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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:37

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:30

I 100% don't disagree if the gift was just going to one person. You're not obligated to gift anyone anything, and you don't even need a reason to justify why not.

But when you decided to do it and withdraw based on something pretty, in turn also spiting other people, don't you think that's very petty behaviour?

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It's not petty though is it? The DIL's behaviour is upsetting the OP and her DH. Their feelings are just as valid as hers. You do not reward someone who treats you like this. You would be an absolute mug to. I've done it myself with my own MIL ironically! Ignored low level shitiness for a long time. I wish I had never bothered and will always regret handing over money, doing favours for her etc. I cannot stand people who think they have a right to affect others around them so negatively. Im guessing the OP has got to that point herself at the grand age of 48! I dont blame her one bit. Hopefully, at least the son will reflect. I doubt it though.

Stillcantbebothered · 16/07/2023 18:37

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:18

Any normal person would give someone grace to try to understand why they're behaving like this. Rather than get offended and spite their son and grandchild.

Maybe my family and my DHs family are just more kind and gracious rather than petty and self absorbed

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Yea and from her update OP has given many chances but you all act like it was just one incidence of tea and bam they withdrew the money when it’s not.

She clearly states she has always been aloof and they have tried too ignore it many times. When they pull away son reaches out that’s she’s not happy they are not seeing their child and when they come close she pushes them away and now to the extent ignoring them . Heck no that’s so disrespectful and I hope no one in your family treats each other like that.

That’s kind basic decency to say hello to your in laws who came to visit you. I can’t even phantom your logic here. That OP should continue to be a foot mat to someone who obviously disdains her and doesn’t even hadn’t the freaking decency to say hello???

sunshinesupermum · 16/07/2023 18:34

SadMil please ignore the trolls who think manners are 'old fashioned' plus their ageism thinking, mistakenly, you are old. And you are right £59k is a lot of dosh.

Dweetfidilove · 16/07/2023 18:32

Zood · 16/07/2023 17:42

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

Utter foolishness.

How anyone survives in these fractious, pernickety relationships is beyond me.

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:30

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:28

Same @Miajk I am generous myself. However, I would never gift anyone who didn't treat me well. The least I would expect would be basic manners. I understand that you disagree but I'm 40 years old and have met men and women like the OP's DIL (and son!) They rely on the fact that people are 'too nice' to say anything and desperate to be liked. I dont have time for that shit anymore. Its very freeing. Its always better for your own mental wellbeing to take yourself out of the game. Always.

I 100% don't disagree if the gift was just going to one person. You're not obligated to gift anyone anything, and you don't even need a reason to justify why not.

But when you decided to do it and withdraw based on something pretty, in turn also spiting other people, don't you think that's very petty behaviour?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:29

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 18:28

Yes, and clearly her son has chosen the opposite to the teenager parenting he got.

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Jesus lol. You are soo desperate to dig at OP its bloody tragic.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:28

Same @Miajk I am generous myself. However, I would never gift anyone who didn't treat me well. The least I would expect would be basic manners. I understand that you disagree but I'm 40 years old and have met men and women like the OP's DIL (and son!) They rely on the fact that people are 'too nice' to say anything and desperate to be liked. I dont have time for that shit anymore. Its very freeing. Its always better for your own mental wellbeing to take yourself out of the game. Always.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 16/07/2023 18:28

@CovertImage What, by painting her portrait whilst she napped? You're pretty determined to pin something on the OP eh?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 This is bloody brilliant

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 18:28

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 18:20

Is noone else noticing the op is less than 10 years older than her? It's not a parental relationship 🤣🤣

Yes, and clearly her son has chosen the opposite to the teenager parenting he got.

Suunnyd · 16/07/2023 18:27

I really think you have made a mistake by withdrawing your previous offer of money for a home if you ever wantes relations to improve. I can see why you and DH are upset but from what you have said, the relationship wasnt exactly at rock bottom?

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 18:26

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 18:20

Is noone else noticing the op is less than 10 years older than her? It's not a parental relationship 🤣🤣

Yes I talked about it ages ago, replying to the OP when she asked why the DiL might find her patronising. Ignored though. The story of my MN life Grin

carduelis · 16/07/2023 18:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 18:25

Iamtheonwandlonely · 16/07/2023 18:23

If this was one of your friends @SadMil you'd be applauded for having boundaries.
But because it's you Dil you're supposed to suck it up.

But it’s a totally different prospect to risk a relationship with son and grandchild than a friend?

Mumtothreegirlies · 16/07/2023 18:23

Sometimes depressed people take it out on the wrong people. How supportive is your son being?
I would maybe write her a letter and express how you’re feeling and tell her you’re always there if she needs you.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 16/07/2023 18:23

If this was one of your friends @SadMil you'd be applauded for having boundaries.
But because it's you Dil you're supposed to suck it up.

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:20

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:16

You would be a doormat if you gave money to someone who treated you badly. I wouldn't take money from anyone so I have no axe to grind. I would feel awful taking a large amount of money from anyone. Always felt the same. My parents and FIL are 'comfortable' wouldn't occur to me to take anything from them. It theirs, for them to enjoy.

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My DHs parents gave us the house deposit because they take great joy in being able to share what they have and see their family thrive.

I would give my family whatever I had and could, and wouldn't punish them all because one person doesn't live up to my standards.

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 18:20

Quitelikeit · 16/07/2023 18:15

No there is much more to it than that. Not a cup of tea and lack of thank you. It’s a persistent issue of bad attitude and disrespect

id never hand over money if the relationship was 2 years in and if I did I’d make sure it was ring fenced legally

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Ring fence it is exactly what I would've done. Drawn up a legal doc that says the £50k is a gift to DS alone and in the event of them splitting should be including in his equity share. No need for petty point scoring.

And I disagree – OP has offered no evidence of any other major clashing issues other than the present and cuppa while acknowledging her DIL, who is bipolar and struggling with her mental health, tends to be withdrawn. She just doesn't like her and doesn't approve.

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 18:20

Is noone else noticing the op is less than 10 years older than her? It's not a parental relationship 🤣🤣

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 18:20

Nanaof1 · 16/07/2023 18:18

I will bet that you wouldn't agree to go to a panto and then sit there with a coat over your head.

If the OP and her DH put the money into a trust fund for the DGC, then the person who it needs to benefit will benefit.

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Right...the Panto...taking a 6 month old baby to a Panto is normal? Apparently baby enjoyed herself too according to the OP 😂

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 18:19

WhatADrabCarpet · 16/07/2023 18:04

@Led921900
Why on Earth is Social Admin a thing when it comes to forming meaningful relationships?

Social Admin should be extremely low down on new parents' social responsibilities.

A new baby has , generally, two sets of grandparents. Why should a new mum's parents top trump ? Why should a new mum dictate everything?

Why should extended family feel the need to pussyfoot around a new mum?

It's a family thing.

Really think we should look to other countries and see how new babies are integrated into families.

We're in danger of becoming insular and self centred, with a massive dose of 'how dare you!'

I don’t know what you’re getting at, all I’m saying is it invariably falls down to the woman to do all the gifting and thank you’s. It’s sexist and exhausting. In our family I look after it all for my relations and encourage DH to do it for his. I’m not sure he does and unfortunately this seems to reflect badly on me for some reason….

Regards our children as newborns I’m not sure I did dictate much but would certainly feel I had a right to when as newborns they were attached to me feeding if they weren’t sleeping and I was doing almost all the primary carer!

Nanaof1 · 16/07/2023 18:18

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:06

Actually I have a lovely MIL.

If I was moody, or whatever, she would probably be genuinely concerned and not so self absorbed she'd think it's always about her.

When she and my FIL gifted us a house deposit, there weren't string attached about how much gratitude I need to show.

She's very respectful, kind, generous. That's why I know having a MIL like OP would be hell.

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I will bet that you wouldn't agree to go to a panto and then sit there with a coat over your head.

If the OP and her DH put the money into a trust fund for the DGC, then the person who it needs to benefit will benefit.

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 18:18

That's your answer then. You have no authority or advice to give she won't treat you like a mil. You are basically the same age. I am her age and my husband is older than you. Why are you treating her like a kid when you are the same generation? Also a 39 Yr old new mother likely thinks you made a terrible mistake having a baby at 18 and won't want too much influence on her child, your values clash.

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:18

Stillcantbebothered · 16/07/2023 18:14

How does her gift come with strings attached? Do you ignore your “lovely” MIL when they visit you? If that is strings attached to you then damn yeah I will attach strings of basic respect and decency if I am gifting you £50k.

Are you really telling me the relationship with your MIL will be lovely if you ignore her and can’t even show gratitude when they do something for our child?

Why don’t you try it as an experiment and let us know how quickly the lovely relationship will change? Go on try it and come back and report. Next time she comes to you just walk past and ignore her, is she asks Look at her with disdain and tell her nothing. Tell your husband he must not she’s anything with her and just tell her he can’t say.

You will be a big liar if you claim your relationship ship will stay the same and your lovely MIL will gladly gift you huge sums while you treat her like she doesn’t matter. Go on show us.

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Any normal person would give someone grace to try to understand why they're behaving like this. Rather than get offended and spite their son and grandchild.

Maybe my family and my DHs family are just more kind and gracious rather than petty and self absorbed

Stillcantbebothered · 16/07/2023 18:16

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 18:13

All these comments about OP being right to not hand money over to an ungrateful so-and-so are missing the point. It's OP's DS and grandchild who are missing out too. All because DIL didn't fall at their feet to thank them for a gift and didn't drink a cup of tea she hadn't been asked if she wanted. So unbelievably petty.

Well OPs son has taken his stance and I respect his response so the gift can be kept in trust for the grandchild’s future.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 18:16

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 18:09

@Miajk

i would just feel like a doormat giving money to someone who treat me badly. Family or not.

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You would be a doormat if you gave money to someone who treated you badly. I wouldn't take money from anyone so I have no axe to grind. I would feel awful taking a large amount of money from anyone. Always felt the same. My parents and FIL are 'comfortable' wouldn't occur to me to take anything from them. It theirs, for them to enjoy.