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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not making allowances for stepmum

82 replies

Chunkychips23 · 24/07/2023 09:51

I’m getting married in a few months and my mum and my partners parents have helped towards some of the costs. I got made redundant the day after finding out I was pregnant after years of TTC, so money has been tight (we’d already paid deposits etc, so cancelling wasn’t an option)

My Dad refused to help contribute and said we should have done the wedding cheaper (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) and he told my Mum no, he won’t be helping as he had nothing spare. Then he’s just spent over £10k on building a summer house that his wife wanted.

I personally didn’t expect my Dad to contribute as he hasn’t since he met his wife when I was 17.

She hates me and my sibling, always has. We were never unpleasant to her. I was actually really excited when my Dad met her and tried my best to befriend her, but she did her best to make sure I was pushed out. Things like telling me I needed to give my dads house keys back as it was no longer my house and she didn’t want me walking in to hers and her kids home. My brother still lived there initially and she charged him rent and would allow him one shelf in the fridge for him to buy his own food (he was 18yrs old, finishing college) and also used to lie to my Dad that my brother was being horrible to her when my Dad wasn’t there (my bro is literally one of the kindest, most gentle people you could ever meet) They eventually moved away and made it clear my brother had to find somewhere else to live as he wasn’t welcome.

Basically, there was loads of stuff that she and my Dad did over the years which is material for another post! My Dad and I have since had a very strained relationship. He would go no contact for several months and ignore my attempts at communicating, then suddenly reach out again. So it’s been difficult, but I’ve always tried to keep the door open as he’s my Dad and he wasn’t always like this.

I asked my stepsister to be a bridesmaid as I’m not punishing her because her mother has an issue with me. My stepsister is 15yrs old and a lovely kid. I’ve bought her dress and shoes and she was due to come up and try it on. My Dad announced he’d be bringing his wife to my home and that I’d need to make sure my dog wasn’t in the house as she’s unwell (long term chronic condition) and he doesn’t want my dog bothering her. This woman hates my guts, she’s only coming to make me uncomfortable in my own home! (I see my Dad once every few years and she either comes with him or will ring him constantly whilst I’m with him.)

I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant when they come up, neither of them have once asked about the baby either. I sent him a scan pic and he ignored it completely and when my Mum messaged him about it, he basically said he wasn’t arsed. His wife did leave a bitchy comment on my Facebook announcement post! I just don’t think I should be hosting someone who hates me, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, in my own home.

I said I won’t be making sure my dog is locked up or out of the house and if his wife is that unwell, he shouldn’t be bringing her and I can just post the dress for my stepsister to try on.

He said “well if your Dog is more important then I understand” and that I’m ruining things for my stepsister as she doesn’t have much family and I need make sure I’m there for her as he won’t be travelling up without his wife.

Now I feel guilty about my stepsister as she was looking forward to seeing me. It’s not my fault that he and his wife chose to cut out all of their families and isolate themselves, but I feel he’s making me out to be unreasonable. But now I feel like I’m punishing her because I can’t suck up hosting his wife for a few hours.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
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Theeyeballsinthesky · 24/07/2023 20:50

Christ she sounds like my DH step mother. Cut them out of your life. He’s never going to be the father you’d like him to be and retaining contact will only ever guarantee a lifetime of feeling let down and not good enough

MayThe4th · 24/07/2023 20:45

Entirely reasonable to ask an adult/almost adult not to just wander into her house whenever you felt like it. If this was a stepmum post on MN everyone would say ‘demand the keys back’ and if it was a woman posting saying that her new dp had demanded her almost adult children hand their keys back she would be told to leave him.

strongcupofTea · 24/07/2023 20:44

I wouldn't have that women or my
Dad anywhere near me ever again let alone I'm my home or at my wedding. I would never speak to either of them ever again and I wouldn't even go to their funerals.

OP you are too forgiving move on from these scumbags and enjoy your pregnancy and wedding surrounded by your lovely family.

FairAcre · 24/07/2023 20:42

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 18:45

Ive read your post a few times and sorry but YABU IMP

For the following reasons:

  1. (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) - I wouldn’t be contributing either because a £10k wedding is not cheap and 75 guests is definitely cut-down-able. If the ‘ask’ to me was ‘we are skint and I have no job but we still want a nice wedding g’ to find out that actually it’s a huge 5-figure wedding, id say no too. I would rather have a summer house which will last rather than add to an already extravagant party for someone else
  2. Re your stepmum: charging your adult brother rent is entirely reasonable and normal. It’s also reasonable to expect a working adult to move to their own place - especially if it was 10-20+ years ago.
  3. Entirely reasonable to ask an adult/almost adult not to just wander into her house whenever you felt like it. If this was a stepmum post on MN everyone would say ‘demand the keys back’
  4. Totally shitty to not put your dog away. I cannot stand dog people who can’t understand not everyone loves their dog. But this woman has a health condition FFS and you are essentially saying ‘well that’s your problem’. That’s mean as fuck
  5. It seems you’ve asked your stepsister to get one over on your stepmum/dad

I think maybe reflect and think this woman may actually be reasonable, and that you weren’t perhaps the wonderful teenager you may have thought you were.

Seriously?? Are you the stepmother? Ridiculous arguments.

NancyJoan · 24/07/2023 20:20

Oh, OP. My dad is a similarly spiteful, arrogant dick, and though his wife isn’t pure poison like your SM, she definitely would have preferred it to be just the two of them. I saw him very intermittently as a child and teen, then stopped once I got to 18, but when I got married I felt like I should invite them. It felt too BIG to not. Like it would mean all ties were cut.

It’s my one wedding regret. They made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable all day, he made some nasty comment about the way I looked. I’ve never seen or heard from them since.

Jujubes5 · 24/07/2023 20:16

I think you are trying to compensate SS for her sad life and intertwining it with your sad teenage years with a horrible father and bitchy mother.
But I doubt she is really in the same position - and even if she is she is almost grown up enough to choose to leave home and visit you as and when she wants and without informing the evil parents. So you will have a relationship with her in the future if you choose to.

I think I'd say to her that your sorry but it's too hard trying to arrange for her bridesmaid dress (though why you can't bypass the evil father and just txt her privately and meet up with her somewhere eg in a shop where she can try on the dress in the changing rooms) and perhaps just leave it.
Don't discuss the venue, the dog or anything with this pair.

Approaching · 24/07/2023 20:10

I can believe what you said about your dads wedding. I wasn’t invited when mine was married, in later years I heard the phrase “oh, I didn’t know X had a daughter” many times! When I had my child three years ago I texted him to let him know. He said “that’s big news”, and I’ve not heard from him since. No one changes unless they really want to - change is hard.

So, yes, there is life past shitty dads, and it is much better!

JingsMahBucket · 24/07/2023 20:05

@Chunkychips23 for your own sanity and dignity, I highly suggest you stop arguing with the goady fuckers on this thread and trying to justify yourself to them. They just want to harangue you, needlessly poke holes in your narrative, and not actually help you.

Focus on the people who are actually giving good suggestions on how to deal with this. :)

Wallywobbles · 24/07/2023 20:04

Your dad is a cunt. He was meant to protect you. Forget everyone else and hold onto that. Dad not invited. Step sis maybe collateral damage. But I'd send her the dress and offer to have her to stay. But none of the others would step foot in my life.

MayThe4th · 24/07/2023 20:03

In regards to point no4 it’s the dogs home why should it be put away for an unwelcome guest. “Not everybody likes dogs” well not everybody likes this woman but nobody respects that feeling so fuck her health condition she can stay in her own house problem solved. sorry but this made me snigger.

OP, the money is a red herring.

Presumably the reason why you have even noticed the money situation is because this is just one in a long line of behaviours which confirm to you what kind of people these people are.

I would explain to your stepsister that while you want her to be a bridesmaid it’s jut not practical because of the family dynamic, but that you will always be there for her. I suspect she hates her stepdad as much as you hate your stepmom, and if she has any sense she’ll be off as soon as she’s old enough.

Then I would tell your dad that it would be best if he and your stepmom didn’t come to the wedding. If he objects tell him that the seating plan has made allowance for the dog to sit next to the stepmom <evil cackle>.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 24/07/2023 20:01

You sound like a very lovely person, op. :)

okiedokie1 · 24/07/2023 19:56

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 18:51

I didn’t even have a seat and she told the guests that I was a distant friend of the family.

Really?

That doesn’t sound at all believable.

Youre telling us that people didn’t know you were the groom’s daughter? And that she actually ran the risk of looking like a massive liar by lying about the identity of a significant member of her husband’s family?

Are you sure she wasn’t referring to the general direction? Or are you saying she told all her guests that you in particular are a distant relative? I’m trying to figure out what that would look like. Presumably her guests knew her new DH was a father? I think you’ve misunderstood and your hatred of her has just fuelled your need to believe she doesn’t like you

Do you regularly just invalidate what an OP says because you don't think it makes sense? The OP clearly says that most of the new friends didn't even know he was a father such is the distance now between them all since he got remarried.

EvilElsa · 24/07/2023 19:54

Just go NC with them. Honestly. It's so much easier than years of disappointment. I'm not trying to hurt you, but your dad doesn't give a shit about you and has happily backed up his bully wife for years. They don't deserve space in your life, let alone at your wedding.

okiedokie1 · 24/07/2023 19:48

orangeleavesinautumn · 24/07/2023 11:41

I have not read the whole OP but stopped and voted YABU when I saw the price of the wedding. Insanity.

Insanity because it's high or low?

MandaX · 24/07/2023 19:41

Oh what a tough situation to be in, I absolutely wouldn't want the Stepmum in my house. Would it be possible to drive or have someone give your Stepsister a lift over to try the dress and spend some time with you? I'd be seriously considering uninviting the Stepmum but I know it's not always as simple as that. Whatever happens. I hope you have a wonderful day. Don't let anyone ruin it. X

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 24/07/2023 19:38

Approaching · 24/07/2023 19:15

OP I was 30 when I realised I had to stop trying to make my dad love me and accept that his behaviour was the truth. Is there any way that having a relationship with him brings anything positive to your life? Because it doesn’t sound like it.

I don’t think you sound grabby - I think you were trying to say that if he had contributed money to the wedding then he would have been in a position to make requests (eg step mother at top table), but he didn’t and still made demands.

Honestly, if the only reason you maintain a relationship is for your step sister then explain things to her directly, tell her that you are always there for her but only directly, and stop trying to involve your father in your life.

Reading through everyone’s comments, I’m starting to realise he’s never going to change. I’ve been holding out hoping that he’d be the Dad he once was. I was hoping that with getting married and becoming a Grandfather he might change or want to be more involved. It took me a few years of therapy to realise it wasn’t my fault.

I see how my DP is with his kids. Although there has been some parental alienation, he has fought tooth and nail to keep a relationship with them, keep seeing them. And being in a SM position, as frustrating as the kids can be sometimes, I’d never in a million years try and come between them and their Dad. They’re always welcome in our home and they should always be prioritised. The eldest is now in his 20’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s time for my DP to stop being a Dad or that he doesn’t need to be there for his kid. Couldn’t think of anything less attractive in a partner than one who drops his own children!

OP posts:
Naunet · 24/07/2023 19:38

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 18:59

Because if doing something simple like putting a dog in another room to make a guest more comfortable is an option, it’s plain shitty to refuse to do this and you couldn’t possibly expect a positive reaction like ‘ph it’s fine we will leave the human at home’.

Anyway OP, you seem to be blaming your stepmother for a lot of your dad’s behaviour - not seeing you as a child, not giving you wedding money. But clearly - and I really am sorry to say it - it’s him. He didn’t even reply to your scan picture. That tells you everything you need to know about how he feels. Actually your stepmum is almost irrelevant in this all. Because your dad is enough of a shithead to not even get to the point to consider how she feels.

Either cut your wedding down to 73 guests or invite a couple of more mates in their place. Your dad is a wanker and your wedding is too memory-heavy a day to let him spoil it.

Show quote history

I’m happy to be a shitty person then, because no way in hell I’d shut my dog away in a room for a woman I didn’t even want in MY house and didn’t even have the basic manners as to ask nicely. My dog is more polite than that.

Mizzl45 · 24/07/2023 19:38

I think she’s a shitty woman and he’s an even shittier man for allowing this to happen to his daughter.
when people show you who they are- believe them.
Stop letting them have power in your life. you aren’t upset over what you have- it’s what you hoped to have. Once you truly realise you’re banging your head against a brick wall, you realise the futility of it- they are shitty people. Maybe they weren’t always, maybe they aren’t to everyone - but they are now to you and you can’t live on was or maybe.
I think once you have your child you will truly see how much selfishness it would take to shrug your own flesh and blood off like that.
You sound like a lovely, kind person but you can’t judge people by your own standards.

They take kindness for weakness and happiness for stupidity. Avoid people like this- they will always try to feed off whatever you have and not think twice about what it costs you. I always think kind people’s light just shows the darkness in some and they want it for themselves and if not will be content as long as no one else can have it.

Congratulations on the baby and upcoming nuptials! You have a lot to be happy about- just remember certain folk won’t want you to have that but they have no power to take a drop of it unless you permit it!

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 19:36

@Chunkychips23 trust me when you’re a parent the shiftiness of your dad will hit you like a truck. You will look at your baby and think ‘how could he have treated me so poorly, I was the same as this once and he fucked up’. Good luck to you! But I echo PPs - you have a Dad problem. Save your pennies and Uninvite them

ttcat37 · 24/07/2023 19:35

Why are you being such a pushover? Why are you paying for these undeserving, unpleasant, unworthy people to attend one of the most important days of your life?
I’d be replying “yes, my dog’s more important than yours” and tell them all to swivel. Block these awful people and move on with your life. I’m sure the 15 year old is nice but she’s not your sister she’s your dad’s wife’s child and no relative to you.
Now is a great time to protect your baby from ever having to force a relationship with these people- why would you want them around your child?

CombatBarbie · 24/07/2023 19:34

orangeleavesinautumn · 24/07/2023 11:41

I have not read the whole OP but stopped and voted YABU when I saw the price of the wedding. Insanity.

Seriously 🙄 ffs..... £10k all in for 75 guests is cheap. And you've completely missed the point of this thread.

Op, why is SS her carer, whys your dad not? And why on earth can't a 15yr old go on the train, is it direct?

I feel so sorry for your SS, dependant on distance could you go get her and have her for a week? Sounds like she too could do with some down time.

Def don't bow down to SMs demands.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 24/07/2023 19:29

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 19:04

  1. It’s still an expensive wedding and I stand by that I wouldn’t, if it was me, contribute to such extravagance in place of something I really wanted for my home.
  2. Well then your dad should either have paid maintenance (though he wouldn’t have needed to do this for your brother if he lived with him) or decided his son shouldn’t be paying keep. Either way you’re targeting the wrong enemy - your dad is your brother’s relative and he should have been the one making decision. Except he let his wife do it and said nothing.
  3. Again, your dad didn’t feel strongly enough about you having keys to put his foot down.
  4. I stand by the dog comment - o think there’s a lot of petty trying-to-get-one-over type things going on and it was always gonna implode.
  5. How much contact do you have with her? Are you even close?

Honestly OP all roads lead back to your deadbeat dad. Cut them out - the sad part will mean cutting out your stepsister and you will be painted the bad guy. But for the sake of your sanity on your wedding g day, it’s the oBly option

Show quote history

I speak to my SS regularly as she feels really lonely and isolated. They chose to move to a remote village, which sucked for my stepmums
kids. I want to cut them both out, but then that would leave SS completely alone.

I gave her a lot of leeway. I could understand initially why she must have felt weird about it all. Moving into what was your DP and ex wife’s home must have felt strange and she’d want to put her stamp on it. She’s also only 8 years older than me, which when I was 17 was so exciting to me, thought it would be like having an older friend, but she didn’t want to know.

I’m not usually one of those people who puts their dog above humans. Anyone else asked I’d happily put my dog away in a separate part of the house. At her wedding, they invited me to stay over but outside in a broken caravan in winter, with a bust window and a door that wouldn’t shut. She locked the door at night and said it was because she didn’t want anyone in her house. Pretty humiliating having to wee in a field. I couldn’t leave either as they had their wedding at theirs, which is in the middle of nowhere. So yes, I’m being petty and I’m not 100% proud of it.

I agree that my Dad is the main problem here. He’s allowed for it to happen. He’s the one who chooses to dip in and out of my life. I think now I’m about to be a parent myself, I just don’t understand it.

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 24/07/2023 19:27

WeetabixTowels · 24/07/2023 18:59

Because if doing something simple like putting a dog in another room to make a guest more comfortable is an option, it’s plain shitty to refuse to do this and you couldn’t possibly expect a positive reaction like ‘ph it’s fine we will leave the human at home’.

Anyway OP, you seem to be blaming your stepmother for a lot of your dad’s behaviour - not seeing you as a child, not giving you wedding money. But clearly - and I really am sorry to say it - it’s him. He didn’t even reply to your scan picture. That tells you everything you need to know about how he feels. Actually your stepmum is almost irrelevant in this all. Because your dad is enough of a shithead to not even get to the point to consider how she feels.

Either cut your wedding down to 73 guests or invite a couple of more mates in their place. Your dad is a wanker and your wedding is too memory-heavy a day to let him spoil it.

Show quote history

I couldn’t agree more IF she was a nice welcomed invited guest into the home … which she was none of you can’t honestly sit and tell us that you would happily go out your way and accommodate an uninvited unwelcome unkind guest that you don’t like in your own home lol

FuckNuggets · 24/07/2023 19:26

@WeetabixTowels are you the stepmum?

Approaching · 24/07/2023 19:15

OP I was 30 when I realised I had to stop trying to make my dad love me and accept that his behaviour was the truth. Is there any way that having a relationship with him brings anything positive to your life? Because it doesn’t sound like it.

I don’t think you sound grabby - I think you were trying to say that if he had contributed money to the wedding then he would have been in a position to make requests (eg step mother at top table), but he didn’t and still made demands.

Honestly, if the only reason you maintain a relationship is for your step sister then explain things to her directly, tell her that you are always there for her but only directly, and stop trying to involve your father in your life.