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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL visiting

29 replies

Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 22:56

DH and I have two kids, 6 & 8. DH works away 3/3 weeks home/away. MIL lives 2 hours away and is the main childcare for our niece. MIL wants to visit us, but this needs to coincide with SIL’s annual leave, which she has arranged, without asking first, for when DH is away. I don’t want MIL visiting when DH is away, as I’ve already arranged holiday clubs for the kids whilst I’m working. I’m getting frustrated that SIL’s childcare requirements seem to dictate when MIL is able to visit us. It’s already a bone of contention between DH and his sister, as we think MIL does too much (she’s late 70’s, niece is 5). AIBU expecting SIL to arrange alternative childcare so MIL can visit her other two grandchildren. For context, she’s seen them for 2 days since October 21. Us visiting her is not an option due to work commitments.

OP posts:
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TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 23:34

Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:30

5/6 days a week, often from 7am - 6pm.

It is a lot and I can understand why you feel the way you do but your MIL is an adult who chooses to do this, it isn't just your SIL that you should consider the problem here.
Good luck.

Original poster
Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:30

5/6 days a week, often from 7am - 6pm.

OP posts:
POLLYprosecco1 · 26/07/2023 23:29

OP, I really sympathise! Lots of defensive comments from others about how MIL can look after SIL child all the time and that it‘s nothing to do with you. But we have a similar situation and I just think to treat your son’s children so differently and yet be the main childcare provider for your daughter is not very fair at all. I have to say that MIL will prob be needed less as her other grandchild gets older but it’s usually just as much her wanting to ‘feel needed’ for her daughter and grandchild. I’d definitely ask her to come over when your OH is around. Otherwise it could just get really strained. Good luck!

5foot5 · 26/07/2023 23:26

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/07/2023 23:16

Is she proding childcare 7 days a week?

Why cant MIL visit one /any weekend your dh is home?

This.

Elderly FIL lives more than 2 hours drive away but DH often visits him at weekends or even just for the day.

I can't get my head round why your DH hasn't taken the kids to visit his mum in all that time when he regularly has 3 weeks at home.

There is obviously stuff you are not saying but you can't expect much sympathy if you are going to be so oblique about the situation.

Totaly · 26/07/2023 23:24

Well you know who the favorite is!

If MIL bring Niece then she’ll be centre stage and upset your children (from experience)

If your husband is home three weeks he needs to communicate that with MIL and give her those options. If MIL would rather help SIL out then that’s a choice she’s made and you can’t change that.

You need to communicate to your husband that this isn’t about MIL it’s about you.

You aren’t happy to look after another adult when he’s not here - you do not want your time dictated to when you’ve made arrangements for the children and won’t be changing them

You don’t want MIL home alone whilst you’re working.

SavvyMaria · 26/07/2023 23:23

It does sound like a lot of childcare and expectation on someone quite old but it's hard to understand why you're so involved in this when you see so little of her and won't visit. It's all a bit odd.

If you visited then your SIL's childcare wouldn't be an issue.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 23:21

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 23:17

There must be a lot of women who dislike their MILs to not want them to visit when their husbands are away.

I love my MIL and wouldn't mind a visit from her without DH present but I don't think it's worth a visit if children are away in clubs, DIL working as well as DH away.

greenthumb13 · 26/07/2023 23:18

I think it's annoying it's all based on when it's convenient for SIL

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 23:17

Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:15

Because SIL won’t make alternative childcare arrangements.

Again, this is on your mother-in-law. All she has to say to your sister-in-law is that she is not available for such and such dates, so she had best make alternate plans.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 23:17

There must be a lot of women who dislike their MILs to not want them to visit when their husbands are away.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/07/2023 23:17

*providing

AvidBookAndCatCollector · 26/07/2023 23:16

Surely your mother in law could just say no to having your niece? I don't think this is all on your sister in law here.

Why don't you visit her?

FairFuming · 26/07/2023 23:16

Could you not visit her for a weekend and just stay on a hotel near by hers? It's very weird she's arranged it without checking if it actually works for you, is she expecting to stay at your house?

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/07/2023 23:16

Is she proding childcare 7 days a week?

Why cant MIL visit one /any weekend your dh is home?

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 23:15

But the arrangement between MIL and SIL is not really anything to do with you.
Offer days she can visit throughout the year in advance and she can arrange things her end, if that means no visits then that's what happens.
Why don't you go and visit her btw?

Original poster
Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:15

Because SIL won’t make alternative childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 23:15

Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:14

I’m not expecting her to rearrange her annual leave, I’m asking her to make alternative arrangements for childcare for 3-4 days, and not expect her mum to have her everyday throughout the summer holidays.

That's not on your sister-in-law, though. Your mother-in-law is choosing to provide care.

Original poster
Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:14

I’m not expecting her to rearrange her annual leave, I’m asking her to make alternative arrangements for childcare for 3-4 days, and not expect her mum to have her everyday throughout the summer holidays.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 23:13

Dh has 3 weeks off and can't squeeze a visit in to see his mum?
Does she not take up the offer of being picked up and why not?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 23:13
  1. Whatever time your mother-in-law choose to spend caring for her other grandchild is none of your business. Get that right.
  1. You are not unreasonable for not wanting her to come when your husband isn't there, therefore, you tell her that won't work for you.
  1. You and your husband won't go to hers so I don't know what advice you think other people can give you. It is what it is and you won't have much of a relationship with her then.
SavvyMaria · 26/07/2023 23:12

Very difficult to judge on the information you have given but it seems YABU wanting your sister in law to arrange extra childcare but YANBU that MIL should come when your husband is home.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 26/07/2023 23:11

So it's all you you you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 23:10

What can be changed here that’s under your control?

SIL’s annual leave obviously isn’t
Can your DH change when he is working away?
Can MIL come with DNiece when he’s about?
Could your husband visit his Mum with the kids rather than her coming to you?

Obviously changing your work and the childcare arrangements you’ve made to allow that isn’t up for debate

WineIsMyMainVice · 26/07/2023 23:09

This all sounds a bit strange.
But YANBU to not want her visiting while DH is away.

Original poster
Mumsterof2 · 26/07/2023 23:09

There’s a whole load more to the story, but can’t say too much as it would reveal identities. Let’s just say we won’t visit her, but have offered to pick her up or pay for the train.

OP posts: