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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:21

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:19

Did you really think everyone here was going to cheer you on for your petty behaviour? Plenty of others have pointed out that you clearly aren't the wonderfully kind presence you seem to think you are.

Get an ounce of self-awareness if you want your relationship to improve. Otherwise, you're creating a scenario where you might see your son and grandchild far less than you'd like, all because of your bitter score-keeping.

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I don’t think it’s me that needs to get the self awareness though - can you explain?

what do you think have I done that’s petty?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:20

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:14

It was a suggestion that they both agreed to, I therefore didn’t foresee a problem.

baby seemed to be having fun

turns out I don’t think it was her cup of tea either 🤣🤣🤣

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Well, cups of tea aside, what's your gut feeling about it all now, OP? Because you're pretty much at shit or bust point here. Given you've nothing left to lose, you could push for a proper explanation, which you may not enjoy hearing but which might clear the air after a bit of a break, and you can all start again when the dust settles.

I'd take a punt that at 39, she feels a bit (a lot) patronised by you. And I don't think you mean to have that effect.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:20

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:17

OP I just imagine you following around your DIL with a little notebook. I bet you could describe exactly how many minutes she looked at her phone during the pantomime and exactly where she placed the tea she didn't drink and many other examples (please don't though).

As someone said earlier, this kind of ledger-keeping is not really going to help a lifelong relationship.

😂 this is priceless. What didn’t help was you’re not allowed to use mobile phones in the auditorium so she continued with a coat on her head. That’s probably perfectly normal behaviour as well though

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:19

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:17

Omg you are DIL aren’t you?

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Did you really think everyone here was going to cheer you on for your petty behaviour? Plenty of others have pointed out that you clearly aren't the wonderfully kind presence you seem to think you are.

Get an ounce of self-awareness if you want your relationship to improve. Otherwise, you're creating a scenario where you might see your son and grandchild far less than you'd like, all because of your bitter score-keeping.

PuddlesPityParty · 16/07/2023 17:19

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LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 17:17

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 17:10

What is your excuse for your rudeness though?

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@Anklespraying

how do you think I have been rude?

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:17

OP I just imagine you following around your DIL with a little notebook. I bet you could describe exactly how many minutes she looked at her phone during the pantomime and exactly where she placed the tea she didn't drink and many other examples (please don't though).

As someone said earlier, this kind of ledger-keeping is not really going to help a lifelong relationship.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:17

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:16

This is not the great insult you think it is.

Thank you for proving my point.

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Omg you are DIL aren’t you?

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:16

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:16

This is not the great insult you think it is.

Thank you for proving my point.

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You’re welcome ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:16

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 14:59

Yeah, we don't use money to control people. We don't offer money with conditions.

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Control people? Eh? Time for a cup of tea ☕️

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:16

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:14

You sound like you’re about 12

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This is not the great insult you think it is.

Thank you for proving my point.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:14

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:13

If you want to pick on one part of my comment, go for it. You seem like a pretty unpleasant person, and I'm glad you aren't my MIL!

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You sound like you’re about 12

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:14

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:12

What was the context of going the pantomime, OP? Do you all like the pantomime? Did the baby go too?

It's really not my cup of tea (do you see what I did there) and I have a horrible feeling that if forced to go to spend an evening with Widow Twanky out of social obligation, I might end up on my phone looking at MN ... Grin I can imagine it would be exactly the sort of thing my ExH and PiLs would put me through, and by the point of the final appalling camping trip in the rain one summer my fixed smile was faltering big time.

It was a suggestion that they both agreed to, I therefore didn’t foresee a problem.

baby seemed to be having fun

turns out I don’t think it was her cup of tea either 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:13

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:10

If old fashioned means having basic manners, yeah I guess you’re right.

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If you want to pick on one part of my comment, go for it. You seem like a pretty unpleasant person, and I'm glad you aren't my MIL!

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:12

What was the context of going the pantomime, OP? Do you all like the pantomime? Did the baby go too?

It's really not my cup of tea (do you see what I did there) and I have a horrible feeling that if forced to go to spend an evening with Widow Twanky out of social obligation, I might end up on my phone looking at MN ... Grin I can imagine it would be exactly the sort of thing my ExH and PiLs would put me through, and by the point of the final appalling camping trip in the rain one summer my fixed smile was faltering big time.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:11

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:09

Yes you've taken steps to really damage a relationship because "we never received a thank-you" but in fact you were thanked? Why does your DIL have to run over and thank you as well? Well listen, you offered money for a housing deposit and then withdrew it as an "fu" so your DIL has been adequately punished I guess.

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Yeah, you’re right that all makes sense now 😊

OP posts:
BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:11

You mentioned the money to them when she got pregnant. So nearly 2 years ago?
I really do think she's aware of your negative feelings about her, despite your instance that you've been nothing but kind. What reason would she have for being annoyed at a cup of tea? Maybe she thinks it's polite to offer someone tea, not just decide for them. I think you're both picking up little things done by each other and blowing them out of proportion.

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:11

Your son was very rude not to thank his dad for the thoughtful gift for his baby.

please do t blame the woman - thanking people for gifts, sending birthday cards, arranging visits etc is not woman’s work.

it seems this lady is rude - but so is your son. They are well matched!

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:10

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:09

To be perfectly honest, OP, you sound very old-fashioned, and on top of that, you are clearly keeping score of your DIL's behaviour in a way that will never lead to a healthy or positive relationship. It's incredibly petty.

Some of your comments have been very revealing, and the fact that you think DIL is responsible for thanking you for the gift and not your own child speaks volumes about how you view a woman's role in a relationship, even when that woman is not related to you.

You are overly focussed on what you call "manners," while failing to show any self-awareness, let alone empathy. Your relationship with your son, wife, and grandchild is not going to get any easier unless you take a hard look at how your own behaviour has contributed to this fraught relationship.

If old fashioned means having basic manners, yeah I guess you’re right.

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 17:10

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 17:06

@Anklespraying

I guess that I don’t think that Op should feel she has to give money to someone who is rude and disrespectful towards her.
what’s yours?

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What is your excuse for your rudeness though?

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:09

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:02

Omg 😆 Why are you picking up on small details? Do you not understand context or insight?

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Yes you've taken steps to really damage a relationship because "we never received a thank-you" but in fact you were thanked? Why does your DIL have to run over and thank you as well? Well listen, you offered money for a housing deposit and then withdrew it as an "fu" so your DIL has been adequately punished I guess.

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:09

To be perfectly honest, OP, you sound very old-fashioned, and on top of that, you are clearly keeping score of your DIL's behaviour in a way that will never lead to a healthy or positive relationship. It's incredibly petty.

Some of your comments have been very revealing, and the fact that you think DIL is responsible for thanking you for the gift and not your own child speaks volumes about how you view a woman's role in a relationship, even when that woman is not related to you.

You are overly focussed on what you call "manners," while failing to show any self-awareness, let alone empathy. Your relationship with your son, wife, and grandchild is not going to get any easier unless you take a hard look at how your own behaviour has contributed to this fraught relationship.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:08

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:04

I mean, describing in even more detail how she didn't drink the tea doesn't really change things.

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Ok you’re right, I’m wrong. Next time I visit someone and they happen to have my usual drink waiting for me, I’ll look at them in an incredulous fashion, frown and repeat ‘oh (long pause) you’ve made me a cup of tea!’ Proceed to place it nearby, not touch it and ignore my host. That’s completely normal obviously in mumsnet world 🙄

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 17:06

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:53

What's your excuse?

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@Anklespraying

I guess that I don’t think that Op should feel she has to give money to someone who is rude and disrespectful towards her.
what’s yours?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 17:05

As if on cue...