Struggling with DIL

After suffering similar problems with my dd (pnd) I stepped back and Said I’m here if you need me and left them to it. After a few weeks things started to get a little better.
my dd has got the meds she needed and is a lot better now .
tbh half of the problem was she wouldn’t accept that she had something wrong or needed help.

I act the same way around my MIL because I just don’t have anything to say to her anymore.
She will gift things and then expect all the thank you’s to come from me. She will see me running around without saying a word to her son, but anything to do with the household or children she defers to me even though I work more hours than my husband … it seems I’m expected to do everything.
Any conversation I start she uses an excuse to start monologing about how it was for her. Any decision I made is passively aggressively critiqued.

Day to day have you looked at your own behaviour? Are you sexist towards her expecting her to do everything even just in the way you talk?

It is telling you expect a thank you from her but have said nothing whether your own son was pleased or said thank you?

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

I would reduce the deposit you were offering for the house but still give them something (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?). Then I would agree to give them the rest monthly (or a smaller sum monthly and some in an account for your grandchild) so long as you’re able to see your grandchild 3-4 times a month even just with your son?! That should motivate the contact and allow you to build a relationship without bringing her into it. As I tell my husband his Mum needs to build a relationship with the grandchildren, and not think everything she does is a favour to me.

From my side the amount of stress my mil causes has been a real downside of having a family.

Take 5 mins, drinking a cuppa tea and read what you wrote again. None of it makes any sense.

OP has not asked for a written note, just basic acknowledgment and thanks for the gift and I’m sure that’s a normal expectation unless you think that’s unreasonable?

Are you saying greet your guests is also unrealistic? Your in laws come to your place and you ignore them? And yes it’s your job as a host to sit and chat with all your guest not just focus on your friends and ignore some. Yes I grew you probably will not spend equal time with everyone but surely you would acknowledge and at least say hello, are you ok, want anything to drink etc or is that expecting DIL to be a maid?

Yes granddad has every right to keep his money from someone who doesn’t even have the basic decency and politeness to say hello, who wants to have nothing to do with them and keep them at arms length but doesn’t mind taking money from them. Classic.

Nothing to do with them apart from the OPs post where she mentions the most recent visit from son and DIL and baby?

"they popped in yesterday"

"Lol"

"DIL is expected to sit and chat"? Oh ffs! You're saying that as if it's abnormal. Don't we all sit and chat when we visit/have visitors? Otherwise why invite people/go visiting? Mumsnet is really another universe sometimes. I also haven't seen OP post anything about expecting a handwritten thank you card, where did she say that? Or that she was 'expected' to do all the hosting. Stop making things up.

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Some sufferers answering questions.

I wonder what her side of the story would be? I certainly think it’s fairly common for grandparents to expect effort to come from the female in the relationship. So DIL is expected to sit and chat, expected to write thank you cards, expected to do all the hosting etc. did your son greet you? Did he thank you for the gift? Does he chat when you pop round? Do you contact your son or DIL to see the child? It’s difficult to know without both sides of the story, some of it sounds rude but it’s also really annoying when your IL have a higher bar for you than for their own child

Haha nice way to minimize very rude childish behavior. Really saying hello to your in laws is now being made a fuss of and saying thanks for the present is asking for heaven and earth lol.

I guess you’re the DIL lol.

Yes granddad has every right to keep his money from someone who doesn’t even have the basic decency and politeness to say hello, who wants to have nothing to do with them and keep them at arms length but doesn’t mind taking money from them. Classic.

Get a life .

Bipolar disorder. The OP has posted about the DILs diagnosis.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms/

Well of course if you were on your own with a newborn, after a c-section, you'd need help, that's a no brainer. My "helpful" DP was gone before baby was 1 year old, I have nothing to do with MIL now. I'll have a read of your other thread.

As for OPs DIL, I think an adult of nearly 40, regardless of anxiety, depression, shyness etc who can't say hello or thank you is just downright rude. There is no excuse for it whatsoever.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad

Does she need to come over or have anything to do with you - could your son bring the child and she can stay at home or do something else.

Your grandchild is the interesting person here, not your DIL. And she sounds rude - I'd be happier not having to see her as long as your son still brings your grandchild over.

I didn't ever tell my own parents about relationship issues (maybe I should have done though!) I would confide in a close friend. Family to me feels inappropriate as they are too invested

Haha, what a twist. You've conveniently missed out

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

What on earth made you think it was just those two things you mentioned. Always best to RTFT.

Have you mentioned anything to her (or to your son, which he repeated) about her age? Or would she have overheard a comment? Sounds very clear to me that you have insulted her (about this or something else) and she is stewing. She is also exhausted, mentally at the end of her rope, and perhaps in general feeling judged. As for the gift, my in laws are always giving us tons of gifts we don’t need, not our style, and then I have the work of finding a place for them and writing endless thank you notes. It’s exhausting. Your DIL’s situation sounds very similar to mine, though I didn’t fall pregnant for three years so the relationship was established. I adore my parents in law now, but at the beginning the overstepping and generational difficulties was a lot for sleep deprived me to handle and I’m afraid sometimes ignoring the pils was my only way to cope so as not to say something I’d regret. The advice I didn’t agree with, the nonstop items given, and the putting hands all over my baby (post partum anxiety and depression nobody noticed or got me help for??) all contributed. As the baby got older things evened out all around and we are all closer now and the relationships are healthy. Hang in there and be as much of a help as you can without overstepping. BTW we have the same age difference (me older) and have been happily married for 15 years now. I also think it’s unfair to suggest she used your son for a baby. He’s an adult and had full participation in the matter. If she’s so attractive presumably she could have found a man to have a baby with anywhere. She and your son chose each other.

Yeah, we don't use money to control people. We don't offer money with conditions.

On the contrary, kudos to the son for respecting the confidence of his partner. On what account does his mother have right of access to information about her medical status, or her private feelings that she might have communicated to her partner with a reasonable expectation of her confidence being respected?

DiL has made it clear she does not want this talked about, and OP's attitude towards her is beginning to make it clear why. The judgmental attitude conveyed in later updates toward DiL's possible motivation for hooking up with son, having a child so quickly, and possible financial implications makes it absolutely clear why MiL is not remotely in this woman's confidence.

DiL might not be aware of the sum total of MiL's disapproval of her, but you can bet she will on some level have registered that disapproval. This is also a woman struggling with mental health issues and possible PND. In those situations, the judgement of others can exacerbate those conditions and make the sufferer feel worse than they already do.

Perhaps this is getting to the rub of why OP experiences DiL's behaviour as rude.

@Olive19741205 very good question! he walked out when I was 8m pregnant so I definitely needed help post c sections- one of the reasons I would have liked more help vs being a host when ex mil came over (if my son ever does that to a pregnant woman I would do everything I possibly could to help her) see my post 'AIBU to reduce contact with ex mil' for more info if you're interested in knowing more but sorry oP I think I have derailed from your post.

In terms of OP post it's so hard to know if she is coercive/controlling or rude or it's her mental health and she's shy etc. but I think the only thing to do in these situations is be kind and open to your son, helpful to her if you can but have low expectations of what you get back. Therefore there's no amunition to help alienation if that's what's going on, and also you won't make her feel
Worse and both of them resent you if she's genuinely struggling

We have just spoken to him on the phone and had a frank conversation. We’ve told him how we feel and asked him if there’s any reason for her behaviour. He has said he is not allowed to discuss her feelings with us.
We have told him we are no longer gifting the money as we are uncomfortable with this. He is disappointed but understands.

I’m not sure this was wise, though you’re clearly feeling hurt. You’ve made the gift sound as though it now has conditions attached, a bit controlling even if that wasn’t your intention. I would tell them your circumstances have changed and it’s not a good time for you to make the gift, but you’re available to support them in whatever other way will be helpful to them both. Put the ball in their court.

FWIW that comment about not discussing her with you suggests your DS has been coming to you for sympathy when things between them are difficult, which may feel like a betrayal. I think she’s deflecting her resentment towards him onto you.

Is that how it works in your family? All money dependent?

Where was your DH/DP? It's not that nobody 'helped' me, I'm sure they would if I'd asked. DP was able to manage a few chores round the house while I recovered. A medal? What for? Looking after my child and taking it easy for a couple of weeks? Hardly.

Maybe she just doesn’t like you? Why wasn’t your son looking after you at the party and thanking you for the gift? Did you ask what to get as a gift? Not everyone wants a homemade gift, it’s just something that’s going to clutter up their house and they’ll never be able to get rid of it because grandad made it. She’s giving off strong leave me alone vibes, maybe stop expecting her to act the doting DIL?

Unexpectedlysinglemum this is not the wide family it is his parents. My DD tells me in confidence about SiL issues and to gain my insight. I am a sounding board and shoulder to lean on if she needs to blow off steam. In the OPs case her DiL displays some coercive traits and appears to be a controlling personality based on what has been posted.

She's probably picked up that OP has the measure of her and can see straight through her.

Yes when my baby was three weeks old I didn't want anyone taking him
Out away from me just so they could spent time with him (not to give me a break) if you want to give a mother a break then chores are the best way to help. I also had a c section- I could barely get in and out of bed unassisted for first 10 days or so. If you can and want to do chores after major abdominal surgery that's up to you would you like a certificate or medal for this? Just because no one helped you you begrudge my lovely friends and family helping me? (I also had no partner btw)

I always feel like offers of 'help' from my Ex'a mum involve taking baby away from me, which I don't want, but help from my friends and own family is chores or meals which makes me feel like they care about ME and me bonding with my baby, which of course makes me more keen to have them over than exMIL who expects me to entertain her and make her coffee etc

So your ex-mil offered to take baby for you to give you a break but you're bitching and moaning about making her a coffee?

My mother managed to raise 6 of us without anyone coming in and doing the housework for her. I understand in the early days of a newborn, people bringing food or helping with some chores would be useful but we all just got on with it when we had kids. I'm only in my 40's so not that long ago. I had a section with one of mine and didn't need anyone to do my chores.