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Original poster

Who the hell will I date?

60 replies

crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 22:50

I'll try not to be too vague.
As a single mum, full time worker, part time student, I have very little time.
I was, and still am, ridiculously happy being on my own after a long long relationship which declined for five years (no intimacy for three) but my mind occasionally thinks of whether I'll be lonely in five years time.
Trouble is, who the hell would want to date me? I'm loud, opinionated, very busy, used to paying my own way, used to being fully in control of everything. I also feel like I'm 25 but have very much the body of the vicar of dibley and the fashion sense of Eddie from Ab Fab. I don't want to change.

The men I see are either hot but late twenties, no kids, no commitments or older, podgier, boring. The young ones won't date someone who's got so much on and the old ones will want sympathy, ego boosting, to be a stepdad... I don't want that at all.
I can think of so much I don't want. I don't want domesticity, I don't want to mother someone, I don't want to be looked after, that it feels like there's no real solution. If I was hot I feel like there would be more options. I don't get any male attention apart from the occasional leering builder or man in a van.
It's all so depressing. Please cheer me up!

OP posts:
Mountainormolehills · 27/07/2023 09:37

I honestly thought no one would want to date me, but my confidence is back completely. You can be fat and confident, but you sound down on yourself, that was my point.

I’m happy to approach someone, and I have (I got a date out of it too!) but equally happy if they aren’t interested. I check body language and I wouldn’t approach someone at my work for example.

I date older and younger, men and women, but I’m picky and swipe ‘no’ far more than ‘yes’ on dating apps. I figure that they know my age and that I have children, if they’re interested then that’s a good start for chatting.

But as I said before - I enjoy it, it’s fun! When it’s not fun then I won’t bother. Sounds like flirting and dating isn’t fun for you.

TooBrightInHere · 27/07/2023 09:35

I think this basic question could be posed by many people in different ways

Who will fancy me
Why does no one want to date me
Will I ever find someone

But you are fairly specific about I'm happy ...and don't fancy shacking up with any man at the moment. It's more a musing about being alone later?

Don't worry about it, because you might die before that loneliness hits. Enjoy the now. Plenty of people are lonely inside relationships whilst compromising to sustain that relationship. You seem very comfortable in your own skin and unwilling to compromise which is fine. But most relationships involve compromise of some sort....wait until youre ready

honeyandfizz · 27/07/2023 09:35

Honestly OP for the 10% of the time you do want to be with somebody I would stay single. The amount of you you have to sacrifice for the 10% is not worth it IME. I have just split with my second H and miss the cuddles in bed, him holding my hand and telling me he loves me. But he was also into checking other women out on the internet / dating websites and so I will give up those things i miss for my own peace of mind and self worth.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 09:31

@JodyMitchell I think I have responded to a lot, but I'm not going to agree with other misinterpreting my situation. I'm not above self reflection but I think this whole 'don't write people off' is another way of saying 'lower your standards'.

OP posts:
ToxicBiennial · 27/07/2023 09:30

Yes of course 😀

I think this is what I struggle with, actually conceiving of someone who would want to date me,

I think that’s true for a lot of people when they’re in a period of not dating or meeting new people. (And/or perhaps have low self esteem).

It’s not until you start meeting lots of new people which could mean online dating or the dreaded ‘join groups’ where you’ve got common interests in things you’re passionate about that you come across people that you never imagined existed and you click together in ways you never expected. There’s all sorts of people out there but it’s increasing numbers and probability.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 09:28

@Mountainormolehills I wouldn't say I'm down on the way I look, I'm realistic. Fat is a biological reality, I am fat. It's not in any way linked to my self worth or confidence.
I think there's some cultural narrative that we women of a certain age and body type can't be picky.
In the same way that I wouldn't March up to 28 year old Ben, fresh out the gym, and say 'you need to date me because I'm attracted to you and if you don't you're shallow and ageist' I don't think Ken from the department below should feel that I have to date him because I'm old and complicated and running out of options.

OP posts:
JodyMitchell · 27/07/2023 09:25

OP, lots of people have taken the time to engage with you and respond thoughtfully to what you have written but you have just carried on ranting as if nobody has posted. Are you going to respond? There are lots of insightful comments about your situation. What do you think about them?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/07/2023 09:23

Maybe lose the weight and get your hair done, see what happens then ? For science ?

Mountainormolehills · 27/07/2023 09:19

I’m 45, separated and dating casually. I have 2 kids and I haven’t met anyone who wants to be a step parent. I’m keeping my dating completely separate from the rest of my life as until I meet someone who could have potential there’s no point even introducing them to friends. Introducing them to family would be years away.
Ive met some interesting people, some idiots, some people who aren’t my type.

But I enjoy dating, meeting new people and all of that. If you don’t enjoy it then don’t do it. Also if you’re down on the way you look then I would work on your self esteem. I’m generally happy with the way I look and very confident about my personality and what I bring to the table.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 09:17

@User63847484848 I'm not closed minded. I just can't become attracted to what I'm not attracted to. Plenty of men hold similar attitudes. I'm not offended

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:17

It’s a numbers game. You just have to go online and get on with it.

User63847484848 · 27/07/2023 09:15

But you’re lumping older men all together and making sweeping statements/judgements.
maybe there are some fab individuals out there, like you are a fab individual amongst older podgier women.
you sound quite negative and closed minded.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 09:14

@ToxicBiennial I wanted an immediate resolution to my query before the next episode of Frasier started.

OP posts:
ToxicBiennial · 27/07/2023 09:12

That did make me laugh a little when you like demanded a response after 12 minutes!

Possimpible · 27/07/2023 09:05

@crocodileindenial I'm aware that many women are financially stable and independent but they sometimes seem to tone this down in order to appear desirable

Woah, what? First of all, how do you know their financial status? Second of all, how do you know how they represent this to dates? Thirdly! How do you know their motivations? OP you're not coming across well here. You seem a curious mix of insecure and arrogant. I think you need to work on yourself before you even think about dating.

CallieQ · 27/07/2023 00:25

You better stay single then!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 00:08

@Finnegans well yes but who wants to date someone just like them! I mean practically speaking they couldn't be too rotund or the whole thing wouldn't work, we'd be like a pair of walruses slapping around.
I'm aware that many women are financially stable and independent but they sometimes seem to tone this down in order to appear desirable. I don't want to. Not to say that they act thick or vulnerable!
I think this is what I struggle with, actually conceiving of someone who would want to date me, not due to slim pickings or because he had loads of baggage or because he wanted a house to live in, or because he was divorced and wanted an immediate family again, or because he was running out of options due to dating all of London, but someone who genuinely is interested in me.

OP posts:
Finnegans · 26/07/2023 23:53

There’s a lot going on in your posts that seems uninterrogated. You say you feel ‘fat and old’, but complain about the men you deem ‘older, podgier, boring’ and about whom you seem to have a lot of theories, including them wanting you to stay at home and mother them, plus ‘sympathy, ego-boosting and to be a stepdad’. And you base this on men you work with? You also appear to think you’re somehow unusual in the completely normal desires you outline — most single women are financially independent, used to controlling their own lives etc. No one is making you date!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:40

I think what worries me is that I don't think it will be easy to find company. Do you think loneliness ever just hits you or is it a sort of growing feeling?
Like tonight I went for a rare child free explore of a different part of the city on my own, got the bus somewhere, walked around, had a pint in a pub, read my book for a bit, went home. Yeah I could have gone in a restaurant on my own but it just seemed full of couples and my confidence had taken a bit of a knock earlier due to a work thing.
90% of the time I'm fine. It's just odd times where I think, I wish someone would text me to say hello or I wish someone would tell me I looked nice but not in a friend sort of way.
Lots of women in this town look like models now. There's so much more emphasis on being stunning rather than when I last dated I was more unique (although cute in a youthful way) and I felt that uniqueness was more valued at the time. I know I'm hardly going to be competing with Love Island finalists but it can make you feel down to compare yourself.
I just feel fat and old and the men who like that want someone to stay home them and be another mum or another wife and that's just not me. I know this cos I listen to them moan about it at work!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/07/2023 23:32

You sound great fun! Someone who shares your sense of humour, also has a full life and who isn't expecting a gf to be their maid or babysitter - win win when you do find this person!

TookTheBook · 26/07/2023 23:19

If I were you, I'd find space in future for a hobby where you might meet men who are into a similar hobby and have a similar outlook then happen to find someone on your level. But right now, why "date"? You don't need to and can't fit it in. Wait until you want to get out and meet people and have time and inclination.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:16

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing yeah it's not really a big deal. I think I'm fantastic company Grin

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 23:15

I quite like being single myself - certainly no kind of tragedy if I never meet anyone

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:14

@Startoftheyear2023 depressing isn't it? I just keep thinking, is it just a hangover from the long relationship? Why does no one seem appealing? I just see what my friends end up settling for and they could do so much better, it seems like being in relationships makes them more dependent and weaker somehow? Rather than builds them up?

OP posts:
User3826 · 26/07/2023 23:14

Stay single for a while longer until you're in a phase of life where a partner slots into your life and you compliment each other. At the moment you sound like you're probably not in the right place to be dating.

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