Is my husband’s debt my problem?

The situation you describe sounds a lot like a friend of mine. Actually, we are not really friends anymore because I am too brutally honest about her husband and they're both in denial but she keeps bailing him out along with his side of family. He is an overspender but there's also a gambling and cocaine problem too and she has basically cut me out because I stopped beating around the bush. She's enabling him and you're enabling him too (not saying there's a drug / gambling issue with you) but he's acting like a child. You're right to take control but also are you sure there's no gambling?

I've been in a similar position but not as much money. DH had a debt of a couple of thousand years ago and I paid it off. He was going through a hard time and I thought it would help to have a clean slate. We have completely separate finances.

Last year I found out he had run up a couple of thousand again. He says that it's not my concern because it's his debt and he is paying it off. I don't have debt (apart from mortgage) but he says plenty of people do and it's quite normal to be a few thousand in debt. So it seems we have completely different approaches to finances. I could help pay some of it off but I'm not going to.

It does affect me as he has poor credit so can't get a car on finance for example (which he wants). I really hate it and we have agreed to have a proper conversation this week and agree a way of him getting it all sorted.

Why not just give him pocket money I he can't afford to live within his means?

What small purchases cause this debt?

So you are bailing him out AGAIN? At what point will he start paying back all this debt as at the moment it looks like he is consistently overspending rather than saving to repay any of his debt to you. Why doesn't he pay off his own credit card if the plan is that he will pay this money back?

So you’ve bailed him out again and gone from a situation where he was running up debts in his own name and you were not legally responsible for them to a situation where he can run up debts that you are legally responsible for?

This is going to sound harsh but I am saying this with kindness and the best of intentions.

You are a mug.

He is a leech.

He does not respect you

He is incapable or unwilling to live within his means, it doesn't matter why - the end result is the same.

For the love of God wake up and put whatever spare money you have into private savings that he cannot access.

And divorce the twat. He doesn't think you deserve transparency and uses you as a resource to continue his ridiculous overspending. A petulant, entitled leech.

Well that's hope over experience, if ever I saw it!

Why should he change if there are no consequences for his massive overspending.

I'd be wanting to see what he'd spent £90,000 on personally.

Ask him when he intends to pay you back your inheritance and the savings you contributed to that he used on these debts that you aren't allowed an opinion on.

What’s that old quote - ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result’?

You said back in July/Aug that you’d never bail in out again. What changed? And why would he change his habits if you’ll always bail him out eventually?

He needs to deal with his debt by actually changing his habits and paying it himself. You need to conserve your wealth, frankly, as he sounds a liability.

I don't get it - you've bailed him out twice, yet he maintains that any debt he builds up is his responsibility. And even how the debt builds up each time makes no sense - small over-spends here and there over time. It can't really be that, it must be opening new credit accounts repeatedly over time, which has a very different ring to it. I couldn't put up with this, you should be a team, working together towards a common goal.

You are married so yes. But he needs to do his part. I'd insist on him stepping up and sticking to a plan to pay back the money. Go to marriage counselling if needed. But if he won't engage then he is not playing his part, the marriage will be over and it will not be your fault.

I had debt when I met DH, he supported me to pay it off (never paid any for me but kept me in line when I wanted to buy other things!)

Out of respect I no longer have more debt than I can pay off in full each month. We have joint finances and are honest, open and transparent. Personal debt would be a family problem.

He doesn't want you interfering as it would mean he has to change.

my advice)

1. Never turn unsecured debts into a secured debt I.e add to your mortgage

2. Never add your name to someone elses debt or lend money to cover debts without a guaranteed repayment plan (I.e inheritance, redundancy pay etc)

It won't. Sorry. He's whooping with joy that you've fallen for it again. I do hope I'm wrong but been there, done that. We separated when my children were toddlers, he never contributed a penny for their support.

So much incorrect information on this post.

I know it’s old but being married does not link you financially to someone with debt unless it’s a joint debt, a mortgage or you are their guarantor.

Is he planning to repay your 30K? Hard to see how you'll be "at zero" otherwise.

Oh I didn't realise this was zombie. I read it aghast that someone could run up £30k on 'bits and pieces'!

@SebHH have things improved?

Zombie thread!

Whether it's a marital debt depends on which country/state you live in. If you're in California, you're stuffed. If you're in UK, only loans/debts taken out jointly are your problem.

Everything @ChimneyPot said. It has affected you, and will continue to affect you whether or not you bail him out.

OP I worked as an advisor in debt services for years.

Given what you have written he will not change, if anything he will get worse. You cannot change his behaviour you can only change your response. Will you stay and enable his treatment of you and your family or will you leave.

Someone who was going to change would be remorseful. Your DH isn’t remorseful he feels he is entitled to spend like this.
Someone who wanted to change would have given you full access to their finances the first time they got into debt. Together you would have gone through every Penny he spent during the period he ran up debt to see where the excess spending was happening and come up with a budget to avoid future excess spending and to repay the money he borrowed from your inheritance.
He didn’t do that, he continued his excess spending and felt entitled to do so. He did the exact same thing again and then took money from you and your sister to enable him to continue his spending.
He has told you he will continue to behave this way and feels entitled to do this. You may well find that he has borrowed money from other friends and family too without telling you.
He will continue to suck money from everyone he can because he thinks he is worth it. Worth more than you, your family , his sister, her family, worth more than all of your futures.

If it took 5 years to run up £30k of debt that is £500 each month he took from your pocket and spent on himself.
You have no idea what he has spent the money on other than that he spends it on himself. It could be silly over spending or it could be gambling, drugs, porn or prostitution.
Whatever he it he has consistently put it over you, your family and your future and he has no intention of changing.
There might not be a convenient inheritance or sister to tap the next time. It could be friends or work colleagues if he hasn’t already tapped them. His parents if they are still alive.

He telling you every single day that he is worth more than you, your family and your marriage and that he doesn’t want to change.

Do you want to change or do you want to live like this?

I know that this is harsh but I have seen this so often. It’s really hard to work through when someone is committed to changing but he doesn’t even want to change.

Are you guys a team in marriage or not?
What if you got sick - it's not his problem???

Didn't you agree to walk together as a team - for better or worse, for richer or poorer.. why aren't you a team when it comes to finances?

I don't mean blindly keep paying for his choices - but you both managing finances with your eyes wide open and as a team

Are you married with a mortgage ? Because if yes to either of those then his debt is your debt too because you a tied legally to each other. If he is just a DP then his finances are not linked to yours.

Personally though, I couldn't be with someone who continuously racks up debt and acts like is not a problem...