Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Problems with DH - long rant I'm sorry

27 replies

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 10:20

I've been with DH for 5 years now and I just don't know what normal is meant to be anymore. I think our relationship is mainly platonic. We argue so much, albeit sometimes over the smallest things but it escalates and creates a negative atmosphere. And I know the problem is with me because it takes me ages,.emotionally, to get over arguments.

Since being in this marriage Ive just become more cold, less sentimental, less caring and I've really lost myself. There are lots of things we both need to change but with him its always "I'm working on it, I'm changing" but its like how long do i have to wait. Whereas with me, i just feel if I've done something to annoy him it's world war 3. Whenever I want something done its a huge drama and tbh I find it disrespectful that he can't respect my requests and of course then it turns into me nagging, whereas when he wants something a certain way, I just get on with it. also been many big life events where he's really not been there for me and I'm finding it really hard to let go of this. Even though he's apologised and said he wouldn't do it again (after I explained it to him, didnt realise on his own) , I'm still so hurt by this deep down - mainly because its not just happened on one occasion. Am i being a cow and should i just get over it and move on? Is it normal to always feel annoyed?

Sorry none of this probably makes any sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 11:02

@TizerorFizz thank you for your response. Yeah I guess he didn't have the greatest of upbringings but is in a very good job now and doing well.

I just find it really difficult to get past some of his actions. He can be really selfish at times but yes you're right, finding Mr Perfect doesn't ever happen.

If I'm being honest, I'd say the first few months of us dating were nice but then something happened in the family and he was really not there for me when I needed someone the most. Since then it all went downhill and I did try to call it off but he got really hurt by this and said he would change. I also had pressure from the family to stick with him. And even our wedding time isnt exactly a nice memeory as his family caused a lot of havoc. Even after marriage there have been times ive wanted to call it a day but he doesnt let me. I do feel trapped now. But he's a good guy, not physically abusive, doesn't drink, would never cheat - I guess I should count my blessings instead of focusing on the negatives.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 15/07/2023 10:28

Is it his upbringing? Mine is quite detached too and life is all about him. He’s not in time with others. Sounds like yours. Mine is great at diY and has earned a lot so there are compensations but he’s not a natural at thinking of others. Yes, I agree it’s disappointing but finding the perfect man is a challenge. I think you maybe have to concentrate on his good points. What were they when you married him? Maybe press the reset button.

Aldo don’t directly ask him to do things. Discuss what the agenda might be first - eg do you think we need some more shelves in the lounge? Shall I get a handyman in? Give him options. Negotiate.