach of safeguarding and it's intrusive.

ClairDeLaLune · 29/07/2023 18:05

Very weird indeed. Are you sure he lives near you? If he does he could’ve taken his kid home for the loo. I reckon he doesn’t live near you, and makes a special trip to walk past your house. It’s creepy. He sounds like a stalker. I’d mention it to the school if I were you, he shouldn’t be turning up at one of his student’s houses like that.

Hopehelps · 29/07/2023 17:57

Hiddenvoice · 29/07/2023 17:50

I don’t know, I’m a bit on the fence. He prob alt asked about culture what not as he was being curious, do you know if he’s asked other children about their lives?
He’s been vague about where he lives to try keep some boundaries .
How old is his child? They child may not have been able to wait but your child could have said no. He didn’t really enter uninvited since your child okayed it. If it’s a young child then he probably entered too to make sure his child was okay. He then would have asked about holidays to just make chat. I’ve regularly asked students about their holiday plans, how they are getting there and where they are staying just to keep the conversation going.

If you feel uneasy then try keep your distance, don’t engage in chat other than a polite nod and then see how it is when the child is at school.

I think that this is what’s weird - it’s not maintaining ‘boundaries’ to deny a parent information about where you live and then turn up at the house of one of your pupils!

Hopehelps · 29/07/2023 17:52

For what it’s worth OP I for one think this is highly unusual. I think for him to knock on your door is really over stepping professional boundaries. If I was a teacher with a child who needed the loo I would no more knock on the door of the home of one of my pupils than fly! I would carry the child home quickly or use a coffee shop. If I did knock on the door as soon as I discovered (and I would ask for them directly ) that the parents were out I would tell the kids not to worry and go elsewhere. And I would never ask in the first place.

The other thing that is odd is when your husband (quite reasonably in my opinion given this teacher’s interest in your lives and the number of times you had seen him) asked where he lives, he was strangely vague. A more normal response, I think would be “Yes that’s right up so and so Road. We’ve just moved in etc. Enhou your weekend.” No need for him not to be open.

The reports from your son might be more nuanced as they might have been having class discussions etc. But I would talk to older children and your ds about opening the door. Unless you have form for being paranoid I would say trust your gut. I would not be happy about this and I am a fairly relaxed but fairly emotionally intelligent person. Due to various factors with my kids we got to know their teachers quite well. I cannot imagine any of them knocking on a pupil’s door !

Zapzep · 29/07/2023 17:51

I would never ask to use a toilet especially I was near to home, he definitely took advantage of the fact that you weren’t home to come in. I have been stalked by some strange people in the past and I know how to recognise what is not normal, you must minimise contact with this person as much as possible, make sure your children know to keep a low profile at school and do not enter into any person conversations, you need to stop this weird behaviour before it goes any further.

Hiddenvoice · 29/07/2023 17:50

I don’t know, I’m a bit on the fence. He prob alt asked about culture what not as he was being curious, do you know if he’s asked other children about their lives?
He’s been vague about where he lives to try keep some boundaries .
How old is his child? They child may not have been able to wait but your child could have said no. He didn’t really enter uninvited since your child okayed it. If it’s a young child then he probably entered too to make sure his child was okay. He then would have asked about holidays to just make chat. I’ve regularly asked students about their holiday plans, how they are getting there and where they are staying just to keep the conversation going.

If you feel uneasy then try keep your distance, don’t engage in chat other than a polite nod and then see how it is when the child is at school.

Original poster

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 17:46

ostwest · 29/07/2023 17:38

Am I the only one thinking you are overthinking this? You have met somewhere in a restaurant, then started seeing him passing your home (you might not notice him before, because you did not know him then). The toilet situation is a bit unusual, but not really 'out there', when you have little child needing 'to go' and still have 10 minutes to your home, but are approaching vaguely-known people's house, you might as well knock and ask. I have had someone at my door in the same situation and let them in- it was someone I have only seen at my DH's primary school gates.
As for asking your child about holidays- he was maybe just keeping the conversation going.
Idk, I do not see anything strange in teachers' behaviour.

We have never met him in a restaurant. He is merely a teacher at the school.
I would have no problem allowing someone I know use our bathroom for a young child and probably would have knocked on a friend's door when mine were little, but I wouldn't have entered if my friend wasn't home.

OP posts:

VisionsOfSplendour · 29/07/2023 17:45

Weflewinstyle · 29/07/2023 16:07

How do you know where he lives?

Is that weird? When my children were at primary school two of the teachers lived near me and I knew where because I would see them going it out of their houses

In secondary my child's tutor also lived near me and I knew where, I didn't know that would be something anyone would think of questioning. If you live in a small place isn't that quite normal?