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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say something to them ?

58 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 26/07/2023 21:47

Colleagues keep gossiping about a woman we work with. She is intensely private, very shy, single, think she lives with parents but hasn't actually said. No kids and aged 40 but looks in her twenties which becomes relevant as I go on. She is really lovely and brilliant at her job which is all that counts in my book. Anyway, she has just come back from a 2 week holiday with her parents and 2 of my colleagues are saying how odd it is, how sad they are for her, how she hasn't got anyone else to go with etc, how weird it is that she seems more like a teen than a middle aged woman. All I have said is that it must be tough to be single at 40 as my sister is around the same age and in a similar position which makes me feel protective of my colleague. As I know from my sister that other people can be very cruel and make it seem like there is something wrong with you if you have no partner or kids. Also, people say she should go on holiday alone but many wouldn't like that. Personally, I would not. My main point is that I feel she is being bullied. Aibu to go to HR?

OP posts:
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Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 01:34

Nothing wrong with going to HR. But you will probably be the one being gossiped about after that. I would just laugh and remind them that unmarried childless women the happiest demographic.

2pence · 30/07/2023 01:29

@bridgetreilly so as you've kindly put the descriptors. She is being discriminated against because she is an unmarried woman (sex) who is in her forties (age). Because of this she is viewed as a figure to be pitied and is seen as lesser than a married woman or a single younger woman.

The actions also come under harassment as you've described here.

It is also bullying- you can look that up if you like.

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2023 22:48

And indeed this:

Discrimination can come in one of the following forms:

  • direct discrimination - treating someone with a protected characteristic less favourably than others
  • indirect discrimination - putting rules or arrangements in place that apply to everyone, but that put someone with a protected characteristic at an unfair disadvantage
  • harassment - unwanted behaviour linked to a protected characteristic that violates someone’s dignity or creates an offensive environment for them
  • victimisation - treating someone unfairly because they’ve complained about discrimination or harassment

She is not being treated differently, she is not being harassed or victimisation. There are no laws about talking about a colleague or not liking a colleague or thinking a colleague has a weird lifestyle. There are laws about how someone is actually treated.

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2023 22:46

The law protects you against discrimination at work, including:

  • dismissal
  • employment terms and conditions
  • pay and benefits
  • promotion and transfer opportunities
  • training
  • recruitment
  • redundancy

Which of these is she being discriminated in?

Discrimination: your rights

It is against the law to discriminate against anyone because of their sex, religion, disability or certain other personal characteristics ('protected characteristics')

https://www.gov.uk/discrimination-your-rights/discrimination-at-work

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2023 22:44

Go on Google @bridgetreilly, type in Equality Act 2010 protected characteristics. Read it. Then come back and apologise.

I didn’t mean to say it wasn’t a protected characteristic, but that what the OP described is not discriminatory behaviour, either on the basis of marital status or age or anything. Because it is not discriminatory behaviour.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 29/07/2023 18:14

Because I wanted them to stop and foolishly thought they might think twice about what they were saying if they could emphasise.

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 29/07/2023 13:57

TinaTeaspoons · 27/07/2023 22:19

You sound like one of the people who would judge her @AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair 🙄.
I'm going to report it to HR. Just because it's not said to her face doesn't mean it isn't bullying. They are mocking her and it isn't right. They have no right. Acting superior just because they are married with kids. It's pathetic. I would much rather be single then be with their husbands too.

You said this in your OP @TinaTeaspoons

'All I have said is that it must be tough to be single at 40 '

2pence · 29/07/2023 11:59

Thanks for this @fancreek.

It would be age related and sex related discrimination, as they are singling her out because she is an unmarried woman in her 40s.

fancreek · 29/07/2023 11:41

2pence · 29/07/2023 10:07

Go on Google @bridgetreilly, type in Equality Act 2010 protected characteristics. Read it. Then come back and apologise.

You've misunderstood. The characteristic is about discrimination if you are married or in a same sex partnership. You aren't covered by it if you're single.

www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/marriage-and-civil-partnership-discrimination

latetothefisting · 29/07/2023 10:38

SashaPearce · 28/07/2023 10:35

Who knows. If they pushed themselves into marriages that they weren’t really that keen on because they were afraid of being seen as single, and they’ve now met someone with a stronger sense of self who seems happy in her living situation, then yeah, they may feel threatened. Happy people aren’t mean about others, in my experience.

Show quote history

Yes I agree - perhaps it's not jealousy exactly but people can definitely be envious of others who have the confidence to not follow the "typical" path in life yet has the audacity to seem happy/content anyway - as a pp said if they thought about it too much it might cause them to wonder why they aren't happy when they've done everything they've been told is "right", easier to bitch about it with other people to reassure themselves their way of life is the correct one and the other person is an oddity and to be pitied.

I do agree with other posters though, if she isn't aware of it then it's not bullying. Taking it to hr could cause a much worse atmosphere because they will obviously presume its her that's "told" on them so might be even ruder to her. Also it might hurt her feelings if hr then talk to her about it when she's currently unaware. It could make the situation a lot worse.
If the woman showed any indication she was aware of it and wanted support that would of course be different.

Thelastwaltz · 29/07/2023 10:21

You'll need to check your work protocols for this dealing with this kind of issue - so I think HR should be the first port of call.

2pence · 29/07/2023 10:12

Age is also a protected characteristic by the way.@bridgetreilly

While you're learning things, maybe look up what constitutes Bullying, Harassment and Discrimination and discover the purpose of the Equality Act.

Maddy70 · 29/07/2023 10:09

I would just say "how about not talking about her she seems happy "

2pence · 29/07/2023 10:07

Go on Google @bridgetreilly, type in Equality Act 2010 protected characteristics. Read it. Then come back and apologise.

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2023 09:12

Marital status is a protected characteristic in the Equality Act 2010 so you were right to report to HR as this is discriminatory behaviour.

No, it isn’t. FFS.

Discriminatory behaviour involves some actual discrimination. If she were being paid less, not being promoted, prevented from using the coffee machine, given the worst jobs or, you know, some actual behaviour, then sure. But the OPs colleagues are not DOING anything. No bullying and no discrimination. They just talk about her sometimes. While you may not like gossiping, it is nothing to do with the Equality Act.

2pence · 28/07/2023 22:56

Marital status is a protected characteristic in the Equality Act 2010 so you were right to report to HR as this is discriminatory behaviour.

Well done for being an upstander instead of a bystander.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 28/07/2023 22:45

I'm responding to the person saying she could get a bloke if she wanted if she looks in her twenties when she is 40. That implies she is beautiful.
There is more to her and us as women than our looks or whether we are coupled up with children or not.

OP posts:
ScentlessAprentice · 28/07/2023 22:43

"Not being rude either but she isn't stunning or even beautiful". Not really sure what you're trying to say here. You talk about old-fashioned and pathetic notions, but then go on about her appearance. I'm so confused, what exactly is your point?

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 28/07/2023 22:32

Maybe she doesn't see the need for one though @nalabae . Why is that so absurd. It shouldn't be a case of finding her someone because she isn't complete without. That is ridiculously old fashioned and pathetic.How limiting that is to someone. Not being rude either but she isn't stunning or even beautiful. She just looks very young, is average looking but a lovely person.

OP posts:
Jifmicroliquid · 28/07/2023 22:29

I am a woman near that age who is single by choice and does not want a relationship or any children. If people feel sorry for me, they are wasting their time because I feel sorry for people with partners and children!!
I don’t know why people feel that everyone should follow the same rules and that anyone who doesn’t should be felt sorry for. Very strange!

OP- it’s great that you are sticking up for this lady. I’d tell your gossipy colleagues to wind their necks in a bit and that there’s nothing wrong with choosing to live life differently to others.

nalabae · 28/07/2023 22:26

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 28/07/2023 08:25

I wasn't meaning to judge, it just seems very unlikely that multiple married women with children would be jealous of your friend. Not that there's anything wrong at all with her life.

My point was that suggesting jealousy rather than nastiness seems like a childish interpretation of their behaviour

Show quote history

Being married doesn't equal being happy as we constantly see on MN with posts everyday
This woman looks young and has no responsibility it is defo jealously and I doubt she can't pull a man looking 20s

nalabae · 28/07/2023 22:23

That's pure jealousy

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 28/07/2023 22:05

I already said what they had been saying in my OP.
I reported it to management today and she agreed that it was unacceptable and that she would be dealing with it.
I have to say @winetime22. Your response was truly depressing and patronising. Feeling pity for someone because they don't have a bloke or kids? It's 2023 for heavens sake. Why does a woman need a man to be happy or complete? See if I started a thread saying is there anything wrong with being 40 and single, most would say there is not. Yet it's clear from this thread that there are many who see single women as lacking or someone to be pitied. Truly depressing.

OP posts:
SashaPearce · 28/07/2023 12:49

One thing I find really weird is how single women, and married women with children, are judged so differently for doing exactly the same thing. Married woman with children gets cat: ah, she wanted a pet. Single woman gets cat: ah, crazy cat lady, it’s clearly a substitute partner/child. Married woman with children goes on holiday with her parents: ah what a lovely extended family holiday, idyllic. Single woman goes on holiday with her parents: tragic, she obviously isn’t a proper grown-up, why hasn’t she separated from them. It’s really like people feel that if a woman doesn’t have a partner and children, she doesn’t deserve to have any relationships at all and should be sitting in a room on her own in penance. Because obviously that would be a happier situation for everyone involved.

Ponoka7 · 28/07/2023 12:12

My DD reported colleagues for name calling behind people's backs. It changed the whole atmosphere and made sitting in the staff room very unpleasant. They were dealt with. Sometimes people need reminding that they aren't in school, or in the pub. I do think that you need to think why you said that it's difficult to be single at 40, because I had a great time in my 30's/early 40's. I also know a woman who has never bothered with a relationship and still occasionally went on holiday with her parents and extended family/friends (I was one of them) they were great company. As a mother of two women who are choosing to be child free (and so can do what they want with their time and money), the judgements need to stop.