Cocaine use

I didn’t say/mean she was dealing. I meant there is a difference in doing an unplanned line on offer at a party Vs. she is potentially the one buying the coke and sharing it with others - that isn’t drug dealing, but it does carry more risk.

Also self medicating for ADHD is such a stretch - experimenting with drugs is a totally normal youthful experience. Maybe someone gave her a line and she put the bag in her pocket and forgot about it. If there aren't obvious signs of drug abuse (going missing for days, not going to work/school, losing weight, poor hygiene) I think it's safe to assume this is an exception.

Anyone who forgets a baggy in their jeans does not have a problem. When the baggies are ripped open and licked clean it's a problem 😂

Pp saying she’s probably dealing because of the bag, would you have her buy it and just hold it in her hand until she wants to use it 😂

op cocaine can actually be calming for people with ADHD, maybe ask her how she feels with it? It can replicate adhd medication for some people, so maybe she’d just like to take more approved drugs that have less risks!

What would concern me is that she had the bag of it on her - it isn’t just a case of her doing a line at a party because it’s there on offer. She’s potentially the one sourcing it and giving it out to others (and carrying it if she was searched by police!).

As a once semi ‘wild child’ who wasn’t particularly close with her mum, I would be hard enough on her that if she’s caught again, she’s out the house, no car etc. and mean it.

You’re welcome. The hardest age to parent. You’re transitioning from parent-child to an adult-adult relationship which is so unbelievably hard on many levels for you both. Go easy on yourself. Also I highly recommend Russel Barkley for adhd help if you haven’t found his stuff already.

I’ve done a lot of reading round but I’d never come across rejection sensitive dismorphia. The description is exactly like her.

Pretty sure my M has it and my DD. Are you able to talk to her at all? Maybe somewhere neutral, if you take her out for a meal?

At least if you know about RSD you might have a better chance of dealing with her

Also this. Cocaine has a similar effect as stimulants on the adhd brain. It’s calming rather than an “upper”.

I’d say not in my house, and she’d need to become more financially independent. But she is working and studying, so it could be worse.

There’s a theory that people with ADHD are 20% younger emotionally than their actual age. So if you take this into consideration, you are communicating with a 15.5 year old (or thereabouts). It’s such a tough age anyway, without adding this into the equation so I really feel for you.

I’d recommend open communication about the risks if she’ll listen to you. Try not to accost her but maybe weave it into another chat when she’s in a communicative mood. Respect her as an adult and her choices, but also stay firm on your boundaries (no drugs in the house etc). I’d absolutely sit down and work out how much she should be paying in rent/towards food/utilities/petrol, as pp have said, if she can afford coke, she should be contributing. I’d be firm on this. I’d also consider the use of the car if she’s potentially driving under the influence. I’d get her to do her own laundry too, but as the mum of an adhd child of the same age they will just walk around in dirty clothes, so that’s a bit hopeless.

As a parent of a few kids, this is by far the hardest age. They’re in and out of the nest and you have to step away, step back in, step away again, but with the neurodivergence and additional needs that come with that, it’s really really tough.

If she has ADHD she is literally self medicating in using Cocaine. I'd look into this and involve her, she needs medication if Cocaine is helpful to her. I know that sounds crazy but it's common for amphetamines and Cocaine, caffeine to help ADHD symptoms hence it commonly comorbids with addiction. Stimulants don't affect adhd in same way.

Whilst I agree that a lot of young people are doing it and have done it before (myself included; pre children), I think she was incredibly disrespectful to bring it into the family home and downplay it.

I would have having some serious talks with her and honestly if she has an attitude about it; tell her to pack her bags.

Yes but that doesn’t make it okay.
Ive worked in rehab clinics with a lot of coke addicts, it’s not normal and people like you need to stop normalising it. Taking cocaine is never normal or okay!

I'd massively open up the communication pathways, tell her found it and know what it is and then talk to her. Cocaine is everywhere for that age group but so are pills and all sorts of other v dangerous stuff, ketamine, fentanyl and worse. My DS was same, I had to build up my relationship in a different way so he would honestly tell me what he had taken, what was around. I told him about the drugs that were around in my teens and told him about the overdoses and early deaths too. He tells me near enough everything and at least I can educate him about amounts, active components, dangers of mixing drugs. It's a toxic culture and anyone with kids would be naive to believe their kids are not vulnerable to it.

I did post that before the OP mentioned ADHD.

Whilst I still think that she's been financially supporting the local drug dealer, ADHD makes things much more complicated than simply cutting her money.

This 100%. I wouldn't be giving her another fucking penny. Many other students don't even have the privilege of a parent who can financially support them at uni and need to get jobs etc. She has beyond taken advantage and is an absolute piss taker thanking you by snorting it away.

Might be worth looking at self medicating ADHD with cocaine.

Pub med link
Self medicating link

If she can afford sniff she can afford rent. Stick a picture of Daniella Westbrook on her bedroom door.

I honestly worry for some of you and your relationship with adult children.

Do you think going all pious and shouting at a teenager (we were all stupid and selfish after all at 19, and I’m 100% certain many of you will have taken drugs yourself at some point) DO YOU LIKE DEAD CHILDREN DO YOU is even in the tiniest bit helpful. Going ballistic and OTT on a guilt trip may be your knee jerk reaction but quite honestly it will be a one way ticket to alienating your child. They are no longer 6, those tactics don’t work. Act a bit more level headed FGS

Act in your Dd's best interests. Her being kicked out, estranged isn't in her interests. Any drastic action will end her time at university. Drug use is common and doesn't damage the lives of a good portion of people who try them out. You need to address her ADHD meds and how much she is using. Cutting her income might not be the best thing. Let's face it, young women can easily get their drugs paid for. As for the 'older people ' comment, we were the rave generation, who do you think was buying the ecstasy? We all stopped our usage and carried on with our lives.

I think a lot of the advice you give is sound but my two ND DC really struggle with laundry. Admittedly the older one isn't probably helped with the amount of hours he works.

Presumably your DD would be OK with another young child such as Olivia Pratt-Korbel being killed? OK with young black men being stabbed?

Ask her.

I think if she's got enough money for recreational drugs she can probably afford to pay for her own car and give you some rent money.