Struggling with DIL

He thanked them for a wrapped gift he didn’t think them again once he saw the obvious effort that had gone into it all.
It sounds like a beautiful gift but the anger is a bit misdirected.

When was this pantomime then OP? Most likely Dec/Jan time. So what the baby was around 6 months old?

If I wanted to better the life of my son and grandchild I wouldn't spite them just because I don't my DIL ungrateful. But maybe I'm just not that petty?

I also was accused of being imperfect by my mil. All she wanted to do was love me like a daughter. But couldn't as apparently I "wouldn't let her". Tried to get dh to tslk to me multiple times, but every time she did that, it pushed me further away.

She's now in very failing health and it nearly all over (their childhood and her life). Looking back, I wouldn't have been able to do anything differently. Probably neither would she.

The upshot is, 15 years down the line, she's had an ok relationship with ds and dd. I just hope the time she spent with them wasn't spoilt by her own resentment of me, because when she wasn't here, I didn't give her a second thought.

It's been a bit pants, but no major rows because what's the point.
Just make the best of it.

This is exactly it, but OP doesn't want to or can't hear any of this.

I imagine many are from women who dislike their MILs and have painted them all as evil, dismissive and mean. So, they are quick to pile-up on a MIL who has a DIL that is rude, dismissive and mean, excusing her as "just having a baby".

So son's dad is a carpenter and dad makes son something he's really pleased with himself about for his grandchild, gives it to his son wrapped up, son says thanks. It's not unwrapped there and then but then none of the gifts are. He doesn't call him later to say dad, I love that, his dads handiwork. Son says nothing about it.

What do son's mum and dad do about their sons lack of "manners" over dads handiwork?

Seethe and ruminate over how it's the woman's fault.

Ruminate on her to avoid noticing that their son didn't tell his dad how brilliant the Disney stool is. They don't like her anyway so it's convenient to blame her.

They focus on blaming her so much that when they pop in the trap is set and a funny look over an unwanted cup of tea is enough to peak their rumination into a search for the ultimate punishment.

I don't think your son cares about the Disney stool. I think he cares about it as much about as he cares about your money.

Not at all.

He did thank them

Because the status quo of this is the man doing none of this social admin and the woman doing it all.

Surely she can thank her mum and friends for their presents and the son can thank his own parents for theirs?

You're almost in a 'damned if you do , damned if you don't' relationship with your daughter in law.

If you back away , she'll probably say that you're not interested but if you're proactive in your support, she'll decide that you're interfering .

I genuinely think that some new mothers just go into their own zone and seem to forget about other family members.

I feel for you, I really do , alas I've nothing constructive to add.

All good wishes to you.

We don't know that the DIL didn't thank them afterwards though. OP and her DH's complaint is that she didn't thank them in the moment in the middle of a party she'd been busy organising. There was a gift table, which implies that everyone plonked their presents down and there would be formal thanks later, which is pretty common! And their DS thanked them when they arrived with it! But no, that wasn't enough for them. It sounds like they'd only be happy if DIL prostrated herself at their feet! I think they've done her a favour withdrawing the money offer – I would hate to be beholden to people like this.

What if the op was a single mother with the same feelings would you think the same way about her?

You need to let them know that you are sorry, but circumstances have changed, so you no longer can help them buy a house.

Honestly, I think your DIL wanted a child and wanted someone to help pay for having one. Don't be surprised when she "decides" the relationship is over. If they have a house because of your cash help, she will be sure to take it, along with anything else she can get. I know this is a pessimistic view, but I truly believe that when people show you how they really are, you should believe them.

An 18 year old will experience pregnancy and new motherhood in a different way to a 39 year old?

its just what I have observed over many years of being a human being. any Teen mums I have known have had significantly more parental involvement than adult women in their thirties. Teen mums, from what I have seen, receive and need more advice and guidance, and more financial support than established adults.

it’s just common sense?

I'm afraid I'm always a bit sceptical over posts like this owing to my own experience.

My in laws would probably say I can be rude, distant and moody.

What they in fact don't realise is how many times they've hurt my feelings and pissed me off over the years with their interfering, rudeness, criticising and much more. Husband is too spineless to deal with their behaviour.

The fact that you were offering them 50k when they haven't even been together long and are now withdrawing it on the basis that you don't like your dil makes me wonder.

Did you dil want to go to a pantomime? Did she want a cup of tea? Did she want 50k?

@Miajk

neither would I

That attitude usually kicks in when one set of parents is a problem.

but what I am seeing on this thread is more gender stereotyping. So much of relationship management - for both sets of parents - falls to the woman. Both parents don’t need to say thank you for the gift separately. In this case neither did - but the focus is on the woman.

@jennyjones198080

OP was a teen mum - so her experiences of motherhood were likely very different. She clearly has an issue with this woman’s age. “

how have you worked that one out?!

Op you're 48 so you are not that much older than your dil. You had your son young like myself I also had children young. Were you pleased with your son's decision? Looks aside because looks aren't everything and he obviously rushed in quickly. Has your son ever said anything about her that ring alarm bells?

It’s very much a MN thing that only people in a couple deal with their own parents. In the real world, people behave normally and with manners.

throws a fit and withdraws money she was going to gift because she hasn't received enough gratitude

Whats wrong with this? I wouldn’t give 10p to an ungrateful sod let alone £50k

@MrsU2022 what I don’t understand is why OP and her husband are only upset because the DIL didn’t thank them - their son didn’t thank them either but the focus is on the DIL.

OP was a teen mum - so her experiences of motherhood were likely very different. She clearly has an issue with this woman’s age.

I think it’s a unfortunate mix of a stroppy DIL and a sexist, critical mother in law.

the son is golden balls so will never do anything wrong.

unfortunately for OP as long as this couple is together she will lose out. her son’s loyalist will be to his partner. As it should be

OP:

• doesn't hold her son to the same standard as DIL
• throws a fit and withdraws money she was going to gift because she hasn't received enough gratitude
• is pretty rude in her responses to posters
• scrutinizes every behaviour of her DIL who is a new mother struggling with mental health

OP have you ever considered that maybe the issue here is you? You don't sound like a very pleasant or kind person to be around

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

Agree its basic manners to say thank you for a gift - I don't get the whole son can thank you...if my FIL made something and put all that love and effort into it, I'd want to personally thank him.

On another note, I wouldn't want my husband discussing my 'feelings' with my MIL - purely because she's quite opinionated and I would feel like she's meddling in my relationship - I personally feel like that's quite invasive.

I have a reasonably good relationship with my MIL - I don't adore her but I don't despise her. I often find her quite overbearing and she does push her opinion quite a lot in quite a 'parenting' way which I struggle with as find it quite condescending, although I appreciate she means well. I can't imagine she has any awareness of this though, so might be food for thought!