Struggling with DIL

OP regardless of who is right of wrong etc, you have little power in this relationship and your actions will affect your relationship with your son and granddaughter. So you need to decide what your priorities are. Being right? Or just having some distance but sucking it up so that you don’t ruin relationships.

It might be the case that you don’t like DIL and think she’s rude. But your son chose her and she’s now a part of your family whether you like it or not. Sucks but you just have to learn to coexist with her in a peaceful way and forget the things that annoy you.

This poster is a bit unhinged. Reason won’t get through to her, I’m afraid!

I don’t owe you anything. I gave my honest advice to the OP—you can continue to attack me personally, though you know nothing about me. It’s pathetic, but you do you.

No backward bending going on here. I just find it odd that in the space of about four comments OP went from mentioning DIL's mental health possibly impacting her behaviour to calling up her son to say she and her DH were withdrawing the offer of helping them out to buy a house. I suspect DIL could be the friendliest person ever and OP would still have found an excuse to do this, because deep down she doesn't approve of her son having a child really quickly in a new relationship with a woman that's older than him.

So your son thanked you for the gift (which was for the child and not either parent) neither of them said anymore. You were greeted and welcomed to the party. Why are you both annoyed with her? You made her a drink without asking whether she wanted one or what she wanted and expected gratitude. Some people would consider that a bit rude. I think you just need to reframe your expectations, your son is the primary relationship, it sounds like you’re channeling negativity into her.

What's that got to do with anything? They're not my PIL who I have a relationship with. The parents of a child who is a friend of my child are not my family.

They all, without exception, have periods where they cannot cope with social interaction and will withdraw from people, either completely or selectively, and invariably unintentionally behave in ways that appear rude to others for periods.

But the OP has known this woman for two years and she has always been like this. And how is OP to understand what might be going on with her DIL if it's never really spoken about, more hinted at?

I wonder whether the son had any real idea of what he could be facing when they married? I'm sure I've read an article that 80-90% of marriages where one partner is bi-polar end in divorce, and anyone who's been close to someone suffering from the disorder will understand why. I have and I know how bad it cam get. I've visited bi-polar friends on the psych ward.

Oh this should be good. Right, point out to me where I've 'misread' your comment...I'll wait. This from the person who said...

the fact that you think DIL is responsible for thanking you for the gift and not your own child speaks volumes

Ironic that YOU 'misread' the OPs post that her own child did thank them. Also, you think there's no need to thank people who gift YOUR child things...but I'M rude?

But she can’t demonstrate even a basic level of civility? Nah bruv - people are bending over backwards to get the DIL off the hook - don’t know why… there is no excuse for what the op has described.

I've often known it happen where people with BPD can be perfectly ok interacting with some people, but find others totally overwhelming or intimidating.

Actually, we don't know if there was no acknowledgement AFTER the party – @SadMil just said that the DIL didn't thank them in the moment and that's what upset them. For all we know, they could've sent thank-you cards out to everyone who bought presents.

Not just annoyed at her but “wants nothing more to do with her”.

I have lost count of the number of people I’d no longer be speaking to if I decided that every time only one member of a couple thanked me for something I’d refuse to have anything to do with the other half…

Why are people getting so angry and aggressive on this thread😊.

the son said thank you when his dad handed him the unopened gift and the son placed it in the gift table.

there was no further acknowledgment from either the son or DIL ‘He was so pleased with himself, we had no further acknowledgment from either of them. He was upset by this’

i don’t think you read the full thread - or understood my post

I don't think you know how to read with comprehension.

OP wasn't planning to give her DIL a fat check for personal spending, it was meant to be for the whole family. It's petty to withdraw over issues with one person in the family unit. But I'm sure you'll find a way to ignore the point completely again

He didn't. After the party when the gift was open neither of them thanked the granddad for his hard work. But he's annoyed at her for that.

Or maybe they feel more relaxed and at ease with their condition around people they know and trust and who won't judge them, like close friends.

she sounds like a rude cow-you dont ignore someone through a whole party because youre busy

you dont ignore someone at their house because youre in a mood

you dont ignore someone getting your child a present-and before someone says her son said thanks thats when they walked in with it not after

she doesnt ignore everyone else so yes she a rude bitch

i doubt she'll be around formuch longer when she realises she not geting any money

Yes he did. Why are people commenting on things when they've clearly not RTFT?

Yes but if someone walks into a room, is lovely to some people and ignores others, you can't blame bi polar for that.

Thank goodness someone has pointed out how bi-polar disorder affects people's ability to manage social and family relationships!

I have friends and family members who are bipolar, and have worked with clients with MH issues for the best part of 20 years. They all, without exception, have periods where they cannot cope with social interaction and will withdraw from people, either completely or selectively, and invariably unintentionally behave in ways that appear rude to others for periods. This poor woman has been through massive changes in her life in the last couple of years, and managing this will have been enormously challenging for her.

Expecting someone who is bipolar to observe social niceties consistently is futile, OP. But I don't think you should give them the money, either, not because she doesn't deserve it, but because your desire for acknowledgment and gratitude will not be met consistently and I think your expectations for how she should behave will never be met.

God I’ve just read all of the OP’s responses and she’s demonstrated a high level of patience to some absolutely batshit posts. It’s vitriol central. I dread to think of the psychological warfare they wage on their own poor MILs!

Good God… we mothers of sons really have to watch our p’s and q’s don’t we? Not one iota of mercy or empathy allowed if we don’t play every single word and breath by the DIL’s rules! Thank God my own DIL (to-be I hope) is an absolute joy.

But OP said in her early comments that she's aware DIL's mental health issues could have an impact on how she is. So one minute her MH can be a factor, but the minute the MN crowd piles in with its 'cut the bitch off' mentality those MH issues can be conveniently forgotten?

I second that.

Having bipolar is not the same as going through chemotherapy FFS

This is the most ridiculous post on this thread and that's saying something. The whole post is just made up nonsense.

@Anklespraying

you were making an insinuation that OP’s parenting was inferior compared to her DIL on account of her being a teenage mother. You know you were. That’s not a very nice thing to do.