Page 22 | Struggling with DIL

SadMil · 2023-07-16T08:20:07+00:00

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude. I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive. She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed. I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods. my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you. Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it. I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated. This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad. should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 16:02

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:53

It's your advocating for OP to keep the money coming that's dreadful. By all means cut contact with your pain in the arse MIL but don't continue to take handouts.

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We don’t get anything from the PiL except time with their grandchildren (not babysitting) who obviously enjoy it. That’s enough.
If she has money as leverage then it should be gifted in consideration of her son and grandchild not withheld to spite the DIL. How does that help anyone?
reducing it and giving them a monthly contribution is likely to keep the contact going when it could so easily be withdrawn.
If I had a DIL like that I would be upset but try to work around it to maintain contact. I’ve been on the other end of it and sometimes you just don’t get on.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 15:59

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 15:56

Everyone is assuming the DIL is "expecting a handout" from the OP but we have no proof of this. OP didn't say they asked for money, or expected money from them. OP said they OFFERED money. So it appears the only reason they might be "expecting" money is because OP herself told them she would be giving it. DIL specifically could not even want this money.

Yes I agree!

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:57

Iamtheonwandlonely · 16/07/2023 15:54

The Dil is nearly 40,if the op upset her somehow the adult thing is to sit down and discuss it.
Not ignore the op and expect a handout.
You're not going to get on with everyone and we've all had a foot in mouth moment.
Plus the Dil is the one keeping the bad feeling going.
You get what you sew.

Where was it said that she's expecting a handout?

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 15:56

Everyone is assuming the DIL is "expecting a handout" from the OP but we have no proof of this. OP didn't say they asked for money, or expected money from them. OP said they OFFERED money. So it appears the only reason they might be "expecting" money is because OP herself told them she would be giving it. DIL specifically could not even want this money.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:55

11oclockrock · 16/07/2023 15:54

What stands out to me is that the son and DILs relationship doesn't sound healthy - her moods, she's controlling what he can say on the phone.

Given the short time they've been together and the challenges they have had I wouldn't expect them to stay together in the long run.

Therefore no way would I be gifting deposit at this time. Perhaps when son is older, if they do break up, so he can buy somewhere for himself and GC.

I would advise OP to try and see son and GC on their own and give DIL her space as she sounds quite unwell.

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

She's literally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar and JAAQ

Get answers to over 150 questions about bipolar at the click of a button...

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

sunshinesupermum · 16/07/2023 15:55

My partner suffers from bipolar and has had treatment for it. Without DiL getting a diagnosis we are all speculating. However there is no way he would ever act at a child's birthday party the way DiL had done here ie interact with all her friends while not saying a word to the grandparents who had put thought and effort into the gift.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 16/07/2023 15:54

The Dil is nearly 40,if the op upset her somehow the adult thing is to sit down and discuss it.
Not ignore the op and expect a handout.
You're not going to get on with everyone and we've all had a foot in mouth moment.
Plus the Dil is the one keeping the bad feeling going.
You get what you sew.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 15:54

I'd rather not have the money than have it with strings attached from
Someone who doesn't like me and has formed an awful view of me (even if it was deserved!)
My friend was in an awful similar situation where mil put 20k towards their first home and then constantly brought it up and tried to tell them how to decorate etc etc etc as though it was her home too- they gave it back as soon as they sold up so that she couldn't (luckily they were in a financial position to do so as their area had gentrified and they'd been promoted)

11oclockrock · 16/07/2023 15:54

What stands out to me is that the son and DILs relationship doesn't sound healthy - her moods, she's controlling what he can say on the phone.

Given the short time they've been together and the challenges they have had I wouldn't expect them to stay together in the long run.

Therefore no way would I be gifting deposit at this time. Perhaps when son is older, if they do break up, so he can buy somewhere for himself and GC.

I would advise OP to try and see son and GC on their own and give DIL her space as she sounds quite unwell.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:51

@Anklespraying

no sorry it’s not an excuse for rudeness

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What's your excuse?

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 15:53

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:57

If it was me I would worry about the stability of their relationship and would not offer any money. They should work for it and give their money to the grandchildren like she said. If they stop talking to her over the money then you know what their true intentions are and her son said he understands.

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True but the horse is already out of the barn. The OP didn't have to offer money for a house, but she kindly did. Now to revoke it over a perceived snub? Awful.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:53

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 15:45

I’m saying over 10 years my mil has ground me down to the point I am on edge around her.
Someone else has posted “sometimes ignoring the pils was my only way to cope so as not to say something I’d regret.”
which is exactly true.
Every time I let my guard down and start a chat I am immediately reminded why I try to keep my distance. I don’t want my husband discussing me with his Mum because it will no doubt come back to bite me when I least expect it. “Are you not keeping on top of your house because you’re feeling depressed.” Er thanks but feck off and asked your son recently last time he tidied (this is an example not real!)

I think OP is not at all liked by her DIL who is likely to be punitive and go no contact if the house deposit is withdrawn. Does OP want that or would it be better to put something in place so DIL can’t do that? I’m suggesting a way to work around the DIL as if they do decide to gift the money once the house is purchased I reckon they’d go no contact anyway!

I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents but not everyone does.

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It's your advocating for OP to keep the money coming that's dreadful. By all means cut contact with your pain in the arse MIL but don't continue to take handouts.

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 15:53

Funny you don't mention the money in you first post or that she has bipolar.

You said you offered them the money for a house deposit, and after posting this at 9am you've since rung them up and told them they won't be getting it, when your first post wasn't even anything to do with the money.

You also don't mention if your son thanked you for the gift?

I'm just struggling to see why she's a massive bitch and your completely innocent in all this. Would love to hear her side of the story!

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:47

@Anklespraying

they aren’t going to be relieved. They are missing out on money! And all because DIL couldn’t bring herself to show basic manners and politeness. Oh well, tough for them innit. They’ll just have to keep working and wait til they can afford house deposit by themselves.

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https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Perhaps ask these bipolar sufferers if they prioritize other peoples happiness about money over their own mental health.

Bipolar and JAAQ

Get answers to over 150 questions about bipolar at the click of a button...

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:51

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:46

These bipolar suffers can explain how difficult it is for you

Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

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@Anklespraying

no sorry it’s not an excuse for rudeness

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:50

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:38

Haha, the cheek of you😂. You're telling OP to keep giving her money and let her DIL continue to treat her like shit...because you do the same. Nice use of manipulation and treating the child as a pawn (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?).

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild

What do you mean by this? Sounds like you're saying without payment she just won't bother seeing OP? And you're sticking up for this horrible person?

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I know right?!
totally unreasonable @Led921900
be interesting if you become a grandparent…karma and all that

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:47

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:43

It's all a bit academic now. Grandma's chucked her toys out of the pram and is off to spend money on solicitors to tie up their cash rather than give it too her son.

He's chosen a too old, too attractive, too ill woman to provide her with the appropriate standard of grandparent experience.

I'm pretty sure all the pointless engraved baby tat people hand over at christenings etc. gets buried deep in a cupboard somewhere.

It's been a handy talisman to use as an excuse for MILs disappointment with her sons choices.

I do believe the new family are going to be relieved this equity donation has gone away and all the drama with it. It's the last thing a bipolar sufferer needs, high drama grandparents. A phyric victory for OP. Nose and face comes to mind.

@Anklespraying

they aren’t going to be relieved. They are missing out on money! And all because DIL couldn’t bring herself to show basic manners and politeness. Oh well, tough for them innit. They’ll just have to keep working and wait til they can afford house deposit by themselves.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:33

@BungleandGeorge

expected to sit and chat?! Omg the horror
who doesn’t sit and chat at least for a bit when they have guests?!
Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

Show quote history

These bipolar suffers can explain how difficult it is for you

Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Bipolar and JAAQ

Get answers to over 150 questions about bipolar at the click of a button...

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 15:45

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:38

Haha, the cheek of you😂. You're telling OP to keep giving her money and let her DIL continue to treat her like shit...because you do the same. Nice use of manipulation and treating the child as a pawn (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?).

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild

What do you mean by this? Sounds like you're saying without payment she just won't bother seeing OP? And you're sticking up for this horrible person?

Show quote history

I’m saying over 10 years my mil has ground me down to the point I am on edge around her.
Someone else has posted “sometimes ignoring the pils was my only way to cope so as not to say something I’d regret.”
which is exactly true.
Every time I let my guard down and start a chat I am immediately reminded why I try to keep my distance. I don’t want my husband discussing me with his Mum because it will no doubt come back to bite me when I least expect it. “Are you not keeping on top of your house because you’re feeling depressed.” Er thanks but feck off and asked your son recently last time he tidied (this is an example not real!)

I think OP is not at all liked by her DIL who is likely to be punitive and go no contact if the house deposit is withdrawn. Does OP want that or would it be better to put something in place so DIL can’t do that? I’m suggesting a way to work around the DIL as if they do decide to gift the money once the house is purchased I reckon they’d go no contact anyway!

I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents but not everyone does.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:43

It's all a bit academic now. Grandma's chucked her toys out of the pram and is off to spend money on solicitors to tie up their cash rather than give it too her son.

He's chosen a too old, too attractive, too ill woman to provide her with the appropriate standard of grandparent experience.

I'm pretty sure all the pointless engraved baby tat people hand over at christenings etc. gets buried deep in a cupboard somewhere.

It's been a handy talisman to use as an excuse for MILs disappointment with her sons choices.

I do believe the new family are going to be relieved this equity donation has gone away and all the drama with it. It's the last thing a bipolar sufferer needs, high drama grandparents. A phyric victory for OP. Nose and face comes to mind.

sunshinesupermum · 16/07/2023 15:40

LED931900 RTFT the OP updated that the money is now being put into a trust for the DGC! Most sensible use of it.

Just because you have issues with your own MiL don't assume that the OP is like her. The DiL sounds plain rude.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:38

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 15:30

I act the same way around my MIL because I just don’t have anything to say to her anymore.
She will gift things and then expect all the thank you’s to come from me. She will see me running around without saying a word to her son, but anything to do with the household or children she defers to me even though I work more hours than my husband … it seems I’m expected to do everything.
Any conversation I start she uses an excuse to start monologing about how it was for her. Any decision I made is passively aggressively critiqued.

Day to day have you looked at your own behaviour? Are you sexist towards her expecting her to do everything even just in the way you talk?

It is telling you expect a thank you from her but have said nothing whether your own son was pleased or said thank you?

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

I would reduce the deposit you were offering for the house but still give them something (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?). Then I would agree to give them the rest monthly (or a smaller sum monthly and some in an account for your grandchild) so long as you’re able to see your grandchild 3-4 times a month even just with your son?! That should motivate the contact and allow you to build a relationship without bringing her into it. As I tell my husband his Mum needs to build a relationship with the grandchildren, and not think everything she does is a favour to me.

From my side the amount of stress my mil causes has been a real downside of having a family.

Haha, the cheek of you😂. You're telling OP to keep giving her money and let her DIL continue to treat her like shit...because you do the same. Nice use of manipulation and treating the child as a pawn (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?).

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild

What do you mean by this? Sounds like you're saying without payment she just won't bother seeing OP? And you're sticking up for this horrible person?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:34

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 15:30

I act the same way around my MIL because I just don’t have anything to say to her anymore.
She will gift things and then expect all the thank you’s to come from me. She will see me running around without saying a word to her son, but anything to do with the household or children she defers to me even though I work more hours than my husband … it seems I’m expected to do everything.
Any conversation I start she uses an excuse to start monologing about how it was for her. Any decision I made is passively aggressively critiqued.

Day to day have you looked at your own behaviour? Are you sexist towards her expecting her to do everything even just in the way you talk?

It is telling you expect a thank you from her but have said nothing whether your own son was pleased or said thank you?

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

I would reduce the deposit you were offering for the house but still give them something (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?). Then I would agree to give them the rest monthly (or a smaller sum monthly and some in an account for your grandchild) so long as you’re able to see your grandchild 3-4 times a month even just with your son?! That should motivate the contact and allow you to build a relationship without bringing her into it. As I tell my husband his Mum needs to build a relationship with the grandchildren, and not think everything she does is a favour to me.

From my side the amount of stress my mil causes has been a real downside of having a family.

@Led921900

youre basically telling op she has to pay to see her grandchild

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 15:33

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 15:25

"DIL is expected to sit and chat"? Oh ffs! You're saying that as if it's abnormal. Don't we all sit and chat when we visit/have visitors? Otherwise why invite people/go visiting? Mumsnet is really another universe sometimes. I also haven't seen OP post anything about expecting a handwritten thank you card, where did she say that? Or that she was 'expected' to do all the hosting. Stop making things up.

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@BungleandGeorge

expected to sit and chat?! Omg the horror
who doesn’t sit and chat at least for a bit when they have guests?!
Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 15:32

sunshinesupermum · 16/07/2023 14:41

Just read your update OP. 'he is not allowed to discuss her feelings'? Your poor son.

I read that as she doesn't want him discussing her feelings with his parents, i.e. OP. Presumably because DIL is either aware of or senses OP's disapproval that she's older than OP's son and therefore thinks she got pregnant on purpose.