Page 14 | Struggling with DIL

SadMil · 2023-07-16T08:20:07+00:00

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude. I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive. She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed. I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods. my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you. Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it. I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated. This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad. should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 19:45

Does anyone have any actual solutions for the OP??

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:44

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:02

Again though, the op sounds like she thinks she is a full adult who can give advice and money.
To the dil she was an irresponsible teenage parent who is trying to act like a parent to someone 9 years older than her. Who has a more sorted life etc. She likely stays quiet to try not to offend or laugh at this woman who thinks she can offer advice. Probably a bit much also having your child's nan be so similar in age to you. And the op is being silly anyway, generally you ask not just give people drinks when they walk in and usually if your son thanks you for their daughters present you don't expect another thank you from the dil.

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That young teenage mother did pretty well for herself to be able to offer a large deposit. Your post comes across as sour.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 19:43

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:31

@Anklespraying

wow!
and you’re think I’m rude??
that’s a horribly rude thing you had just said. You have no idea what OP’s teenage parenting was like.

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Well if course I don't, that's why I was talking about her sons choice.

carduelis · 16/07/2023 19:42

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Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:42

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:25

That's the thing about older wiser women, they don't feel as obligated to tolerate or put up with others they don't like. I don't think it matters much to your DIL if you like her or not. She's not some young people pleaser who feels like she needs to turn herself inside out for the approval of her in laws.

Same goes for OP. A wiser older woman who doesn't put up with being treated like shit.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:38

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

What makes you say that or are you just posting that to be mean and unhelpful?

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:38

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Horrific 😂

The dramatics and exaggeration on here is hilarious. Horrific, seriously? In what way does the OP sound horrific?

Glitterblue · 16/07/2023 19:35

I can’t believe how much of a hard time you’ve been given over this, OP. It sounds exactly like the situation my best friend’s parents are in with their DIL. They’ve been nothing but warm and welcoming towards her for the 15 years she’s been in the family, they adore the 3 grandchildren but the DIL is so rude and moody towards them and constantly tries to keep them away from the children. They’re not the type of people to swoop in and take over but they want to be involved as grandparents. They were rarely allowed to even hold them or indeed look at them in the pram when the children were babies and when they visit, their son makes them welcome but DIL hardly even speaks to them. They’ve always treated her like another daughter but they’ve reached the point where she’s hurt them so often they are struggling now. They so desperately want to be involved in the children’s lives and she won’t let them - when their son is there he does but if he’s at work it’s a different story. The children are 7, 10 and 13 now and they want to see their grandparents so at least they’ve reached the age where they can decide for themselves that they do want a relationship.

I hope you’re ok, OP. I’d never be like that as a DIL, I couldn’t be so rude. I was brought up to think about how I’m treating others and to treat them as I would like to be treated myself.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:35

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

@Boomboom22

how do you know she waited?! Maybe she didn’t want kids before.
some really judgemental attitudes towards teen mums here

Muu · 16/07/2023 19:35

It sounds like she’s put her foot in it socially/with her manners but I would cut her a little slack if she’s recovering from a bipolar episode and has a small child. Also it sounds like you don’t click that well at the best of times anyway.

I don’t blame you for the money decision at all. If I was going to give someone that amount I’d need to feel happy about it!

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 19:33

@Olive19741205 but why was OP not annoyed at her son’s lack of manners? He didn’t thank his dad either!

I agree if this was reversed -

i knit a beautiful sleep suit for my grandchild. My daughter said thank you when I handed it to her but she didn’t open it. I am now incandescent with rage that my son in law hasn’t contacted me to thank me.

said no one ever.

momonpurpose · 16/07/2023 19:33

5128gap · 16/07/2023 18:55

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.
You don't need to acknowledge a handmade gift for your child because the person who made it isn't your father.
You can ignore two of the guests in your home because they're not your parents.
On the other hand you're entitled to benefit from a significant financial windfall from those same people who...well, still aren't your parents.
There is no way on earth I'd be financially benefitting someone who acted this way.
This woman's behaviour is unacceptable by any possible measure. The only reason this isn't unanimously agreed is because a MiL is on the receiving end.

I agree with this! And I say this with the ex MIL from hell. I see no where where OP is unreasonable

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:32

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:12

What was the context of going the pantomime, OP? Do you all like the pantomime? Did the baby go too?

It's really not my cup of tea (do you see what I did there) and I have a horrible feeling that if forced to go to spend an evening with Widow Twanky out of social obligation, I might end up on my phone looking at MN ... I can imagine it would be exactly the sort of thing my ExH and PiLs would put me through, and by the point of the final appalling camping trip in the rain one summer my fixed smile was faltering big time.

Why on earth would you agree to these outings/trips if they're not your thing? Couldn't you just have said thanks for the offer but not my thing? 'Forced' to go?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:31

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 18:28

Yes, and clearly her son has chosen the opposite to the teenager parenting he got.

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@Anklespraying

wow!
and you’re think I’m rude??
that’s a horribly rude thing you had just said. You have no idea what OP’s teenage parenting was like.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:27

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Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 19:24

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:13

You should really RTFT before commenting. Another poster tried to highlight the cup of tea as if that was the only issue. Here's a little reminder

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

The fact that you think she can treat OP like this and OP is not to dare question it is baffling. If DIL is 'relieved' not to be getting a house deposit from OP now (I highly doubt it) then problem solved eh? I wouldn't give anyone a substantial amount of money if they dared to come to my house and blank me, family or not.

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Oh wait...you forgot she "hid under her coat" at the pantomime supposedly.

OP doesn't state if the DIL was always like this with her. In fact she doesn't mention what DIL was like when they first met, or on their wedding day, or while she was pregnant. Surely we would of been treated to those delights if the DIL had been rude.

It seems this "rudeness" by DIL has come on suddenly. Which leaves me thinking... what changed? Perhaps it's all down to post natal depression or maybe OP has caused some offence.

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 19:18

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/07/2023 18:56

Well if they separate the OP may well see her grandchild a lot more than she does now.

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And if they don't separate? There is nothing to say they have a bad relationship. If anything, he sound pretty loyal to her by honouring her request not to discuss her private business with his mother.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:13

GreenNoel94 · 16/07/2023 16:23

I bet the DIL is so relieved to not be getting that money. FFS she’s a new mum, she’s probably hormonal and anxious then throw in there a trying to keep stabilised a serious mental illness. She must be absolutely exhausted and you’re picking at minor things like drinking a cup of tea. Let’s face it she’s older than your son, she’s beautiful and she’s taken away his affections and you don’t like it. Why on earth would your ds speak about her feelings and emotions on the phone to you? It’s none of your business.
She’s better off without your money.

You should really RTFT before commenting. Another poster tried to highlight the cup of tea as if that was the only issue. Here's a little reminder

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

The fact that you think she can treat OP like this and OP is not to dare question it is baffling. If DIL is 'relieved' not to be getting a house deposit from OP now (I highly doubt it) then problem solved eh? I wouldn't give anyone a substantial amount of money if they dared to come to my house and blank me, family or not.

PussInBin20 · 16/07/2023 19:06

I think she is “testing” you, like a child pushing the boundaries with their parents. She doesn’t want to like you, so is pushing each time for you to snap - so then she has a legitimate reason not to like you.

I wonder if this has something to do with her own upbringing/parents and that maybe she resents the fact that you can do all these nice things for them but her own parents don’t/can’t. I maybe completely wrong but I can’t understand why she would dislike you so much but you are also not allowed to know the reason!

in any case, if you are a MIL or stepmother on MN you know to expect a hard time! I’m with you OP and I would not be able to not have it out with my own offspring, as it’s quite ridiculous.

carduelis · 16/07/2023 19:02

Taking the lack of thanks for the gift in isolation (I know there’s MUCH more going on, but I’m trying to highlight the sexism here), imagine reading this:

”DH made our grandchild a lovely thing and took it to their party. Our DD acknowledged it at the time but our SIL has never thanked him. DH now wants nothing to do with SIL.”

Is everyone as outraged with the hypothetical SIL in that situation as they are with the DIL in the one on this thread…?

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 19:02

Stillcantbebothered · 16/07/2023 18:50

It’s her money she can do what she wants with it. By your logic DIL has won as well right? The evil MIL will stay away and relationship with her son is now strained but DIL has him all yo herself hurrayyyy

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She is doing what she wants with it. Two years ago she told them they needed a home and told them that her largesse would make thus happen.

Two years later the cup of tea/funny look/bored at an age inappropriate pantomime incidents have now set OP off to consult her and the carpenter's private bankers and wealth managers to get a family trust set up. The 50k will be locked away for 40 or so years at a legal fees cost of about probably 40k in total over 40 years.

She's doing exactly what she wants!

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:02

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:09

People's behaviour tells you a lot about who they are.

You're making assumptions about how shallow I am based on this thread too, so pot, kettle or something rings a bell..

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Take responsibility for what you are posting.

SerafinasGoose · 16/07/2023 19:02

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 18:43

Well OP has "won" hasn't she!

Congratulations.

You can pretend to put 50k "in a trust" and you still have one over on your son. DIL. You can threaten them with that whenever you fancy it.

Well, that depends.

It depends on whether someone's need to be 'right' - and given her own far from polite responses to PPs it's clear OP has a hard time accepting she is anything but - is preferred over having a meaningful relationship with their son and grandchild/ren.

I've encountered similar scenarios, both on and offline, and it's quite surprising how often people choose the former.

Priorities.

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:02

Onelifeonly · 16/07/2023 18:40

I don't know if you're still reading OP but I agree with you that your dil sounds awful. I would suspect she either has a personality disorder or has taken a dislike to you for some reason, not that that excuses downright rudeness. And people with depression or other mental health issues are not necessarily rude.

The dislike could be more for your son than you, and as at least one poster suggested, she could be projecting. It sounds like possibly she leapt into this relationship very quickly, had a baby early on and is finding it is not actually what she wants.

I do think you were very mean-spirited to have withdrawn the financial offer based on this though. Surely you care for the welfare of your own son and grandchild regardless of your feelings for his partner? They still need a home. Were you imagining it would all soon be over and she would run off with the baby and your money?

Again though, the op sounds like she thinks she is a full adult who can give advice and money.
To the dil she was an irresponsible teenage parent who is trying to act like a parent to someone 9 years older than her. Who has a more sorted life etc. She likely stays quiet to try not to offend or laugh at this woman who thinks she can offer advice. Probably a bit much also having your child's nan be so similar in age to you. And the op is being silly anyway, generally you ask not just give people drinks when they walk in and usually if your son thanks you for their daughters present you don't expect another thank you from the dil.