To not help because I don't like her?

Op11 · 2023-07-23T13:19:07+00:00

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together. I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general. Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being. Aibu?

NameChangePoP · 24/07/2023 14:18

I'm with you OP. No no and no again. You have absolutely no obligations to do this for her at all. You reap what you sow I'm afraid, and if she wasn't such an arse things might have been different.
Stand your ground because if you relent it will become a common theme and she will always throw the "but you did it before" line.
Sometimes in life people need a lesson to not be a dick - this is one of those times.

SemperIdem · 24/07/2023 14:12

nalione · 24/07/2023 13:58

If she didn't like you and used your child to spite you. Would she be unreasonable?Looking back in 5 years at this situation it will be you and your children on one side and her with her children on the other. Or you could ALL actually be a lot CLOSER. Unless you have already decided that prolonging unnecessary contention is helping you grow. The negitive relationship she has with your husband is about those two. Leave that to them. It sounds as if you dismissed your separate relationship with her based on your husband, a third person. If you cant do the Favour then fair enough. If you WON'T do the Favour based on your judgement of her toward her ex husband. Seems a little cross contaminated. What's that Based on what you've said. What has she actually done to you personally?. Is it worth all that unnecessary complication? Or could this be an opportunity for a GREAT sibling play date with happy memories.

You refer to the op’s relationship with her husband as though he’s some random irrelevance.

The op does not want a relationship with the woman, nor is she obliged to have one.

nalione · 24/07/2023 13:58

If she didn't like you and used your child to spite you. Would she be unreasonable?Looking back in 5 years at this situation it will be you and your children on one side and her with her children on the other. Or you could ALL actually be a lot CLOSER. Unless you have already decided that prolonging unnecessary contention is helping you grow. The negitive relationship she has with your husband is about those two. Leave that to them. It sounds as if you dismissed your separate relationship with her based on your husband, a third person. If you cant do the Favour then fair enough. If you WON'T do the Favour based on your judgement of her toward her ex husband. Seems a little cross contaminated. What's that Based on what you've said. What has she actually done to you personally?. Is it worth all that unnecessary complication? Or could this be an opportunity for a GREAT sibling play date with happy memories.

BadNomad · 24/07/2023 13:37

Nope. She should go ask her friends, not someone she has been a dick to.

Dubuem · 24/07/2023 13:11

Livinghappy · 23/07/2023 15:01

@Hesma Wow...the op needs to be careful when looking after a child she has no experience with. If anything happened can you imagine the backlash she would get!! I would never look after a child where I didn't have a good relationship with the mother...way too much risk.

Yes, it could open a can of worms. Sounds like no good deed goes unpunished with this lady.

Original poster

Op11 · 23/07/2023 22:48

strawberryandcreams · 23/07/2023 22:46

I would have said yes. To repair a relationship with me and the ex and hope it would cause less friction as time goes on

There's really nothing to repair. I am past wanting a relationship with her. I can stomach her to be civil to when I have to see her. I'm perfectly happy with that extent of having her in my life.

OP posts:

strawberryandcreams · 23/07/2023 22:46

I would have said yes. To repair a relationship with me and the ex and hope it would cause less friction as time goes on

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 22:43

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

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🤣🤣 I dont think you have a clue whar you're talking about.

@Op11 ignore the clowns on this thread. Espec the one who said you believe everything your dh says. When you run out of reasons to kick op, make them up 🤣

I'm not sure ir anyone has answered this but I'm sure MN would be happy for you to palm your 2 year old off?

Original poster

Op11 · 23/07/2023 22:42

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

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What do you mean? I'm talking about the child of my husbands ex and her new partner after her and my husband had already separated. Why would my husband be a father figure to said child? That's like saying she should be a mother figure to my child 😂

You seem confused. I'm not talking about a child that is my husbands or was even ever his step child. This child was born from his exes new relationship after he'd already separated from her. My husband has absolutely no relationship or responsibility toward or with this child and neither do I.

OP posts:

Original poster

Op11 · 23/07/2023 22:38

But yabu for believing everything that comes out of your dh’s mouth in relation to his ex, and how she speaks to him/what their conversations are. Men in these situations can be, shall we say, very economical with the truth

Oh trust me I've seen it with my own eyes. Read messages, heard phone calls, even had the police called to my doorstep once after she hit him and was ranting and raving after i told her to leave and shut the door in her face. I am fully aware of what an awful person she is and its not just from things my husband has told me. She is a hideous woman.

In answer to some other questions i don't think the 5 year olds father has much involvement nor his family but I'm not 100% sure on the situation.

OP posts:

leopard22 · 23/07/2023 20:21

The amount of people who would do this is baffling- I could understand it if the OP and kids mum had a better relationship but OP has already made it clear they don't, do you all do favours for people who have been dicks towards you?

What about the poor kid who barely even knows OP, it's unfair on them too.

Nice to see a thread where the OP has a backbone in my opinion, so if it wasn't already obvious YANBU. Has the mum made any reference to not sending DSS yet?

Livelovebehappy · 23/07/2023 20:04

Yanbu for declining to look after he dc. You don’t owe child care to someone who you are only associated with through marriage to her ex. Obviously different story for your DHs child. But yabu for believing everything that comes out of your dh’s mouth in relation to his ex, and how she speaks to him/what their conversations are. Men in these situations can be, shall we say, very economical with the truth.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 20:02

The thing is unless OP does this favour every single time, then this situation is bound to come up again over the next however many years so there's no point kicking the can down the road as the answer will have to be no at some point. If however if it's a genuine once-in-a-blue-moon one-off situation where OP wouldn't be called upon again then the child really isn't going to come to any harm being babysat away from their brother on one single occasion.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 19:59

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

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Eh? It is the perfect defense. There couldn't be a better defence.
OP doesnt need to look after the ex's child to be the 'bigger person' @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune she's already the bigger person cos she's not a dick.

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:51

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 19:49

Your disinclination to help is understandable, but I think it's better to respond strategically than emotionally.

Your child's half-sibling will be coming to yours anyway; why take your umbrage out on the smaller child who now will be farmed out somewhere instead of being with his brother?

Again, I totally get why you don't WANT to do it. and you certainly don't have to do it. But maybe being the bigger person once in a while, and being kind to a child, is the right thing to do. Rather than taking the hump, folding your arms and saying "you can't make me."

Guilt trip why don't we 🙄

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 19:49

Your disinclination to help is understandable, but I think it's better to respond strategically than emotionally.

Your child's half-sibling will be coming to yours anyway; why take your umbrage out on the smaller child who now will be farmed out somewhere instead of being with his brother?

Again, I totally get why you don't WANT to do it. and you certainly don't have to do it. But maybe being the bigger person once in a while, and being kind to a child, is the right thing to do. Rather than taking the hump, folding your arms and saying "you can't make me."

fanout · 23/07/2023 19:45

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

It absolutely is.

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:45

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

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Sounds like a perfect defence to me. She’s not his kid, so what better and stronger defence is needed?

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:16

To clarify my husband has never been a father figure to this child, step dad or dad. He wasn't with his ex when she was born, he was with me when this child was born.

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 19:39

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:56

She probably harbours a lot of sadness actually. Sad that her mum and stepdad broke up so now she probably has to spend Christmas and holidays without her brother. Do these things not enter your head?

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Well no, because he wasn’t her step dad at any point.

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:34

I’m baffled as to why the ex and her husband can’t sort it out between them. Why is it an unrelated woman’s problem to sort, and not her or even her husbands?! Ie the father of her child.

I bet if the OP was a man, he wouldn’t have his wife’s ex husband mithering him for childcare for his youngest child. In fact if OP was a man, his wife would be telling her ex husband and his wife to F off and backing her husband up!

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:28

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:16

To clarify my husband has never been a father figure to this child, step dad or dad. He wasn't with his ex when she was born, he was with me when this child was born.

Don't worry, the point is that you don't get along with this child mum and DC was born after your husband split up with her and your DH isn't the father

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:26

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:15

My husband is not this child's step dad. Exes 5 year old was born AFTER her and my husband split and is hers with a partner she had after my husband.

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I hate when people like @Mumtothreegirlies just jump on post's and make assumptions without even reading the post properly 🙄

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 19:20

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:07

It's fine to say no.
I'd be inclined to maybe say yes if she would owe me a favour eg baby aug my child one day so DH and o could have a date day together but only if you need that and you'd trust her with him

She doesn’t trust her. She’s the sort of arsehole parent who messes around with contact when she doesn’t get her way. OP has made this crystal clear if you read her posts. This woman and her complicated set up of exes and kids is not OP’s problem and she’s not the sort of person who’d ever do OP a favour.

These posts are baffling.

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:18

Nope. You don’t owe her anything. She cemented that reality with her attitude towards you. She can’t be a bitch and then come along asking you for childcare favours, especially when it’s her youngest child who isn’t even part of your family.

She’s got a husband. Between them they should be working this childcare issue out together. If that means a days pay lost because one of them has to stay off then so bloody be it. Lots of parents have to do the same. Where are their family members and the support networks that they might have?

Not your problem. And your DH is being weak and spineless saying you should agree to it just so he can stay in the ex’s good books. She won’t stop contact because she needs him for the contact schedules.

She shouldn’t get everything she wants just because of who she is….