Struggling with DIL

Is she not allowed to privately confide In her partner without it being broadcast to wide family?

Separating a mother with mental health difficulties from her baby?

Just read your update OP. 'he is not allowed to discuss her feelings'? Your poor son.

Yeah, that’s the price for her to be polite and not ignore her husbands parents.

You CAN retract the offer of money. Wait until you see she has effective remedies for her mental ill health. if she is bipolar it can take a long time before the correct meds are prescribed. I hope your DS is able to persuade her to meet a psychiatrist not just a counsellor.

Why should the OP offer anything to the rude DIL? She's making her own bed by her behaviour, let her lie on it.

What's to struggle about with one baby? People on here always try to makes excuses for female poor behaviour, the DIL sounds very rude.

It is possible that you have been trying too hard - with the best possible reasons as you wanted to make her feel at ease, but for some people that can feel pressurising and too much. I would just cool it when you do see her, and not initiate anything like visits or meeting up. Let her come to you in her own time, if she does at all.

Having said that, there is little if any excuse for outright rudeness. She seems like a 39 year old acting like a truculent teenager. I would tell your DS that you and your DH are upset by her boorishness, and leave it at that for him to sort out. Time will find a way hopefully for you to know your grandchild.

It's really weird that you didn't mention the fact she has bipolar disorder in your first post.

YABU, OP. Making major life decisions such as whether or not to give your son money to buy a house based on things like your DIL not drinking a cup of tea you made is extremely petty and you're going to destroy your relationship with your son over all this. Your choice though.

I think, bearing this in mind and the fact that the relationship is likely to not last, keep the money back for when your DS needs it. That way he won’t lose half.

TBH I can't see much reason for complete rudeness.
I say this as a DIL with significant MH issues. Since having my DS I've sort of leaned into my MIL and FIL, I've found their love for him has healed a lot of the stuff I've struggled to accept from then, behaviour wise towards my DH and myself.

I think in your shoes, I'd offer a bit of support a few times and if it doesn't change, I'd probably ask that your son pops around with the grandchild when he's having one of his outings so she can rest, so you can bond with your grandchild without the sour atmosphere.

Indeed. And if I were DiL, I would, and do. I don't get involved in the relationship DH and DC have with the in-laws at all, and I've every reason to believe it suits everyone (and it's better for DC not to have to witness Grandma openly treating Mummy like shit).

There are others who might justifiably reason that you don't get to ostracize the mother and be rewarded by a relationship with her children without her presence.

This is not necessarily my view, but it's a view I've seen expressed many times on this site. The upshot is, that unfortunate as it might seem, the children's mother holds all the cards here. From OP's perspective the DiL is certainly rude. From DiL's perspective, OP might have been rude to her and she's responded in kind: who can know what her motivation is if she's not saying?

The issue here is that a schism is already opening up. OP can choose to complete that breach, or to take a step back and try to heal it. Always bearing in mind that unnecessary rudeness is not okay, but that DiL is not mentally well and might ultimately resent this as a factor that's exacerbated that condition.

For now, it really is best left.

Rather than hinting that she's an older woman who used your DS to have a baby - you could see that as someone who has had an entire life before falling pregnant quickly. It means she's more likely to be suffering with PND. Plus her and your DS are still working out their relationship as a couple and their relationship as parents. Her relationship with you and your DH won't be top of her priorities atm.
If you think in terms of circles of support then the baby is at the centre, then the mother then the father, you and your DH are in the outer rims. I can see that it's upsetting not to get an acknowledgement or thank you - but to rethink loaning or gifting money because of a lack of social niceties - when you know she is struggling with her MH - seems petty in the extreme. It also makes it seem as though you infantilise your DS, don't hold him to the same standard (or did he say thank you but you wanted a personal thank you from her too?) and don't trust his decision making.

Exactly. Some plausible excuse can be given. Pending job loss (or fear of), etc.

I wouldn't.

Just tell them that upon review it would jeopardize your old-age care.

Are they married, OP?

Yes you can and should retract it. Because when this falls apart and the house is sold this madam will get most of it. At this stage the more you give the worse she’ll behave and the more she’ll take

Why does DIL have to attend, she might appreciate the peace for a few hours.

@SadMil

This formal visiting with grandparents is very out of date. My parents and in-laws took the children away regularly.

This is not good advice at all. It's tantamount to an ultimatum. People in general do not tend to respond well to this.

If they decide - as they might reasonably do - that the family comes as a package, and that either they visit as a family or no one comes at all, what then?

Quite enough harm has been done for the time being. IMO, OP would be better advised to let the dust settle for a bit.

I also commend OP's son for refusing to discuss matters his wife has confided in him in private.

I find this attitude really baffling.
Only on MN have I heard of saying thank you for a gift or something nice be a massive chore that should only be done by the person belonging to the family who did it.
I think you need to be honest with your DS. Tell him how you feel and that you need to know if you've done something wrong or upset her in some way.

She sounds bloody awful your son must be miserable. Being depressed isn’t an excuse to be rude.

I would ask my son to visit with my grandchild and without Dil.

"It's easy to get carried away on Mumsnet threads when people are telling you what you want to hear, but this is about your family and only you know absolutely the intricacies of it - I think you have been too hasty OP. You should have reflected much longer on this series issue before acting."

The person who said this is very wise. It strikes me as a bit ludicrous that you posted to ask if you should back off a bit in your op and then a day in a few pushy posts on Mumsnet seem to lead you to phone up and withdraw your offer of helping them financially on the back of your taking offense at the slights you list above. I'm not saying you should have to give them any money, but it seems inflammatory to do this so suddenly on the back of what you describe with no more information about what might be going on. You also made it directly about your offense of her behaviour, so you are using the money as a punishment. You could have simply said you needed to pause or circumstances had changed if you didn't want to gift it. To do this without even finding out if there is an issue or speaking to her, makes it all about her, but you don't really know what the situation is with her. If she does have PND as you said you would understand if so, how on earth is this helping? Surely it's the opposite of understanding or supportive.

Surely a bit less haste and a bit more patience would have been better than to just put in an update to Mumsnet and feeding the drama. (Or creating a drama where there may not have even been one).

I despair at comments like this. Why does the son in question not know how to use a condom? They really are very simple to use.