only fans

I will also add that on MN , I do see posts like this and the consensus of replies is pretty much always “ porn is cheating “ . Everyone has different views , not everyone sees it as cheating. If you think it is then that’s your view and it might make it harder to get past but I think a lot of people don’t believe it’s cheating but are probably a bit scared to post that and be jumped on ! Don’t let other views of people or stories of “ my ex did it and we never got past it” cloud your judgement. You are not weak if you don’t want to end your marriage over this. As someone who has been cheated on before , I know finding out my husband had watched web cam models would not in any way be as gut wrenchingly painful as it was to find out that my ex, with whom I had a baby , had had sex multiple times with another woman. I’m happy now but the pain sometimes feels as raw as if it were yesterday .

Im on the fence with this. The lying is the real issue for me . However , I don’t personally have any problem with porn at all. My husband has a very high sex drive , we have an active sex life but he would have it morning , noon and night and my sex drive isn’t THAT high . I know he watches porn , he’s open about it . I would feel differently about web cams I think , but I wouldn’t class it as cheating and it wouldn’t be a marriage ender.

Only fans is a subscription ( I know someone who was on only fans as a performer ) - people pay to subscribe to a person and that person uploads videos and pictures that they can view , they pay monthly and can see them for each month they are subscribed. In that sense I don’t think it’s any different to porn … it’s not personal …. It’s like Netflix lol you can watch anything on Netflix if you are a subscriber but none of the programmes are made specifically for you ! Usually messages with the model, private pictures and videos etc are an extra charge - maybe it’s worth looking at the charges , has he paid a monthly amount or a few monthly amounts to subscribe to a few models or is it continuous amounts which may be payments to chat / have private content made etc … would that make any difference to how you feel about it ? If you knew wether it was a little more personal or not at all?

I think the issue for you is lying - he’s lied this means he knows you wouldn’t be happy about it . An open chat might help you both , set some boundaries, talk about what is ok and what is not . Talk about why he did it - is he feeling neglected and then in that case is this a chance to talk really openly about how you are feeling so he knows it’s not that you feel different about him , but you are struggling. You don’t owe him sex to make him happy when you are down , but also he has needs … maybe he feels that you aren’t attracted to him and a more “ personal “ thing such as only fans , over widely available porn , makes him feel ‘wanted’ but a chat with you about your feelings , whilst it won’t change him having sexual needs, might make him realise that you do still want him and he needs to help you to get back to a place where you are able to have that closeness again x

Dumped my ex in May over it. Few other things but I couldn't get past the OF. Absolutely rotten. Should have known really. He used to buy lad mags and collect them as a teen. Never grew up lol

Not sure what your point is. I was trying to reassure the OP that her husband will just be another cash cow to the onlyfans creator/s and there will be no real intimacy - in case she was worried this was a real relationship. It’s not - it’s just a fantasy.

Men and women can ruin marriages all by themselves - no need to blame a third party. I pass no judgement on why people do this.

Oh that’s okay then. Because the female creators don’t want a relationship it doesn’t matter that men are ruining their marriages over it.

Jesus wept.

Eugh. He pays women for sex acts and he also lies to your face.

Only Fans is much more intimate than magazine porn or pornhub. It’s closer to prostitution. For starters, you pick the woman and pay her directly. You can request tailored acts. You communicate directly through messaging.

If he’s signed up to something he claims he can’t now cancel then he’s subscribed to a minimum term thing, which means he’s getting new content repeatedly - and enough of it to warrant him initially setting up a recurring bank payment. If he hasn’t done this then why are there still repeat orders and what are his excuses for those? He inputted his payment details multiple times by accident? That’s not curiosity: that’s going back for more. Either scenario is equally bad.

When he says the women he works with all talk about it, just bear in mind that this is a clear way to try and make you wonder if / believe that lots of other women would be totally cool with him paying for private sex cams. Remind him of that old saying: “If Jenny from accounts told you to jump off a bridge with no trousers on, would you do it?”

He’s disrespecting you and treating you like an absolute idiot - which you are clearly not - with these lies. You wouldn’t know about it at all had you not caught him red handed.

For what it’s worth, I highly doubt female content Onlyfans creators are looking for personal intimate relationships through their work. They are just in it to make money and I guess some are happy to channel their inner pornstar in this weird fantasy sort of world. And as has been mentioned further up the thread, this type of work can be highly lucrative.

He must have been living under a rock if he truly doesn't know what it is to the point he had to actually sign up to find out. He's bullshitting you.

Four things going on here and only you can decide which are dealbreakers for you:

1. Using porn in the first place. I know it's become normalised but it's bloody grim IMHO.
2. Paying for porn when there is apparently so much free stuff out there (do the pair of you have money to throw away)?
3. Lying to you about it.
4. Insulting your intelligence with his nonsensical excuses when you caught him out on his lies. Either he is an idiot or he thinks you are and neither should wash if you have any self-respect.

I've never quite got the reasoning behind the name TBH - OnlyWankers would be far more appropriate on several levels.

It's not the equivalent though. Porn mags were static images, the people in them weren't contactable. I used to think OF was akin to going to a strip club and getting lapdance but there are hard sex images being traded and that is very different. If my DP used a porn website I couldn't care less because I know it's nothing but OF or visiting a prostitute to perform sexually 121 would be a deal breaker.

Cheating, so he specifically pays for these naked women to show him stuff, specifically picks out which one he wants to pay for & then lies about it??? There’s plenty free stuff, bad enough. But there’s also YOU, I would leave personally but I know different people have different boundaries but he’s disrespected you, multiple times and lied. Best bet is make him quit and move on if he won’t then get out.

he is a good man and brilliant dad.

He isn't.

I've never used OnlyFans but I absolutely do not believe that he can't work out how to cancel his subscription. It's a big, popular platform for adult content, not a scam that steals your money.

I also do not believe that he signed up because he was 'bored'. If he's bored, there is a vast amount of free porn out there that he could easily access. He doesn't need to subscribe to someone's OnlyFans for something to look at while he has a wank. I suspect he has signed up because he has a thing for that particular model, or because signing up means he can message her or request specific content just for him.

I wouldn't really mind my DP looking at porn. I would mind him signing up to someone's OnlyFans.

I've not been well for a while so our sex life has suffered. I fully expect DH is probably looking at porn and I'm ok with that. There's loads of free porn on the internet, loads, all different types, so I see absolutely no need for anyone to be paying for this kind of content.

My relationship would be ruined by it, I'm pretty sure. It's just that bit sleazier and paying for personalised content is a totally different thing to me. Add that to the blatant lying and I'm not sure I could see him the same way.

That said, I think men compartmentalise sex a lot more than women and this stuff really doesn't have much bearing on his ability to be a good dad as someone else implied.

Nothing nuanced about a man paying an individual/s for porn.
I despair that any woman would find this acceptable - where the hell are your standards?

We set a low enough bar for male behaviour at the best of times, but considering this man to be good and an amazing father is delusional.

I would consider Only Fans cheating.

I have no issue if partner wanted to look at free porn on the internet but using Only Fans would mean picking out a specific person and paying them for content. I don't like the thought of a partner deliberately choosing someone and sending them money.

There is so much free, anonymous porn available so Only Fans is a no for me.

In your case, I would not be able to forgive the lying. It is deceitful and means he knows what he was doing was wrong and would hurt you. I hope you're ok.

@ntmdino

🤣🤣🤣
You're absolutely right! I'll amend my closing sentence...

Chuck his laptop out of the window, cut a hole in the crotch of all his trousers, stand on your doorstep and scream at him as he gets home from work "Darling we absolutely must have a proper conversation about your online wank fests"

Dammit, rush posting. Meant to tag @HollyBookBlue - apologies!

I think you’ve tagged the wrong poster. I didn’t say that.

@Blossomtoes - "Have a proper conversation with him about it in a calm way"

I think you might be in the wrong section.

He’s lied to you and paid women (presumably, and may even been teenagers) for sex. It would be over for me. But I would dump a man for porn as well so 🤷‍♀️. You know where your line is, whether it’s the lying, the using people for sexual gratification or both.

Jesus Christ. Ever heard of nuance? Or considered that people are multifaceted and complex? 🙄

Neither of you are perfect here. You snooped both on his laptop and phone. Curiosity isn't an excuse for snooping. Then when you found evidence he pays for porn you didn't give him the full story as you set out here on MN. You lied by omission to cover your snooping. You could have said in the car "oops I've just seen your bank statements and noticed these payments. Could we talk about it"

Have you two ever had conversations about what you find acceptable in relation to porn use in the past? Ask a hundred people, you'll get a hundred answers as to if it's perfectly fine or grounds for divorce as evidenced by the responses here. Personally I think your DHs porn use sounds fine. But other people's opinions are irrelevant to your relationship.

If you've never spoken about it, how is he supposed to know you'd have a problem with it?

Watching porn does come with a social stigma, so it's not surprising he'd not be truthful when asked in a casual way. Have you ever watched porn? Have you disclosed that to him?

Have a proper conversation with him about it in a calm way

he is a good man and brilliant dad.

No he’s not. He’s shown zero respect to you or his family unit. Leave him. He’s a cunt.

@C1N1C How the hell are you blaming OP here? What a terrible attitude you have and yes, that’s victim blaming. He’s the one paying money for only fans, he’s the one lying to his partner. 🤬🤬🤬

*partner