Struggling with DIL

The op wants a relationship that's the purpose of this thread but dil doesn't seem bothered.

Which begs the question, why is OP trying to force it? How will that lead to anything but resentment?

She could just focus on her relationship with her son and grandchild, but they are barely mentioned in the updates.

What is the strings attached? Can't see where OP has said she expects anything from DIL apart from a bit of manners.

OP, did your DIL even want the money?

OP she sounds very rude and lacking in basic manners.

You've done the right thing withdrawing the money. Ungrateful cow doesn't deserve it quite frankly.

The op wants a relationship that's the purpose of this thread but dil doesn't seem bothered.

So the op should hand over her cash for that reason.

Well if they separate the OP may well see her grandchild a lot more than she does now.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.
You don't need to acknowledge a handmade gift for your child because the person who made it isn't your father.
You can ignore two of the guests in your home because they're not your parents.
On the other hand you're entitled to benefit from a significant financial windfall from those same people who...well, still aren't your parents.
There is no way on earth I'd be financially benefitting someone who acted this way.
This woman's behaviour is unacceptable by any possible measure. The only reason this isn't unanimously agreed is because a MiL is on the receiving end.

Was this her birthday? Who invited you, her or him? The tea thing is weird. so she didn't drink the tea. maybe she had to piss, maybe she just wanted to pop in and having tea would lead to a long visit.
Maybe she is a pain in the ass. We can't possibly know.

OP, rudeness is rudeness and what you do with your 50k is upto you but the dynamic of a 48 year old trying to perceive/ establish a relationship with a 39 year old as a daughter is very tricky. If your son had settled with a girl of 26 you might have more success in trying to parent her. This woman is effectively your peer and so I think discussing her moods/ mental health/ parenting with your son is going to go down like a lead balloon with her. I think the power play between the two of you is more in evidence than you are acknowledging. The focus on her looks, how smitten your son is and the suggestion that she rules the roost and might be using him to get a baby are all fairly negative points of view. These initial things you said seemed to be based on nothing more than the fact that she is beautiful and your son might be putting her first which is as it should be. Also the idea that you think that she might just using your son because at 39 she is desperate for a baby is frankly pretty offensive and if my partner had ever let slip that his mother thought something like that about me I would find it very difficult to see any overtures of friendship from her as anything other than completely fake.

Why are pp piling on the op? If someone, anyone had brought a gift for my child. I would make damn sure to thank them once it had been opened if not before. It's common courtesy, Eve n if you didn't like the gift you at least acknowledge it.
If tea is her usual drink she could easily said that she didn't fancy it not be a rude fucker.
You're not wrong to be upset op and perfectly right to not give them the money. I wouldn't be giving my hard earned money to someone who can't be bothered to speak to me.

It’s her money she can do what she wants with it. By your logic DIL has won as well right? The evil MIL will stay away and relationship with her son is now strained but DIL has him all yo herself hurrayyyy

You have had a hard time on here op because there are plenty of DIL's on MN! I think you had doubts about DIL and her behaviour has solidified those misgivings with you. Yes, she has been rude as though she wants to hurt and punish you. You are right not to hand over the money - I was badgered by my own dd to buy her a house and in my heart I did not want to. She had already left us to bring up her two sons. If your gut tells you something is wrong financially, then it is.

I am a MIL and also a DIL. My PILs were not kind to me and I did my very best to please them but it was never enough because I was not who they wanted for their son. When they started treating our children in the way they had treated me, then I decided not to see them again. A decision I have never ever regretted. I am telling you this because if you push your ds and your DIL too hard this could be the result. I am not projecting, just telling you an outcome you do not want.

That said, the withdrawal of the money and the fact you are out in the open with your criticism has put you on shaky ground. I would back off. Maintain contact with your ds and your gc as best you can. I wish you all well.

Surely it works both ways though? If your in-laws don’t treat you like you’re part of their family, why is it on you to pretend they do?

We don’t know how the hostility started in this case but the person who marries into a family is always at an immediate disadvantage as the outsider. If they aren’t treated like a member of the family then why should the have same obligations as someone who is?

This is a sad and familiar situation - the only thing you can do really is to accept that a close relationship with your DIL is not going to happen, but for the sake of your son and the relationship with your grandchild, swallow your justifiably hurt feelings and keep things on an even keel. Giving the money to your grandchild/ren is a good compromise - it would stick in my craw to give it to their parents, when your DIL is so lacking in kindness and manners.

Literally no one has said that.

My god anyone would think £50k from your parents is a god given right

@SadMil I think you are having a unfairly hard time on this thread. Most of us understand that the incidents you are describing would be trivial when taken in isolation, but it would be upsetting & hurtful to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour all the time. I think your DIL sounds rather unpleasant & I find it hard to believe that someone would behave like that accidentally. Absolutely keep your money in trust for your grandchild. You would be crazy to give your hard earned money to someone who appears to barely tolerate you.

Well OP has "won" hasn't she!

Congratulations.

You can pretend to put 50k "in a trust" and you still have one over on your son. DIL. You can threaten them with that whenever you fancy it.

Agree with every word of this.

Think this whole thread and the OP’s attitude display a worrying lack of understanding of mental health issues tbh. Bipolar disorder isn’t a bit of depression or anxiety - it’s a serious and debilitating medical condition. My cousin has it and is heavily medicated just to function. He will sit and be unable to make conversation or really interact with us, because he is ill and exhausted.

What OP perceived as a lack of manners is probably the extreme effort of the DIL in trying to function and look after a very young baby, particularly for example during the party, where she had to interact with multiple other people (I don’t have mental health issues and I find this exhausting). The tea comment sounds to me like someone overwhelmed and struggling to process new and unexpected information. Not rudeness. People saying “well it’s no excuse for rudeness” are absolutely clueless about the effects of mental illness.

Imagine if the OP’s son had cancer and was fighting a daily battle with exhaustion, irritability and pain and then DIL’s parents decided on the basis of one comment or perceived slight that he was ungrateful and rude and let it colour their whole relationship. Would the OP think that was fair and reasonable, or would she be rightly appalled at the lack of empathy?!

I think OP displays a lot of internalised misogyny, the comments about the DILbeing older and attractive and essentially trapping her son are very revealing.

Also OP should bear in mind that bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component - there are very high odds that her grandchild will also suffer from it. Might be time to work on her understanding of it and her empathy levels.

I don't know if you're still reading OP but I agree with you that your dil sounds awful. I would suspect she either has a personality disorder or has taken a dislike to you for some reason, not that that excuses downright rudeness. And people with depression or other mental health issues are not necessarily rude.

The dislike could be more for your son than you, and as at least one poster suggested, she could be projecting. It sounds like possibly she leapt into this relationship very quickly, had a baby early on and is finding it is not actually what she wants.

I do think you were very mean-spirited to have withdrawn the financial offer based on this though. Surely you care for the welfare of your own son and grandchild regardless of your feelings for his partner? They still need a home. Were you imagining it would all soon be over and she would run off with the baby and your money?

SadMil I'd recommend you ask for this thread to be taken down before one of the papers homes in on it.

I would like to hear the other side too tbh

I'm fine thanks, no tragedy here.

"Lol"