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Original poster

Dropping kids off for contact

32 replies

Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 09:35

Ok so I’m just looking for some advice really .
when I speak to people in rl I feel they side with me because they are my friends so honest opinions most welcome .
so bit of background . Ex husband two sons (9 and 13) . Been split for over 7 years.
I drive he does not . I always did the drop offs pick ups as I wanted to keep the peace (I was the one who instigated split)
we used to live about a 20min drive away and he refused to collect as it would be to difficult for him . The children were little so it was easier to just continue to drop them.
I have since moved further away for the last 3 years . Drive now takes an hour via car . Because I moved away I have been doing drop off picks ups but I have recently had another baby with my partner.
with working life and a new baby it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do both drop offs and pick ups as he only has our sons for one night . So drop off is at 12 then we collect at 5pm the following day.

is it unreasonable for me to say he needs to either collect or bring back the children ? Or to meet half way? Everything I read has pointed out that I moved further away so I should be the one to continue to drive them.

AIBU to ask for some input in travelling to and from his home?

OP posts:
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ImNotReallySpartacus · 20/07/2023 17:53

It is hardly your fault that an adult male has not learned to drive and it would not be at all unreasonable to tell him he must collect his children. What's the betting he won't actually bother?

Lolapusht · 20/07/2023 17:43

All those adamant that it is 100% OP’s duty to do all drop offs and collections, if she turned round and told EXH that he can only see them if he comes to collect them would that be fair?

That’s what EXH did. He hasn’t changed his shift pattern, sees them when it suits him and makes OP do all the travelling even when they were 20 mins away. She’s even offered to split the difference and drop them at EXH’s parents which seems to be midway. Perfectly reasonable suggestion that has also been rebuffed.

Why does EXH dictate travel arrangements but OP doesn’t?

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 17:34

HeddaGarbled · 20/07/2023 17:02

All these changes were things you chose (the divorce, the move, the baby) and your children have just had to put up with. So, I think you’re morally obliged to facilitate their relationship with their dad in this way, even though it is inconvenient.

What if he was abusive? Or cheated? Is that different?

Must the OP be responsible for EVERY single pick up and drop off because she dared to leave him?

What about him? Does he have no moral obligation to maintain a relationship with his children?

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 17:32

Just to make it clear my children were part of the decision making on moving . We had alot of discussions with them and if they had even mentioned not wanting to move I would have never moved them .
my partner has never declined taking the boys to and from their dads . He treats them as his own and does more for them than their father ever has and has done without being asked because he’s just a good person . But I’ve always thought it important for them to have an ongoing relationship with their father so have tried to make this as easy as possible for them .
I “chose” divorce because he was not a good husband or even a slightly kind one to me so I made the choice to show my boys that treating someone you are supposed to love that way isn’t right and doesn’t have to be put up with .
I just don’t want you to think I met someone new and whisked my children off and had another baby as that is not what happened. Life happens and things change I shouldn’t have to carry the mental load forever surely? Does this only stop once they are adults ?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 20/07/2023 17:02

All these changes were things you chose (the divorce, the move, the baby) and your children have just had to put up with. So, I think you’re morally obliged to facilitate their relationship with their dad in this way, even though it is inconvenient.

liveforsummer · 20/07/2023 16:58

He is right

It's certainly right he doesn't HAVE to but CMS is well understood to be the bare minimum and right doesn't mean fair or reasonable especially when mum has the expense 12 days out of 14 and all the extras

MaxwellCat · 20/07/2023 16:52

Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 16:01

Thank you for this . I was starting to think I was asking too much .
he pays maintenance monthly but he made this clear that this is to pay for everything ( clothes , school uniform , school trips , school laptops etc. and no more which I have never asked for more .

Show quote history

He is right

liveforsummer · 20/07/2023 16:49

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

I know, right! So many woman actually defending this shit. The mum who has to plan her entire life and work round her dc and available childcare and and the dad who fits them in around his shifts with no responsibility outside of that one day a week and he gets to sit there while they are brought to him and collected every single week for years and other mums think this is fair. FFS! 🙄

DinoMummsy · 20/07/2023 16:41

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Yep, agree with above. There definitely seems to be a very low bar set for fathers. Got to love how some people just assume everything is automatically the Mum's responsibility, whereas any minimal effort made by the Dad is seen as wonderful. Smh 🙄 I can certainly see why he's an ex - he sounds lazy and entitled.

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 16:01

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Thank you for this . I was starting to think I was asking too much .
he pays maintenance monthly but he made this clear that this is to pay for everything ( clothes , school uniform , school trips , school laptops etc. and no more which I have never asked for more .

OP posts:
FuckNuggets · 20/07/2023 15:56

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Absolutely this!

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 14:10

Thank you everyone for your opinions it’s helped me look at the situation a different way

OP posts:
Dotjones · 20/07/2023 14:07

If he'd moved an hour away would you happily have continued to do all the dropoffs and pickups or would you have felt that he had the responsibility because he'd chosen to move?

MaxwellCat · 20/07/2023 14:02

If he had moved you would be told he should be doing all the collecting and dropping off. He would also be told he shouldn't have had a new baby if it meant he wouldn't be able to collect his other kids....

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 14:00

Is there a bus or a train?

ModestMoon · 20/07/2023 13:52

You moved, so you should do the drive. Its only every other week. Yes it sucks but it's not your kid's fault that you moved and had a baby with someone else.

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:37

Does he pay regular child maintenance?

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:37

Flatandhappy · 20/07/2023 13:25

I totally get why it’s hard for you so not unsympathetic but unfortunately yes, you moved further away so it’s on you. In an ideal world you would have a reasonable ex who would be nice and share the load but if you don’t then it would generally be seen that moving was your choice. In a court situation the person who moves would usually be expected to do the driving.

Just not true. And, even when they were 20 mins away, he didn't do any pick ups.

PizzaPastaWine · 20/07/2023 13:36

Is public transport an option?

Loverofoxbowlakes · 20/07/2023 13:36

You moved further away and chose to have another baby. He does NOT have to make changes to accommodate your choices.

He sees the dc 26 times a year, I think you can manage that drive. Think of it as a great opportunity to have a captive audience with the dc - talk about school, friends, homework, listen to an audio book etc.

Flatandhappy · 20/07/2023 13:25

I totally get why it’s hard for you so not unsympathetic but unfortunately yes, you moved further away so it’s on you. In an ideal world you would have a reasonable ex who would be nice and share the load but if you don’t then it would generally be seen that moving was your choice. In a court situation the person who moves would usually be expected to do the driving.

liveforsummer · 20/07/2023 13:23

Is it possible for them to get a bus? But tbh it's about time he stepped up. Arrange that he collect and you pick up therefore he can't just refuse to bring them home on a Sunday. If contact doesn't happen then that's his problem. You've made them available.

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 13:22

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:18

Do the children enjoy their time with him?

Do you want the break?

I don’t need the break no , I really enjoy being with my children especially now their older .
he doesn’t really do anything with them on the weekends he has them due to it being such a short time but he does make plans over holidays and they have a lot of fun then .

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:18

Do the children enjoy their time with him?

Do you want the break?