Struggling with DIL

It doesn't matter what context you give OP, some people either cannot or won't read between the lines and just want a stick to beat you with. Hence the cup of tea comments 🙄 it's bloody tedious. Again, good for you. Boundaries are a good thing to have.

I mean, describing in even more detail how she didn't drink the tea doesn't really change things.

I think you should let your DIL be and have your son step up. The spoon sounds like a perfect gift, but you should stop expecting DIL to be grateful and expect your son to take charge. Same with visitation. There is no reason why your son and grandchild can visit without her. Offer baby-sitting and meeting with the child through your son and see how that goes. As for the money, if you're giving it either accept that it will be gone without strings attached or have a talk with a lawyer. It is possible to have a relationship with the grandchild without having a relationship with the DIL.

@SadMil What my aunt and uncle did in a similar situation was but the £50k worth of house and have it all legal that that is theirs. Should my cousin and her separate they get back their £50k or my cousin can buy her out. Maybe something to think about as then ur son isn’t missing out on a house.

I swear I read a very similar story on here about 5-6 months ago maybe have a search and see what the advice/outcome was.

Hope it all works out for u. I don’t get on with my in-laws but they were very rude to me from the get go. I would never have not said thank you, hello or shown good manners regardless of my feelings as i care about my dh and it would impact him. As my child has gotten older i find it easier to talk with them as it’s normally all about her so we have something in common now! It might get better.

Oh and let’s not forget she’s older and used your son for a baby. You’ve judged her she doesn’t like you because she knows you don’t like her. The end.

No I don’t think it’s about a cup of tea. I think it’s about the fact you don’t like her and you’ve mentioned her mental health problems, the fact she’s older, the fact that she’s beautiful and your son is obviously smitten and that your son won’t discuss her personal feelings with you over the phone. And your “she won’t be getting a penny” comment of the money you offered (she didn’t ask for) says it all.

It sounds like you can’t do right for doing wrong, OP. Your husband’s gift was a lovely one. Hopefully they will have the good manners to show appreciation at some point.

And from the above, you were thanked for the gift?

Well yes you chose to be mortally offended because she didn't drink tea. You're the one who mentioned it. It makes it sound like you're looking for reasons to get huffy.

The sons statement about being asked not to share partners personal info with MIL makes it sound like he's done so before.
Could IL's have mentioned this to her (in any way meant), coupled with the disapproval of the age difference (ffs they're adults) and baby so quickly ( again they're adults) and this woman has clear boundaries ILs don't like?
Or she could be twunt.
Or unwell (that pisses me off when mental health issues are somehow used against people, normally women)
As for the money. Only you will know if your family/relationships have now imploded OP 🤷🏻‍♀️
It wouldn't have been a decision I'd have made lightly.....

I bet the DIL is so relieved to not be getting that money. FFS she’s a new mum, she’s probably hormonal and anxious then throw in there a trying to keep stabilised a serious mental illness. She must be absolutely exhausted and you’re picking at minor things like drinking a cup of tea. Let’s face it she’s older than your son, she’s beautiful and she’s taken away his affections and you don’t like it. Why on earth would your ds speak about her feelings and emotions on the phone to you? It’s none of your business.
She’s better off without your money.

You have my sympathy Op, I have a very similar issue and have decided to rearrange my financial affairs to ensure my family money stays within the family.

It's a very hurtful attitude from her but it probably isn't personal, maybe it's a control/narcissistic thing, I don't know. I've given up trying to understand I'm afraid.

What a way to look at life a kind gesture is met with who knows met with jealousy.

Unfortunately you have to be there for your son.which for the time being means ignoring your dils behaviour so you can still have contact.

She sounds the type that wants only her family involved. I hope your son does not go along with that

There's no excuse for bad behaviour I was a child victim of it and eventually, after loads of attempts to bring my mother closer, I gave up and made no contact. It was hard work getting her to make any effort. She canceled coming over to my children's birthday party it would have been door to door drop off and pick up. I saw her in 2014 and couldn't bare it anymore after that. The last time I saw her was on her deathbed this year in March. People have to want to change and understand.

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

The benefit of making sure you get along with your PILs is that they're your husband's parents and not getting along with them is likely to put a strain on your marriage. If they're not actively offensive or abusive you find a way to see them that doesn't involve insulting or offhand behaviour. You show willing, you try to establish a relationship, you behave like an adult and not a spoilt child.

Yes, I have had PILs and they haven't been people who I'd naturally volunteer to spend much time with, but they we found ways of appreciating the good things about each other and rising above the difficult stuff.

Other benefits? Well, it's great for a child to grow up in a supportive, loving family that includes other generations. The more people who are there to love a child the better. So you do it for your child's sake if nothing else. And if you're hoping to receive financial help, it helps if you can be at the very least polite. If you have a child or children, PILs can be useful for baby-sitting and later child-minding.

And back to your this:
I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.
The child has a second parent and if he wants to take the child to see its grandparents he can. No need to be so threatening.

As somebody with challenging in law relationships (I am v low contact with my MIL), I would echo the advice to lower your expectations to zero. It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with her, and forcing it, particularly when she is going through a difficult period with her mental health, is just going to lead you to be resentful.

You need to reframe the relationship you have with this part of the family as primarily through your son. He probably needs some support, particularly with the baby right now. Make that your job to sort out.

You have every right to be sad that your relationship with her hasn't worked out, and you are allowed to mourn the situation.

Yes, DIL is probably relieved not to have this "gift" with all its strings.

You and your husband sound completely ridiculous. You have offered money (prematurely ) and now making a fool of yourself retracting it.
You clearly don't like her and the feeling is clearly mutual.
This is definitely going to end in them going NC with you - congrats.