Mother in law issues - help!!

Ok

Not mums and their sons. This mum and this son. Sometimes women don't like their son's girlfriends. Sometimes they have good cause. Sometimes the mothers are unreasonable and behave badly, like in this situation. We shouldn't perpetuate the myth that it is commonplace for mothers to have unhealthy attachments to their children, making them jealous of their partners, just because those children are boys. It's very unfair to mothers of boys, and implies the OP is likely to encounter this sort of thing regularly, when it's actually pretty extreme.

Your partners mum comes across to me as being quietly controlling. Shame on your partner if he’s remotely questioning your relationship. As parents imo it’s our job to love our kids and be supportive of their choices. Not for us to pick who they can or cannot love! I think it was thoughtful of you to make food and honestly the cake thing wtf?! How is that even a thing. Your partner needs to rectify this and stand firm with his mother.

OK, so this is quite like my situation with my inlaws about 12 years ago. This sounds like it's all about control: everyone has to agree with everything all the time, and conflict is avoided but by the introduction of passive-aggressive bullying.

In contrast to those saying that the husband in these situations can't change, my DH actually did. He went from being stuck in fear, obligation and guilt to his parents to seeing what they were really like, putting the relationship on a bounded footing, and reducing contact. Admittedly, we had some fun and games along the way. There was the time his mother invited us to a party ostensibly as guests, and then gave me waiting clothes and told me to serve drinks to her friends without ever asking me if I was OK with that. There was the time when we begged her to get organised to leave the house before a certain hour because we had to be somewhere, and she refused, so we were stuck in a traffic jam that made a 3 hour journey into an 8 hour one, causing us to miss our event. There was the time when we were at a family wedding when she said "Do you realise now how STAID your wedding was?" (Our wedding was not what either of us wanted but something tremendously traumatic had happened that made our much nicer original plans impossible, so this was more deeply rude and offensive than it even sounds). She's basically an outrageous cow who has no friends because she's so AWFULLLLL!

Anyway, sorting it all out was a cumulative thing, and a process, and it took time and patience, and frankly if DH hadn't been as brilliant as he is I would have cut and run. But it can be done. I think an important thing to bear in mind is that the person who is going through it is essentially undergoing a grieving process. They're often themselves participants in the family narrative that everything is lovely and happy, and realising that actually they are actually victims of bullying and control can come as quite a shock, which entails a kind of loss.

Whether your partner is worth all this trouble is very much up to you!

If you’re ever considering in the future starting a family with this guy then you really need to make sure he’s got your back and not just going to bend to his mother over everything. It’s quite easy to maintain a distance as you have been doing when you’re just two adults together but as soon as kids come then you’ll likely inevitably be expected to see more of them and then the cracks (and digs) will deepen especially if it’s a clash of values and “ways of doing things”.

Ultimately only you know if it’s something you can deal with (your MIL is unlikely to change and now she’s “snapped” once I don’t see why she won’t continue her point checking of you) so can you actually be a part of this family, or would you rather have in-laws who you can socialise with freely and easily?

I don't like other people cooking in my kitchen at all. I find it a pain in the arse, you can't relax because every 5 minutes you have to get up and show them where to find things, or explain how to use something, and they do things like chop onions on the wooden breadboard so my toast tastes of onions for days afterwards. And no-one treats my much loved knives with the same tender care as I do!

I'm 67, but it's not an age thing, I've been like it since I was in my 20s.

I had trouble with my mother-in-law, whose only stock in trade was being the perfect housewife. She made it clear she preferred my husband’s previous girl friend. This ex married my husband’s brother and guess what? They abandoned his parents completely, didn’t even attend their funerals. Stay cool and remember that ( as someone told me ) Christians will always let you down. They simply ( not all of them of course) cannot live up to the standards set by Jesus Christ. Your mother-in-law may have a self esteem problem which makes her act in this ridiculous way.

Utter rubbish.

If they genuinely cared about their son, they would be doing their best to be accommodating and supportive of his relationships and not imposing their strict routines on a guest. That’s very poor hosting!

The OP says they’re very religious Christians which doesn’t surprise me as the one’s I’ve met like that often have very fixed black and white views about things and are not good on compromise. They genuinely believe they are morally superior and therefore their way of living is divinely inspired and 100% correct. They’d also prefer that their son has a relationship with someone linked to their church. These are not people that can admit to making mistakes very easily, if at all.

You put this much more eloquently than I ever could, thank you!

the OP’s boyfriend crying doesn’t make him a wet blanket and it doesn’t mean that he won’t stand up for her.

@PinkIcedCream also great post and I'm one of them.. Very lc now

@captainmarvella great post

I agree, I have no issues if anyone wants to cook in my kitchen, and feed me, they want to sweat and slog over the stove while I wait in the air conditioned lounge, reading a book and drooling at the imminent grubs - they are most welcome to! I have no idea why anyone would even get offended at the prospect of someone - not a stranger, but someone who knows what they are doing, otherwise they would not have offered to cook - . I guess possibly this is cultural (I am Indian - our kitchens usually are like communal places)

Anyway I agree that OP should not apologize or change who she is, even to maintain peace. And I am all about maintaining peace, but even I draw the line here. This family is super wrong for the kind of person OP is, and it's best to take an executive decision so to speak now itself, than later. She has done nothing wrong, and trying to be kind and accommodating to a dysfunctional family and a problematic possible MIL is a waste of time and bandwidth.

I am also very annoyed at her boyfriend for dumping all this drama on her head and making her deal with it. I don't care if he cries, everyone has the right to cry, but he could have chosen to deal with this like the adult he is and did not run to OP telling her about what his Mom thinks of her and thus revealing his true nature - when it is about his parents, he does not have the maturity to resolve issues on his own, or choose the right healthy decisions, or set the right boundaries. All he will do is pass the buck and make it other people's problem.

Yes, it does look like long term parental abuse situation here, I am quite sympathetic to it as I recognize the signs quite clearly (I come from a dysfunctional family too), but it's not OP's job to be his friend confident mentor savior, she was not put on earth to do that. She can be, if she loves him and wants this unenviable job of untangling decades and conditioning and carrying such a emotionally taxing job (for possibly years), but she can just say no and choose a better life.

My Mum is 78 (born during WW2) and the most laid back woman you could ever meet! Far less traditional than I am! It's definitely not a generational thing, it's just a personality thing. Some people are just pompous! Some people are simply more traditional than others 🤷🏼‍♀️

Gosh, they sound awful! My in laws were elderly (only MIL left now) and very traditional. Never drank much, their idea of 'fun' would be a game of cards, and they were definitely of the three meals a day at set times school of thought. I think it's just a thing for a lot of that generation.

MIL would be horrified if she knew how and when I eat, and all sorts of aspects of our lives. She's too old now to feed people but used to love it, and probably would have hated anyone else cooking in her kitchen. (Actually not sure I'd like anyone in mine either.....?). She comes to us now.

BUT - she would never complain to DH that I hadn't eaten her cake, or that I'd done those other things. She and I have occasionally had a bit of a ding dong but I don't believe she has ever criticised me to DH. If she has he hasn't told me - and he is quite a Mummy's boy and thinks the world of her (she is mostly fab)! If I really upset her he would be upset and would talk to me to see if we could resolve things - but he certainly wouldn't cry about it, and he would accept it if I was adamant I was in the right.

I think your potential MIL sounds very hard work - she can't be more traditional and set in her ways than mine, so why is she so judgemental? As PPs have said I think it sounds as if she can't bear to let go of her DS......which is a problem. Will she be one of those MILs who phones up all the time with a problem DH needs to fix etc? Be very wary.....

If you really want to put things right then I'd try and have a chat with her - or even send flowers and explain your family do things differently and you meant no offence. You shouldn't have to - but if you want keep this relationship on an even keel then maybe swallow your pride? But they sound miserable - don't visit any more than you have to, and stay in a hotel if you can.....

Yikes. What kind of person says that to their son. You smile, nod and hope they have chosen the right partner.

If makes you feel better she may just be one of those judgemental negative types who sounds a bit territorial over her kitchen. Iv a relative who is the same, you can't do right for wrong. You offer to help a million times and they say no, so you don't offer then you are the laziest person in the world. They never open their mouth to ask you to do something, you should just know and then get slagged off to all and sundry about your laziness. Luckily most people know what they are like and they roll their eyes

Don’t worry about the mil, worry about the boyfriend. He should be supporting you. I have three adult sons, all married and I am far too wise to criticise their wives! That’s how it should be.
You did nothing wrong. Sounds like they showed little interest in you and didn’t understand you were trying to help them.

Of it! Proceed with caution.

I’ve had this for 16 years with my mil. I questioned myself for years, is it me, how can I make it better, would get upset after every visit. I usually get along with most people and found it all very draining and would think about it for weeks after.
I would say don’t go there. My partner was always supportive but even then I found it all hard to deal with.
I’m older and wiser now and I am the friendliest most welcoming person when they visit. They literally have nothing to complain about and when they are difficult I ignore it, but there has to be boundaries, and if those are crossed my husband addresses it and I stay out

Honestly, I would end this relationship now. I spent 20 years wondering what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t good enough, why I could never connect with my in-laws. I was constantly on edge when I was around them because something just felt off. It took a huge toll on my MH and I’d ruminate for days after seeing them. My husband was like a different person in their presence and would often blame me for why they weren’t close like I was with my parents. It was exhausting and I felt my husband gaslit me if I tried to explain why I felt uncomfortable in their presence.
After years of trying to work out what was wrong with my MIL I stumbled upon something online about covert narcissism- it was her to a T.
It was the most liberating, validating thing ever. We are now very low contact which is so much easier and my husband is so much happier with this arrangement too. BUT, I will say, he has massively struggled with being a father due to the effects of living with the FOG and narcissistic abuse he went through as a child. I love him to bits but I think I might have chosen someone who grew up in a stable, loving family unit and whose parents could be loving and nurturing towards their grandchildren. I would love to have pIL who we could have a genuine, mutually respectful relationship with.

Honestly, she sounds a bit crazy

what type of woman tears apart her son’s partner? Even if they hate you, they should hold back their opinions if they see their son happy. Be supportive of his life and partner choices. Not reduce him to tears

toxic family!

Oh and just to add about the crying, it is absolutely normal for anyone who has suffered years of emotional abuse from parents. These people are meant to protect you but are in fact the very ones making you miserable.
My DH had depression and anxiety from being bullied as a child and his parents allowed it to go on for so long it’s scarred him for life. If it wasn’t the classroom bullies, it was his own parents. Imagine the constant nagging and disapproval about everything you donand just when you are happy and hope you have eventually done something to make them proud, they start on about your new partner. Nothing is off limits with them. If it was me I’d be crying too. And yes it’s easy to say ‘just stand up to them or go NC’. It shows what a good heart someone has if they go through all that and still want to keep a relationship alive because looking after your parents is the ‘right thing to do’

I’ve seen this with an ex-friend who is a socio narcissist. She tried so hard to play her adult kids. They stood up to her and now she doesn’t see them. Do not understand parents who do this. We want our children to grow and thrive. Unless, of course they’re in an abusive relationship. Other than that, it’s none of our business! We have to do our best to get on with the partner they choose.

He sounds like a wet blanket without a backbone if he cried and did nothing to stand up for you

I'd find that very unattractive personally and it sounds like he actually listens to his mother's opinions on his relationships

That would be a no from me I'm afraid

Imagine 5 years down the line and you have a big row and he goes there for the night to get away....
A good Mil would ask him what he did that was so bad to get him kicked out!!

She'd probably try and tell him she knew all along etc.... Blah blah...

I'd cut the apron strings myself and leave that one alone.

As hard as it is, unless he has your back now... He never will xx

Welcome to your new life OP!

I could have written this myself, my in laws are exactly the same, very traditional, strong opinions, over 10 years older than my parents, nothing in common, they have no friends, no hobbies or social life. Just miserable people.
They too (MIL really) have had my DH in tears over the years with harsh words, strong opinions and lack of support. It started from the get go but really ramped up when we bought our first home together and they asked for copies of contracts showing I wouldn’t touch his part of the deposit. You can imagine how thrilled they were when we announced our engagement and first child. Nothing is ever good enough for them. I wouldn’t mind if it was with my DH’s best interests at heart but honestly they don’t seem to even want the best for him anyway.

The only advice I can give is, do not suck up to them as they will know what they can get away with and get worse. However don’t put up defences either as that will look like you are wanting to create a bigger issue than needed and they will think they are justified. Just smile at the right times, stay silent at all visits and bite your tongue as best you can. Let your partner see their ways without you having to say anything. It’s hard work and there are times I thought it might break us but we are stronger than they are. Plus we moved 60 miles away after 10 years and life is much more manageable 😁