Selfish or standard

When I'm sick by DH treats me as he would like to be treated.

I prefer to be left alone and given time and space to recover in silence, whereas he will call into the bedroom with soup or a warm drink or flat 7Up, check if I'm OK, rub by forehead or hair (drives me mad!) and wait on me hand and foot, an update me on whether I look brighter or paler etc. Drives me bonkers.

When he is sick, I used to let him get on with it but now I tend to indulge him a little because he really likes it, bring him drinks, ask what he needs, fix the pillows, refill hot water bottle, check his temperature, flat 7Up on tap etc. It makes no difference to his recovery, if anything he prolonged it but it keeps him happy.

Thankfully neither of us are sick often so I can cope it with occasionally.

I don't know your circumstances and know life is complicated but if this level of selfishness is anything to go by you deserve better

Sadly yes.

Well, both DH and I subscribe to the theory that if you're sick enough to need to be in bed all day, that you need to be left alone to rest and recover. We would make sure the sick person had medicine,drinks and snacks available, and would bring up a small portion of the family meal, or a sandwich etc if we were going to be out over mealtime.

Regarding housework, neither of us would expect one person to suddenly be able to do the work of two people, so the expectation on both sides would be that the essentials were done, but anything non essential has to wait until it's two hands on deck again.

We would do it all with good grace and kindness though. Neither of us have the slightest time or sympathy for performative sickness, and we don't fluster and fuss.

My DH is lovely....he his very patient and caring ...Me not so much, I have a 24hour window of kindness then I turn into nurse Shite-ing-gale 😂

Mine is really lovely and will take on everything (with varying degrees of success). He’s not great at food planning or improvising meals so there’s always enquiries about what to do for tea but he will then cook it, sort out the kids and clean up. He’ll also hunt down anything I ask for and provide a constant stream of hot drinks. And he moves into the spare room so I can properly rest.

Last time I was sick. Like throwing up. He kicked his mum out, cleaned the entire bathroom because I don’t like sick. Brought me drinks regularly of water, checked in everytime I was being sick. Dealt with the children’s dinner and bedtime, did the washing up, washing, Then stayed awake all night rubbing my back while I flitted between hot cold and being sick.

DH is ok but seems incapable of putting on a washing, every time I’ve been unwell or in hospital the washing basket remains untouched.

His late father was the worst, truly selfish man. MIL was home recovering after a hip replacement, he left her with a flask of hot water and a couple of tea bags then fucked off to his beloved bowling club for 10 hours. She ended up soiling herself trying to get to the bathroom. Cunt.

This is nice. This is the way it should be.

The picture you’re painting of your DH in just a few posts is not good op. Do you do ‘everything’? If so, now is the time to nip that in the bud. Stop being a domestic martyr and insist on a team approach.

That is really terrible!

My ex used to be terrible, terrible if I was unwell. One of the reasons he is an ex.

Resented any extra he had to do, and any moment he wasn’t get his full value out of the “resource” that he saw me as. Would ideally (in his view” contrive to claim to be ill too. Or have far to much work on to do anything at all.

I have a chronic pain condition that regularly leaves me in bed or curled up On the sofa. 2 children who aren't my partners but he will make sure they are fed and do any running around if they want to go anywhere and any other general 'kid stuff'. He will make sure I'm fed and watered and will leave me to it if I ask him to but his preference would be to come and sit in bed with me and he will sit and play his xbox while I nap and fetch me meds, drinks etc if needed. He's not the best at the housework but he would at least do his best and make sure i don't get up to a kitchen of dirty plates. He's a lot more tolerant than me come to think of it 😅

Are you still married?! That's awful x

Do you mean how does he act of I'm ill enough to have to take to my bed? He looks after me like I would him. Tbh I think this is normal and anything else is not ok. Unless it's constant illness to avoid doing stuff!

He would leave me in bed in thye morning, maybe with a cup of tea then clear off and do whatever he wanted. He would then reappear maybe 7pm. If I complained he would advise he thought it best to leave me to recuperate.
I once broke my back and was bed bound. I had to put a message on Fb to ask any friend to ring him as he couldn't hear me shouting when I needed the loo.
Not sure you can beat that one.

I came home ill from work recently. He made me a hot chocolate and toast, then cooked supper (we have a 9yo).
He was great when I had cancer. It was 5 years ago but I don’t remember ever feeling I needed to do anything when I didn’t feel up to it.

My OH is great and does whatever needs doing,clean house,washing done etc.

A partner who I lived with before apart from DV ....would wake me up to tell me he was hungry and be all moody and nasty,house a pig sty

I suffer from debilitating migraines. The first one I had when I was sleeping over at his, he snuck out, bought blackout curtains, and screwed them to the wall by hand with pure brute force. He did it all without waking me up.

I don’t get quite the same level of care now that his attention primarily goes to our child and sometimes he does get stressed, but he absolutely just jumps in and handles things.

My most recent partner was so kind and would let me rest, make soup, lots of tea, change the bed. Anything to get me rested and well again.

The kids dad hated me being ill and was deliberately incompetent, naggy and critical of me. You cant supply a narcissists needs when you have had an operation. He would in my opinion become even more useless to tell me how much my being ill was making him suffer.

He shouldn't be snapping at everyone, but depending on the circumstances just having the bare bones done doesn't seem that bad? My DH works long hours, much longer than mine, and we have young kids. If I was incapacitated for a few days he'd be doing double the childcare/housework plus his normal working hours (he'd work later in the evening to make up for doing pick ups/drop offs etc), so I think I'd expect a messier house tbh.

My husband regularly sends me for a nap while he wrangles the kids. I do the same for him. When sick, he’s been known to appear at my bedside with a bottle of cough syrup, force me to take some (I’m whiny about icky tasting meds 🤣) and hovers over me if I come downstairs for something to eat or drink, offering to get it for me, and shoos kids away, “Mom’s sick, remember? She’s just getting something to drink, then heading straight back to bed.” He feels helpless when I’m sick, so coddling me and running the kids are things he can do. It’s sweet and kind of adorable, until it’s smothering and I have to remind him that I’m an adult and can decide for myself if I’m going back to bed or not 🤣