Struggling with DIL

@SadMil I'd be over the moon to have MIL like you, OP!

My DD's late DF's parents don't bother with my DD since their son - my DH passed away. Breaks my heart

IF your DIL used your son to have a baby and/or is the sort of person that only appreciates designer labels or cash gifts for baby, it will become apparent over time.

Nothing to say about the son who said nothing to his father, the carpenter, about the children's stool he made for his son's first child?

Only about the woman's lack of appreciation?

The son and father? They don't have to communicate with each other about a personal gift?

We just judge the woman as probably liking designer labels?

This place is sexism on stilts!

No there is much more to it than that. Not a cup of tea and lack of thank you. It’s a persistent issue of bad attitude and disrespect

id never hand over money if the relationship was 2 years in and if I did I’d make sure it was ring fenced legally

How does her gift come with strings attached? Do you ignore your “lovely” MIL when they visit you? If that is strings attached to you then damn yeah I will attach strings of basic respect and decency if I am gifting you £50k.

Are you really telling me the relationship with your MIL will be lovely if you ignore her and can’t even show gratitude when they do something for our child?

Why don’t you try it as an experiment and let us know how quickly the lovely relationship will change? Go on try it and come back and report. Next time she comes to you just walk past and ignore her, is she asks Look at her with disdain and tell her nothing. Tell your husband he must not she’s anything with her and just tell her he can’t say.

You will be a big liar if you claim your relationship ship will stay the same and your lovely MIL will gladly gift you huge sums while you treat her like she doesn’t matter. Go on show us.

All these comments about OP being right to not hand money over to an ungrateful so-and-so are missing the point. It's OP's DS and grandchild who are missing out too. All because DIL didn't fall at their feet to thank them for a gift and didn't drink a cup of tea she hadn't been asked if she wanted. So unbelievably petty.

As we only have your version of events here, which do sound difficult, I think it’s hard to give sound advice.

I would keep offering support in any way you can, especially if she is suffering from depression or has a bipolar disorder.
have you tried talking to her mum about how her dd is? Ask have you done anything wrong-you may have inadvertently said or done something to upset your dil.

I don’t know what the answer is but you sound like a lovely nanny and mil, what a shame. Definitely agree about the money, I wouldn’t hand over my hard earned cash to help out someone who treats me like 💩.

Out of nosiness do you have other children?

Did your son thank you OP?

If he has, then DIL doesn't need to as well.
And if he hasn't, why is it on DIL?

OP this thread has all gotten a bit out of hand. Everyone responding has a view coloured by their own experiences. I think the situation is fairly new given that they are only together about 2 years: I would back off if I were you. Clearly it’s not going to be the big happy family situation you would prefer and it’s best if you try to come to terms with that. IF your DIL used your son to have a baby and/or is the sort of person that only appreciates designer labels or cash gifts for baby, it will become apparent over time. Maybe it’s just a very difficult time at the moment for her MH and she will come out of it. Try to sit back and let it play out. Just offer to be there for your son and grandson - maybe you will have to help pick up the pieces or maybe the couple will figure things out…time will tell. Good luck 🍀

@Miajk

i would just feel like a doormat giving money to someone who treat me badly. Family or not.

People's behaviour tells you a lot about who they are.

You're making assumptions about how shallow I am based on this thread too, so pot, kettle or something rings a bell..

Do you know how many women end up fucked and primary carers?

Pease stop wasting your time responding to
each weirdo on mumsnet. You and your husband have made your decision and your son had accepted it so you don’t need to justify it to anyone here.

You are making assumptions on someone's life based on a thread are you really that shallow.

@SadMil Does DIL behave in an appropriate way with other people? Is it just you and dh she’s off with?

Do you have any other chn? If so how is dil with them?

Actually I have a lovely MIL.

If I was moody, or whatever, she would probably be genuinely concerned and not so self absorbed she'd think it's always about her.

When she and my FIL gifted us a house deposit, there weren't string attached about how much gratitude I need to show.

She's very respectful, kind, generous. That's why I know having a MIL like OP would be hell.

Gosh not sure why the op is getting a hard time. She has tried hard with this woman. Been warm, friendly, kind and inviting. The op is entitled to basic manners and respect.

It is not spiting the child and son it is being wise and not giving a lump sum to someone who certainly wouldn’t appreciate or deserve it!

If she wants a reason to act like an A-hole well she’s bloody well got one.

Do you know how many men end up homeless and fucked?

This is upsetting for you. I think it’s a bit of an impossible situation, really. I think the only real choice you have is to take the ‘smile and wave’ approach. Just be yourselves, continue to be polite and remain supportive. It could be that your daughter in law is immature and not a very nice person, maybe she’s socially awkward, maybe she is depressed; no one can know for sure what’s going on so it’s best to carry on as normal, support them and continue to be kind. Don’t give her anything that she could potentially use against you or use to cause trouble. Don’t allow her to hurt your feelings because this will only ultimately result in hurting you and your husband. Difficult but I think you have to take this approach for your sons sake. I think it’s what he’d want.

P.S. I would love it if you made me a cup of tea and took me to the panto!

@Led921900
Why on Earth is Social Admin a thing when it comes to forming meaningful relationships?

Social Admin should be extremely low down on new parents' social responsibilities.

A new baby has , generally, two sets of grandparents. Why should a new mum's parents top trump ? Why should a new mum dictate everything?

Why should extended family feel the need to pussyfoot around a new mum?

It's a family thing.

Really think we should look to other countries and see how new babies are integrated into families.

We're in danger of becoming insular and self centred, with a massive dose of 'how dare you!'

But it's not a cash gift for the DIL, it's a present to the whole family.

Families are complicated, I wouldn't however spite my whole family because I don't like one person in it. Some people are petty beyond belief tbh

Yes. Imagine being in the position to give your grandchild a better childhood and start to life...but you won't because your DIL doesn't kiss your arse to a high enough standard.

Lucky-- ITA! 💯
I think some people are always either looking for excuses or making up excuses for behaving the way they do.

If the DIL has MH issues than she needs to get help/medication. It's not an all-inclusive excuse to be rude and disrespectful.

You would give someone £50k and they don't like you. Is that what you're saying to give her a meal tiket.

Perhaps you should check with your son if he is contributing equally to parenting and running the household including mental load.

Household inequality is often the cause of moodiness in mothers of young children.