Who the hell will I date?

This is the problem with the theoretical. You have a bunch of theoretical men grouped into one dimensional stereotypes based on age. Young and hot but with x or y traits, old and unattractive with a and b traits. While stereotypes like this are generally based on an element of truth, they don't account for every man. There will undoubtedly be young hot men who would date you, and older unattractive ones who wouldn't. But more likely than encountering either, is meeting someone somewhere in between, who while on paper may not be a likely match, as a three dimensional person with a unique personality and tastes, just might be. I'd suggest you stop theorising and conduct some research in the field.

OP, you obviously have bags of character, energy, intellect, and are really funny! And you have your own finances sorted out and are not looking for help from anyone. Those are all attractive qualities.

I think many of your characterisations of who is out there are true to an extent, but I get the feeling you are using them as a barrier to stop yourself contemplating getting involved. All you need is to connect with one individual - not convert a whole, stereotypical demographic.... There are plenty men or women, who would like all the stuff above..... if you would be willing to like them back!

Sounds like you expect a spark from the second your eyes lock. It rarely works that way outside of a movie.
That's why people date people who look ok, who are nearly their taste, not people they're repulsed by.

And frankly you have little to lose on taking a chance. Someone asks you put, they seem nice enough, you go and have a nice night and if that's all it is, it's been a nice night, or you leave early, or you end up having mind blowing sex on his kitchen table. Who knows!!

But it's also ok to be single.

Interesting post.

I think you sound quite fun but if you're an older, overweight woman with minimal time for herself then why are you thinking of your ideal as 20 something gym fans? Some element of putting obstacles in your way?

There are plenty of 30, 40, 50+ men who aren't mansplainers, podgy, needy or boring. I met loads in the 30s and 40s bracket. Obv not all for me and some liabilities out there but many of them good blokes.

I'm not sure you're in the right place for dating right now with all you have on but in future, stop thinking 'other women look like models these days and men my own age are rather pathetic so why even bother'. It probably comes across as defensive as on here.

In time, make the best of yourself physically (bear in mind that not every man or culture's beauty ideal is slim), work on your self esteem and interests and give dating a try with a willingness for it not to work out first, or even 20th time and for that not to feel like a reflection on you.

You sound like an interesting person who knows what they want. That’s a good thing. And that will help you not to settle. But you do seem to be dismissing people based on looks. Sexual attraction isn’t really about looks, at least not in the standardised way you’re saying. If that was the case then nobody who doesn’t fit the stereotypes would partner up. Personality makes someone sexy. It appears in their physicality. But you won’t know that unless you talk to people. Perhaps OLD would be the best way forward. You can immediately dismiss the dullards who send messages but you can explore conversation with those with potential.

It's shallow as hell but when I wanted to fish in a bigger pond I lost weight and got highlights. Boom Potential mates multiplied tenfold.

And all the old twats were young twats once - they just haven't got the pretty veil of youth to disguise it

Oh, and also your have had a shit relationship while also your identity has had to absorb being a mum, I would spend time refinding you, free time doing things that you enjoy etc go out with friends etc - you are not a half of a couple- you are a whole person - take time to work on you so that you aren't looking for someone to complete you - more to accompany you through life - hence be picky, and the more "you" you feel the more you will know what you want and feel confident in maintaining your boundaries and telling arses to fuck off

You sound hard on yourself TBH! I think you sound great.Maybe just date here and there for a while .I think sometimes we get "stuck" on being young ,slim and desirable. Thats only part of who we are though.Almost everyone would want to be 21 again ,yet we all probably were plagued with self doubt then! Confidence is a big turn on as well.Maybe enjoy being single for a while longer .dip into OLD or join clubs whatever .No life is 100% perfect all the while and you will feel lonely sometimes ,but relationships can be hard going as well

Pair of walruses

But you do sound a bit like those men in their 40s and 50s who only want to date much younger women. It's just not true that all men your age only want to stay home and be boring, or that they are all overweight. You might need to open your mind a bit and embrace the walrus love.

Yes, you've got to compromise. By all accounts, you don't seem to have a positive opinion of yourself and that is the worst. You'll only attract those who are attracted to your vibe. Said vibe, isn't a positive vibe.

In your shoes, I'd work on myself first - hit the gym, develop some hobbies, try new experiences, etc. but you do you.

Of course you have to fancy them, but you’ve not actually said “I don’t fancy older fat men because I don’t like the way they look” you’ve said you don’t like them because they’re all insert personality assumption. So I’m saying don’t make the personality assumption.

You will not always be a student, your children's demands on you will change as they grow, there is plenty of time to be picky and when you find him chances are your life will be less busy then. Be picky and don't settle

Fair enough - I didn't mean to sound judgy (although I can see how it might've come across that way). I was just coming at it from the angle that initial contact is likely to be the main problem to solve - forgive the ratings (I hate it, but...brevity), but in most social situations, if a guy sees an unapproachable 9-10/10 and an approachable 6/10 in the pub, 90% of the time he's going to either strike up a conversation with the 6 or walk away.

In other words, you don't have to fundamentally change who you are, just make it easy for someone to say "Hello!".

I don’t think you should lower your standards at all, but I do think you should stop the sweeping judgements. The perfect bloke for you might be old and pudgy, but if you assume every man’s personality based on his age and looks then you’ll walk right past the one you’d love.

Apart from that, the most important thing is to build a fabulous single life. People settle because they think that there’s a person-shaped gap in their lives. Make sure you don’t have that gap, and any future partner becomes a bonus.

I wouldn't bother unless you feel desperately in need of permanent company, I have been married twice, for about 20 years each time, divorced once then widowed. I wouldn't bother again. My second marriage was great, and I miss him, but added to all the other disadvantages you listed, I am in the age category where it is bound to end in one partner caring for the other. I don't want either, to be cared for or to do the caring, by or to someone without a history of a long loving relationship. Most men aren't worth the effort to be honest.

If you want to date people, then you'll probably need to change some things if you want more than "finding a unicorn" success rates. The picture you paint of yourself is of somebody who's fairly unapproachable - the "loud, opinionated" and "completely unwilling to compromise" parts - and most guys won't approach in a social situation if it looks like there's any chance of immediate public rejection; those things are short-term red flags which will probably be indicators of long-term failure.

You're happy as you are, so don't date. Simple. As you said, that may change in the future, so this is a problem for future-you to deal with; there is absolutely no benefit to compromising your current happiness by worrying about a problem that is a few years away at worst, and may never happen.

I'm fat, with kids, with a career I love, the dress sense of a 14 year old with a Primark gift card, and a ridiculously high sex drive. I went into dating to find some "fun" during my child free time, ended up finding someone who has the same interests as me (and made me fall in love with new ones) and the attitude and drive that matches my own.

The key is to treat life like a game, have fun out there, don't take it too seriously, especially dating.

And men love fat old birds, if they are the right men.