Struggling with DIL

Have you been googling things not to say to pregnant women there OP?

It's too late.

I still think you should thank someone for something even if you don’t like it, particularly if someone spent ages making it for you.

I also that think if you aren’t thanked for something, saying you want no more to do with the person not doing the thanking is not a remotely proportionate reaction.

But the point I was trying to make was that whatever the reason for the lack of a thank you, it makes no sense at all to blame your child’s partner more than your own child.

Angry? Yes he did. Why are people commenting on things when they've clearly not RTFT? What part of my comment there is angry? Seriously, stop making stuff up, you've made stuff up a few times through the thread.

You initially said but why was OP not annoyed at her son’s lack of manners? He didn’t thank his dad either!

When it was pointed out to you that the son DID thank him, you're now changing it to the son said thank you when his dad handed him the unopened gift and the son placed it in the gift table but you say I don't understand your post?😂😂

But but but Disney stool and tea boohoooooo

I agree with you there. The GPs are lacking in emotional intelligence getting so upset over these little things.

But but but Disney stool and tea boohoooooo I think you hit the nail on the head.

Yes I do. As I said, you're a CF who thinks it's ok to treat people like shit and then take their money. Shame on you. You can dress it up as "comprehension" bullshit all you like.😂

And you continue to pick those 2 issues like that’s all and ignore the huge flag of her IGNORING her in laws who come to her event. But but but Disney stool and tea boohoooooo

Maybe they just think it's a shit gift? Maybe it's Disney pink and princessy and they don't want their DD indoctrinated with the whole 'girls like pink, boys like blue' message and the PILs know that but ignored it? They are allowed to not like the gift.

Surely the real problem with the lack of thanks for the gift is that although the son thanked them at the time, this was before he knew what the gift was - therefore neither the son nor the DIL has acknowledged the thought, care and effort that went into the gift. I agree it’s fair to expect some gratitude for a gift like that but the son is equally culpable if the real issue is the non-acknowledgement of how special the gift was.

Ah okay. So the son forgot all about his dad's woodworking gift and now his dad wants nothing to do with his sons partner. That's good manners?

It's more to do with bad manners and ingratitude. There's nothing wrong with expecting appreciation for your efforts from dil and son.

The grandfather is also pretty stand offish and moody!

She was stand offish and moody but nowhere near the same extent
@Luxell934 did you miss this bit in your keenness to make the op the bad guy?

The problem is that OPs husband has said he wants nothing further to do with his son's partner, the mother of his grand daughter.

He was very upset that his son didn't say anything nice about the carpentry work he did for his son's baby. He's blaming this on the baby's mother.

This stool with a Disney character is the center of the story. The money for a home is not as important as the stool.

This man's whittling with wood has not been appreciated enough and is at the heart of this family breakdown. It's more complicated than just the son impregnating a woman close to his mother's age. His dad wasn't thanked enough for his engraving.

And the cup of tea was left in the wrong place.

Are you quite alright?

I think some of us just have more sympathy/compassion/understanding for people with mental health difficulties. I know a number of people with depression and BD - if they even leave the house on a "down day" it is commendable, and I appreciate any effort they put in to spending time with me when things are bad. I would never judge them for having a sour face, not drinking a cup of tea, or not indulging me with social niceties.

I think some people are giving you a hard time OP.
I think the fact that you are only 9 years older, but are the MIL may make things complicated and awkward. Personally I would not be handing over large amounts of money.
However, I would try and build a friendship with your DS’ partner. You are pretty much contemporaries.

I agree with this.

She does sound unpleasant. There could be plenty of reasons why however and you'll never know unless you discuss it. I think the only option is for all four of you to sit down and have a frank and open discussion. Myself and my husband had issues with his mother a few years ago and we didn't speak for a while, eventually we sat down together and had an in-depth discussion. She told me what I did that pissed her off and vice versa as well as my husband discussing his issues. It really helped as there were things I'd said/done i hadn't been conscious of and it was the same for her. It might be that there's issues on both sides and you need to talk about them and clear the air. If you have doubts about her then she may have picked up on that despite how hard you may have tried to hide it and so will automatically be stand offish. It will likely prove very cathartic to get everything off your chest and to hear from her as to why she has such a problem with you. She will always be in your life as the mother of your grandchild and so you need to find a way forward. If she refuses to engage with you however and continues to behave badly then at least you have tried your best as you of course can't force a relationship.

Hi @SadMil I think it is still really early days in the new baby’s life, your DIL’s life as a mum and your life as a grandma. Everyone is getting used to new roles plus your son and DIL are exhausted. It’s very common for there to be family and MIL/DIL fallouts at this stage and I would urge you not to burn bridges as most relationships settle down over time.

There are also maybe some issues specific to your situation which warrant more consideration in particular your DIL’s mental health and the fact that your son and DIL got pregnant very quickly. It sounds objectively stressful. Also, unusually there are only nine years between you and DIL in age so you need to work out together whether more of a maternal or peer relationship will work best for everyone.

Honestly I would say be the grown up here - she’s in a difficult situation and you want to be friends so be generous towards her and odds are things will improve over time. I know it’s hard to be the bigger person but if you want to be a hands on gran you really have to. Good luck.

Okay, I’ll imagine it with family then. If I send my nieces a birthday present and my sister texts to thank me, should I be furious with my brother-in-law for not also texting to thank me? Because I wouldn’t even notice - unless I already had a problem with him and was looking to be offended.

When a couple host a party it’s perfectly socially acceptable for the one receiving the gifts to thank on behalf of both and welcome guests on behalf of both.