Not making allowances for stepmum

Seriously, you must uninvite them all.
You risk these vile people spoiling your expensive and (hopefully) only wedding day. You will regret it for the rest of your life if they ruin your special day. It is far too much of a risk.

Explain the situation to stepsister, and find some other way to make it up to her, such as taking her on holiday with you when she is 18.

1. It’s still an expensive wedding and I stand by that I wouldn’t, if it was me, contribute to such extravagance in place of something I really wanted for my home.
2. Well then your dad should either have paid maintenance (though he wouldn’t have needed to do this for your brother if he lived with him) or decided his son shouldn’t be paying keep. Either way you’re targeting the wrong enemy - your dad is your brother’s relative and he should have been the one making decision. Except he let his wife do it and said nothing.
3. Again, your dad didn’t feel strongly enough about you having keys to put his foot down.
4. I stand by the dog comment - o think there’s a lot of petty trying-to-get-one-over type things going on and it was always gonna implode.
5. How much contact do you have with her? Are you even close?

Honestly OP all roads lead back to your deadbeat dad. Cut them out - the sad part will mean cutting out your stepsister and you will be painted the bad guy. But for the sake of your sanity on your wedding g day, it’s the oBly option

Because if doing something simple like putting a dog in another room to make a guest more comfortable is an option, it’s plain shitty to refuse to do this and you couldn’t possibly expect a positive reaction like ‘ph it’s fine we will leave the human at home’.

Anyway OP, you seem to be blaming your stepmother for a lot of your dad’s behaviour - not seeing you as a child, not giving you wedding money. But clearly - and I really am sorry to say it - it’s him. He didn’t even reply to your scan picture. That tells you everything you need to know about how he feels. Actually your stepmum is almost irrelevant in this all. Because your dad is enough of a shithead to not even get to the point to consider how she feels.

Either cut your wedding down to 73 guests or invite a couple of more mates in their place. Your dad is a wanker and your wedding is too memory-heavy a day to let him spoil it.

Plus it’s not her money either. She’s not worked a day since she moved in with my Dad. - if they are married and/or share finances then it is joint money presumably and she has as much say as him over how it is used so your dislike of her may be clouding your judgement there.

They sound horrible and to have treated you badly over the years so please don't let them ruin your wedding. I agree with others - by inviting your step sister to be a bridesmaid you are inviting more control and drama from them. it was a nice gesture but she is a child so they are already controlling arrangements for the dress fitting - if they won't come to you except on their terms and they won't let her travel alone there is nothing you can do except disengage. I can see them making you jump through all sorts of hoops for her to be a bridesmaid only for them to decide at the last minute they are not coming - or worse for them to attend and spoil things for you. You won't win this while step sister is still a child. You won't make your father suddenly become the father you want him to be, he has repeatedly shown where his priorities are, I am so sorry about this. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

In regards to point no4 it’s the dogs home why should it be put away for an unwelcome guest. “Not everybody likes dogs” well not everybody likes this woman but nobody respects that feeling so fuck her health condition she can stay in her own house problem solved.

you sound comparable to her step mum tbh

YANBU, but tbh I don't think it was practical to ask your stepsister to be bridesmaid. It was always going to necessitate more contact with them than is advisable.

Is she your step sister or half sister? You see Dad once every two or three years so the wedding will be the second time you've seen her since she was 10? Does she even know you well enough to be excited to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry but she's basically a stranger and if there's no blood link, when your Dad dies you'll likely never see her again.

I'd be rethinking the whole relationship set tbh.

I didn’t even have a seat and she told the guests that I was a distant friend of the family.

Really?

That doesn’t sound at all believable.

Youre telling us that people didn’t know you were the groom’s daughter? And that she actually ran the risk of looking like a massive liar by lying about the identity of a significant member of her husband’s family?

Are you sure she wasn’t referring to the general direction? Or are you saying she told all her guests that you in particular are a distant relative? I’m trying to figure out what that would look like. Presumably her guests knew her new DH was a father? I think you’ve misunderstood and your hatred of her has just fuelled your need to believe she doesn’t like you

I absolutely wouldn't make excuses for them. I'd be telling them straight. Perfect opportunity to do so. They have been hoisted by their own petard 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m actually shocked that people can be so poisonous. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve shown your generosity of spirit by including your ss in the wedding. Is it worth telling him if he can’t be pleasant and happy for you on your wedding day, you’d rather they didn’t come? It doesn’t sound as if you’d be losing very much.

Ive read your post a few times and sorry but YABU IMP

For the following reasons:

1. (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) - I wouldn’t be contributing either because a £10k wedding is not cheap and 75 guests is definitely cut-down-able. If the ‘ask’ to me was ‘we are skint and I have no job but we still want a nice wedding g’ to find out that actually it’s a huge 5-figure wedding, id say no too. I would rather have a summer house which will last rather than add to an already extravagant party for someone else
2. Re your stepmum: charging your adult brother rent is entirely reasonable and normal. It’s also reasonable to expect a working adult to move to their own place - especially if it was 10-20+ years ago.
3. Entirely reasonable to ask an adult/almost adult not to just wander into her house whenever you felt like it. If this was a stepmum post on MN everyone would say ‘demand the keys back’
4. Totally shitty to not put your dog away. I cannot stand dog people who can’t understand not everyone loves their dog. But this woman has a health condition FFS and you are essentially saying ‘well that’s your problem’. That’s mean as fuck
5. It seems you’ve asked your stepsister to get one over on your stepmum/dad

I think maybe reflect and think this woman may actually be reasonable, and that you weren’t perhaps the wonderful teenager you may have thought you were.

Oh Op, you know this isn't going to end well. They will ruin your wedding!! Can you say you e had to cut down on numbers of the wedding party to save costs. How close are you to the daughter?

Please stop putting up with this shit. She is going to ruin your wedding. She is going to make your day all about her and it will be miserable.

Your dad is a shit parent and you are best cutting him off. The more you give oxygen to these people, the more they will abuse you. Please uninvite them. I understand your concerns for your step sister but there is no way round this without leaving her out too. She said will soon be old enough to decide for herself.

I hate women like your stepmother. My ex married somebody similar who hated my little boy with a passion. She is now subject of an injunction and my son is protected from her venom. Do yourself a favour here, you won't look back.

By asking your ss to be a bridesmaid you've invited more drama into your life. I don't know why you are making things hard for yourself. She's not your child that you need to save her from them. They could easily cut contact and then you would have no relationship with her anyway. Do they even know about the seating arrangements? I can't help but think you've thrown good money after bad and sm will engineer an argument and they'll end up not coming anyway.

You really need to take a step back and focus on your own nuclear family. Your dad is a poor excuse of a father and you will never get a normal, loving relationship with him. So as hard as it will be you need to let it go. Otherwise it's going to go back and forth with endless drama. Put your own family first.

It's lovely that you have wanted to include your ss but as she is a child, her parents rules have to be obeyed even though they are ridiculous. I wouldn't involve her in anything more high pressure until she is 18 and can come and travel to you independently

They sound dreadful, I'm sorry but reading all this I really think they will end up ruining your wedding if you allow them to come. As others have said, it has got to the point where the ongoing relationship will only be hurtful to you, you don't need this at any time, but especially not when you are going to become a mum yourself. Let your step sister know you'll always be there for her if she needs you.

This , couple of nasty narcissistic pricks I appreciate he’s your dad but you deserve far better! Cut all 3 out of the dayor maybe even every dat they do not deserve a spot in your special day and your stepsister will see for herself when she’s old enough to leave them that it was never you

Being the ‘bigger person’ is massively overrated. It’s a myth peddled by people who treat you like shit so they can carry on being pricks.

Kick these arseholes out of your life.

Tell your stepsister you love her and when she’s an adult you can’t wait to have a relationship with her independent of her toxic mother and your toxic father.

You don’t sound resentful or grabby at all OP. It’s just on MN anything more than £200 on a wedding is considered outrageous.

Your dad and his wife sound bloody awful, just cut them off. Sorry about your SSis though, but she isn’t actually your responsibility.

Can I just add you sound quite resentful that your mum is giving you money for the wedding and your dad isn't. It's perfectly ok for him to spend 10k on what he and and his wife want. They have earned and saved for that. It's ok for them to decide not to spend that money on a day for someone else. It really is a terrible waste of money. Your mum wants to do that and that's her choice

I'd probably respond thanks for understanding re. the dog being more important. You knew he would, given the way he has prioritised the SM over the years and that you'll sort something with your stepsister directly.

Then I'd drop him and try to maintain a relationship with your stepsister directly.

I know it's unfair on your step sister but I'd get your Dad and Step mum away from your life and wedding.
Your step mum sounds vile and your Dad is vile (sorry) for allowing her behaviour!

Like other posters have said , keep lines of communication open for your step sister she may appreciate it one day but anything else I'd back away!

You're unreasonable for moaning about the money. The rest of it yeah your dad's showing his true colours