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Original poster

To think I've been used ?

35 replies

dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:00

Hello.
Im really struggling to process a situation that has happened to me and I'd really appreciate y your opinions as I have none to talk to about this.

I met a man in line in late May.
He had only just ended things with his partner of eighteen months.
Their relationship was acrimonious to say the least.
He said that there was jealousy on both sides and that the major issue in their relationship was that she would not give up her friendships with her exes. These exes were married men who continued to sext her and they continued to meet regularly.
Please bear in mind that these are his words.

We met up every week for walks, dinners, nights away , activities.
He was affectionate , decent , funny and seemed a solid and nice guy.
We're late forties , busy and full lives so this suited us .

Through all of this his ex was ringing and texting. She was very upset and then became nasty so he blocked her.
He told me all of this when I asked.
He felt massive guilt for ending it with her as she has a lot of problems and wanted them to move in together but he was 100% sure it was over for them.
He didn't want this.
They are both divorced .

A few weeks ago I had two days free where I could see him before I left for a week working overseas.
He couldn't commit to meeting that week due to work so I didn't ask again. We didn't meet.
We spoke every day in the phone and texted throughout the days .

His ex contacted him on a another phone asking him to do favours for her as she wasn't in a position to do them herself.
He did that and they were back in contact talking and reminiscing.He felt awful but determined that the relationship is fully over .

I felt quite disrespected that he was telling me this and basically said that in my world, exes belong in the past as they just create trust issues.
He said that he couldn't just stop contact, that she was in a very bad place and he felt awful.
He chose to stay in contact with her until things settled down. So I chose to leave the table so to speak.

We spoke and decided that when things settle down we may meet again and see where we are both at .

He has a stressful life with big family responsibilities , health issues and coupled with finishing a toxic relationship is in no position to start something. Neither am I .

But I'm bemused and confused here.
I seem to be able to see the wood for the trees.
What are your thoughts on what happened here?

OP posts:
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Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:52

Really didn't think he was a bad man. He apologised profusely but still kept the contact open with her so it's actions v words all the way with me .
Bigger and better things ahead .
I much prefer taller men anyway !!!!

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 29/07/2023 11:51

I think he may genuinely have hoped to move on from the Ex but he is so concerned about her that she just can’t leave her without help. Even if this is the case, though, the OP is better of without the drama.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:45

TragicMuse · 29/07/2023 11:39

So there were issues between them because she wouldn't dump her exes and now he's an ex and still jumps when she calls?

He really can't see the irony here can he...

Oh I've told him that .

OP posts:
Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:39

Yes she used her work phone

OP posts:
TragicMuse · 29/07/2023 11:39

So there were issues between them because she wouldn't dump her exes and now he's an ex and still jumps when she calls?

He really can't see the irony here can he...

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 11:34

KeepQuietAndMoveAlong · 29/07/2023 11:31

I don't think you've been used. It sounds as though he genuinely likes you. However, you say his ex contacted him on another phone. Why has he got more than one? I think he's got too much unresolved stuff with her, and if I were you, I'd keep well away from him.

Did she not mean that the ex used another phone? Because he blocked her original number. 🙂

KeepQuietAndMoveAlong · 29/07/2023 11:31

I don't think you've been used. It sounds as though he genuinely likes you. However, you say his ex contacted him on another phone. Why has he got more than one? I think he's got too much unresolved stuff with her, and if I were you, I'd keep well away from him.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:27

He loves the ego boost I think. I didint think he was a bad man as he was brutally honest about it all. Said he loved the trust and honesty between us. Anyway I've deleted him. I'm not going to be an option when this shit dies down

OP posts:
Nagado · 29/07/2023 11:24

He just text earlier so I replied with a nice big take car and a waving hand I’ve gone from thinking he’s a melodramatic dickhead to thinking he’s actually quite toxic. Is he trying to keep you on side so he can run to you for emotional support every time the ex does something to upset him? Why would he text you? It’s almost like he’s trying to create some sort of love triangle between the two women he’s torn between. Does he go with his heart or with his head? My God OP, you might feel like you can’t see the wood for the trees, but huge admiration for you for setting your boundaries and sticking to them. This is not a good man. He’s bloody mental!

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 11:21

dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:17

@ChesterAndRaoul Interesting point. She would regularly get her exes to run errands for her or do odd jobs , that he could have easily done. She has several exes on the hook for odd jobs which according to her turned into sexting .

She probably feels incredibly insecure about herself, which is why there was jealousy in the relationship on her part, but it's also why she can't let go of any of these people and keeps them in her life somehow. It gives her an ego boost, but one that doesn't last long term.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:17

@ChesterAndRaoul Interesting point. She would regularly get her exes to run errands for her or do odd jobs , that he could have easily done. She has several exes on the hook for odd jobs which according to her turned into sexting .

OP posts:
Saschka · 29/07/2023 11:14

I don’t think it really matters whether he consciously used you or not - he clearly wasn’t over his ex, or ready for a relationship, and I’d put £5 on him getting back together with her before too long, whatever he says about that right now.

Well done for dumping him, try to forget about him and move onto somebody else.

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 11:13

He's spent a long time with this person feeling insecure and feeling inferior to her exes, and now he's trying to move on she is contacting him and asking him for things, he suddenly feels needed and wanted by the person who has made him feel less than and that has inspired second thoughts about actually moving on.

She is using him, and although I suspect he was genuinely trying to move on, she has hooked him back in and now he feels like it might not be over between them.

From what you've said I definitely don't think he set out to use you, although it ended that way.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:13

He will in his fuck contact me !
I've deleted his number now and I don't know what it is so that's that.
Great post also pp. you are correct .
He just text earlier so I replied with a nice big take car and a waving hand .
Pretty sure he'll get the message .

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 29/07/2023 11:09

I think you are reading too much into this, it's not you it's him - he is all over the shop. Admitted jealousy, wanted to ban his ex from contact with her exes then starts a new 'relationship' whilst still being emeshed with ex.

I suspect this man loves the drama, if you scratch the surface there will be plenty of it his past. Two things I have learnt about people who love high drama, one is that they complain about the drama but then actively seek it out - like this man blocking his ex then running errands for her and saying he can't ignore her. And two, they assume other people love their drama. I bet in his head, he broke it off with you because he has to save his ex, and you are alone weeping and clutching your pearls ...... hence, I will contact you when things are over with my ex. Drama, drama, drama.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/07/2023 11:01

That's not to say he's going to go back to her. He just hasn't emotionally disengaged enough yet to be with anyone else. He may never get there.

samestyle · 29/07/2023 11:01

You're well rid, never get involved with men that have ex's still ringing them, it sounds incredibly toxic, probably an on/off relationship he has, and enjoys the ego boost of seeing a new woman in the mix, far too messy.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/07/2023 11:00

It's clear that whatever he says, he isn't done with the ex. You've absolutely done the right thing walking away.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:52

The funny thing is... I didn't want a full blown relationship. I still don't. With anyone .
I suppose I've never been treated like that before. I've never been told that I would be contacted when he would be finished contact with his ex, regardless of the reasons. I found that so disrespectful which is why I had to ask if posters felt I had been used as an interim thing or a revenge thing or was I used at all. Was I just unlucky to meet a conflicted and confused man straight after the breakup of a very toxic relationship .
Possibly confused is probably how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 29/07/2023 10:45

You did the right thing. He was honest with about his ex and being in contact.
You really don't need the spectre of a clingy ex haunting your relationship for years to come.
Go and and find someone with less baggage

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:42

Well yes, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:36

He seemed absolutely sure they wouldn't reconcile.
Lots of reasons but the main one being his family and especially his kids couldn't stand her and because they are so close, he wouldn't risk losing that bond again.
That's my opinion anyway.

OP posts:
Wat2do222 · 29/07/2023 10:35

He sounds like a complicated conflicted person, at this stage in life this is not what you need. You want fun, solid and fulfilling. I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of what his deal is as its sounds like he doesn't even know! Addicted to drama, emotionally immature, attention seeking who knows. It's a shame but you good for you exercising your boundaries!

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:34

We spoke and decided that when things settle down we may meet again and see where we are both at So you’re his Plan B in case things don’t work out with the ex?Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:31

So he did to you exactly what his ex did to him? I think you’ve had a lucky escape. The pair of them sound ridiculously dramatic and he sounds incredibly selfish for dating you before he was ready to move on from his ex.

We both called it off. He definitely didn't want to continue either. But he said it was because he didn't want to drag me down with him. I’m always slightly suspicious of those people who end relationships that they want to be in for purely altruistic reasons. I suspect he wanted to end it because he wasn’t being entirely truthful with you when he said it was over with his ex.

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