Struggling with DIL

What did your DH want? For your DIL to bring the party to a standstill and make everyone watch and listen while she elaborately thanked him and showed off the present? Why did the thanks have to come from her? You said in your OP she'd organised it, which implies she was busy, so why wasn't your son's thanks enough in the moment?

Yep, I'm with you Op, it's basic manners.

Nope. It's fine to not give away money. But making it clear it is because of what the DIL did is inflammatory.

Because she's 39 and you're 48.

It's possible that that small age difference could amplify the effect and the annoyance of her receiving what she perceives as even the slightest piece of unsolicited advice or comment.

Have you ever commented on things like feeding methods, weaning, naps, car seats? Anything at all?

What's your solution give her £50k and she doesn't like the op. Should she be a pushover?

OP, I think the fact that you are talking about your DIL not 'getting a penny' of your money, belies how much you are making your DIL responsible for your the relationship you have with your son and grandson.

If you had framed the situation as you offering your son the money to help him finance the raising of your grandchild, you might have avoided this whole sorry mess.

The couple are relieved, OP and husband can now rid themselves of the expectation of politeness- sounds like an excellent result all round!

Life is too short to lumber ourselves with people we can't be bothered with or have prejudices against.

Not you. Her. She's not a young girl. It makes no difference to her life whether you like her or not. It will affect you more though to make an enemy of her. She is your grandchild's mother. Your son has committed himself to her. How do you think this is going to play out?

I think you've done the right thing. Why would you give someone who clearly doesn't particularly like you £50k. I wouldn't.

FWIW, OP, I do understand why you were upset not to be thanked for the gift. If you give someone something handmade and then get the impression they don’t like it, you’re not just sad that you put time and love into making it, you also feel really silly for thinking they’d want something you had made. The comments here about handmade gifts not fitting the decor of their house etc strike me as really heartless.

That said - it’s your son you should be annoyed with for not thanking you for the gift itself later rather than just acknowledging that you had brought a gift at the time. I’m very big on thank-yous and I love handmade thoughtful gifts, and I wouldn’t write a thank you note to my in-laws - that’s my DH’s job (though I might nag him to write one, and I might well mention the gift next time I saw them).

This is lovely.

That's what I was trying to say OP, but I was too busy being sarcastic.

I wonder how her own mother and friends would describe DIL and then also the OP? We really don’t know her side.

Perhaps she doesn't like you.
Perhaps obviously you don't like her.
It's you who has most to loose and you who has to be the bigger person for that imo.
She holds all the cards, so just suck it up and do not put your so in an awkward position.

See, I knew you had more examples.

Relationships don't happen to you: they are two-sided. You need to look long and hard at what you've done, or said, that may have contributed to this relationship breakdown. You are not going to get any real advice here, because none of us know you or your DIL.

You seem to hold your DIL responsible for a lot, which is what I highlighted as being old-fashioned. Your son didn't write a thank you card either, but you haven't written a post tearing him apart for his lack of manners (which is curious, since you raised him, and manners seem very important to you).

It's very possible your DIL doesn't like you. She doesn't have to, and you don't have to like her either. Of course you also don't owe her and your son a housing deposit, but the way you went about offering and then taking this away was definitely on the petty side, and seemed to occur as a result of the MN pile-on you seem to be delighting in. It's all very childish behaviour from someone who is in her 50s/60s (guessing at your age here based on your son's age).

If you really want the relationship to improve, try looking inward. You don't need to be friends. You just need to tolerate each other for the sake of the baby. That means letting go of the things that seem to infuriate you (don't make tea, don't expect lots of thank yous, don't be offended if she would rather scroll on her phone than talk to you).

DIL sounds like a very rude and unpleasant person. I would treat her exactly the way she treats me, and completely stop going out of my way for her.

That's the thing about older wiser women, they don't feel as obligated to tolerate or put up with others they don't like. I don't think it matters much to your DIL if you like her or not. She's not some young people pleaser who feels like she needs to turn herself inside out for the approval of her in laws.

This comment is shallow.

There’s a thank you for receipt of a gift that you’ve not opened and a thank you for the gift once you’ve opened it.

the DIL did neither. The son acknowledged the first. Neither of them followed up with any kind of thanks afterward

the tea thing is out and out weird.
the total blanking at the party was unmistakably rude, and DS “isn’t allowed to discuss DIL feelings”

at least @SadMil has got her view across to him, hopefully it’ll sink in and they’ll find some manners somehow

Hahahha you are so revealing in your latest posts. You are completely unable to take any accountability. "She won't be getting a penny" did she ask for your money lol look at you trying to control this women. You are looking at zero relationship with your DIL and grandchild and honestly that sounds like what you deserve.

Why didn’t your son… on unwrapping that lovely gift… get in touch and thank his father for it? Why does she have to? Are you angry with him about it? I will never understand why the mums are supposed to take this all on.

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. You don’t know how she views you or the relationship she has with you and then taking away a gift you promised is going to impact your son and grandchild and your relationship with them all.

It’s a shame she’s not a nicer DIL to you but without knowing you both we can’t really judge. But it’s a dangerous road getting angry about it because you risk no contact with your child and grandchild. Keep that in mind.