Struggling with DIL

I have one like this! I just smile and tolerate it for the sake of my ds and gc!

Agreed. As a DiL I'm in the same position in relation to DH's/DC's relationship with the in-laws. On more than one occasion my MiL visited my home and refused even to speak to me. The latest occasion was the last time: I don't have to tolerate this.

I therefore understand entirely where OP is coming from on the subject of unnecessary rudeness. In those circumstances, I'd simply keep a civilized distance

Incidentally, my in-laws have never given us a single penny but it's never occurred to me to mind, or even much notice. I neither want nor need their money. This is not a basis on which to cut off a grandparent's relationship with their grandchildren.

@SoShallINever

i wouldn’t give a load of my money to people who are rude and disrespectful towards me
you may be happy to be a doormat to your family but not everyone is

If it was me I would worry about the stability of their relationship and would not offer any money. They should work for it and give their money to the grandchildren like she said. If they stop talking to her over the money then you know what their true intentions are and her son said he understands.

I think there is a lot going on here and faults on both sides.

OP is disappointed her son had a baby with a much older woman. OP has very old fashioned views - the thanks for the baby present should come from the mother, her son is a superhero for spending a few hours with his baby. Babysitting and vista are managed by the women.

So on side you have a moody rude new mother and on the other side a MIL who is stuck in the 1950s. A recipe for disaster!

@Offyoupoplove

urghhh op doesn’t have to love her, FFS

@DaphneduM

“Are you the type of people who like to be in control, OP? It does sound like that is the case.”

i think Op is just the type of person who likes to be treat rudely.
you may be happy to be a doormat to your family but that doesn’t mean everyone has to

Typical Mumsnet. One post in and already trying to blame the man. 🙄

at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

That makes me sad for you and your husband because you come across as lovely and caring. I really hope for you that it improves.

So both parents don't work have jobs. I missed that admission.

I think the money is better off going towards their grandchildren. The two of them need to get their acts together rather than rely on family to bail them out. They need to go to WORK.

Who's party was it? If it was hers, she must like you a bit to have invited you. If it was for your grandchild, then the thanks would surely come from your son ?

You sound like a lovely mil by the way. But I could see how lack of sleep/post natal depression could lead to not saying thanks for tea/expecting your son to look after you at the party.

Just keep loving her. Ask her what she would value, listen to her when she does talk. Don’t force it. Being a consistent, caring presence will bear fruit.

Holy shit. You are willing to withhold money that you had previously allocated to your DS, over a stupid argument

Having an illness does not give anyone the right to behave badly. She was fine with her friends at the party she can function when she wants to. I grew up with a parent like that turn it on and off when they want.

She was asking him what was wrong and whether they did anything wrong. It was his answer that was strange he didn't have to say anything personal only that everything is okay. He is becoming her enabler.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff basically said everything I was going to say but better...

I wouldn't recommend withdrawing contact/offers. She sounds very unhappy - whether that is due to circumstance (unexpected pregnancy, feeling judged by in laws) or due to mental illness (which seems to be not well controlled currently, and may be contributed to by the stress of motherhood). Any unhappiness about her DP probably gets projected onto you.

But your relationship with your grandchild will be become less dependent on her over time. I can't stand my MIL - long terms issues. DH has taken her and put eldest out to lunch - their relationship doesn't require my presence. The same will apply to you soon enough.

I had PND and was still well-mannered towards my PIL, they however, showed little interest in me as a DIL. I am treated differently to our children and their son. You sound like a caring MIL and it would have been nice to have supportive ones like you.

This. I'm not trying to pile-on, OP, but sometimes when someone rubs us the wrong way we can start imputing all these evil intentions on innocuous things like not drinking a cup of tea or being busy at a kids' party. I'm guilty of this myself!

Dial down the drama, stop talking to other people about her, offer her some grace and make a little respectful space for now.

The grandparents who offered a house deposit and then withdrew it because they felt snubbed at a party----is that who you want to be?

The OP and her husband do not need to hand over any money to their son and DIL. Its their money. Nobody else is entitled to it. Believe you me if the DIL or son was writing on here about it they would 100% be torn apart for being entitled. You do not hand over money to someone who cannot even bring themselves to say hello to you. Blows my mind that it needs pointing out tbh. It makes a refreshing change to see an OP not tolerate games. More people need to do it. It baffles me that some posters are encouraging her to hand over the money. I wonder if its because she's the MIL?

'Letting' her? She's a grown adult, not a child under his supervision. Her behaviour is not his responsibility, nor is the expectation that he should fix it.

You can bet your boots if a female family member were complaining about the behaviour of a male family member (that includes his wife), every excuse under the sun will be made to exonerate him. 'Perhaps he has depression' is a common one to account for even egregiously abusive behaviour. On this occasion, it does actually sound as though the woman does have mental health issues.

Another common MN response is to blame the woman for being a poor chooser. 'Why on earth did you have children with this loser?' is a common protestation. Whereas here, to quote a PP above, it's 'POOR son, he's picked a charmer there!'

Funny how poor behaviour which in men gets a free pass provokes the utmost censure when women happen to be the culprit.

Exactly. That poster is projecting her own issues and it’s a bit weird writing a reply from the DiL 🤣🤣🤣

“What some people do in that case is withdraw, they may seem calm, but believe that its better to keep conversation to a minimum so as not to provoke or cause further conflict, or to be hurt by perceived disapproval. She might actually not be trying to be rude but is quite wary of you.”

This!!
The in-law dynamic is actually really hard to navigate if you’re the outsider coming into the family and you strongly suspect you’re not approved of. You can’t be yourself, because you’re pretty sure they won’t like that, and putting on a front becomes really exhausting. It becomes easier to say as little as possible, then you have less chance of getting it wrong.

There’s also the possibility that what looks like stand-offishness is actually fear of seeming over-familiar: if you feel like your in-laws don’t like you, the last thing you want is to appear presumptuous enough to feel like they do. Again, it’s a natural reaction to withdraw in that situation.

It sounds like your son was led by his dick and said dick wasn’t wearing a rain jacket before he really knew this woman.

Yep.

serious, not series

You sound cantankerous you don't know these people but yet you claim to know their full story. What happened in your life to make you feel that way?