At wits end with DS bedtime

Are you single OP? You sound as if you are which makes it harder.

I'm no expert but I don't sleep much. The problem isn't him not sleeping it's him pulling on curtains, coming out of his room etc.

Maybe start an evening routine for you, screens off, dimmed lights, reading book. Maybe a hot chocolate. Make it a boring but restful time.

Have some things he is allowed to do once he does go to his room, listen to stories, read (once he can read), drawing maybe.

Don't feel guilty, it's so bloody hard sometimes and even harder when they have ASD. Our paediatrician wouldn't diagnose melatonin, not sure why but its worth an ask in case yours will.

Hi op.
Thus must be really tough for you. I sympathise, I have been there.
We would spend hours trying to persuade our 2 yr old to go to sleep. He would just be awake, get up frequently, we were constantly reading, hushing, stroking, listening to calming music, watching the star projector etc. He would also wake throughout the night and come into our bed. We were exhausted and like you, missed our evenings and 'our time'. Oddly he wasn't exhausted so is obviously just one of those kids who doesn't need 12 hours sleep!
In the end, we decided to just go with the flow. We let him stay up until 9, he wasn't sleeping before then anyway. And we found we were all calmer and it was a happier home. (We have 2 older children that were also getting frustrated with us constantly seeing to him). We just accepted we'd have our time when he was older.
He's now 5.5 and goes to bed at 8pm. No problems. Rarely comes into our bed during the night.
Granted he doesn't have ASD, but sometimes I think just there is too much pressure from society to stick to certain rules! My sister and mum were horrified he wasn't in bed at 7pm (still are!). But this works for us. We have quiet time playing quiet games or bath and books etc, but it's quality time rather than everyone getting het up trying to get to bed.
It's not easy, find what works for you.

I feel for you it’s exhausting! My 7yo daughter has just been diagnosed asd and is the same with sleep. I’ve found white noise helps her.

Sorry - actually I just read supernanny and baulked - having reread pps post I take it back. In general I'm not a fan of supernanny but I made a mistake here.

If you suspect you son is autistic and gets a diagnosis, your paediatrician may diagnose melatonin. This is the only thing that worked for us.

The time before melatonin was so hard and you have my sympathy xxx

Don't do this. It will not work for an autistic child and will almost certainly make matters worse and traumatise him. He isn't choosing this behaviour, he isn't misbehaving.

OP, personally I have found that resetting my own expectations and prioritising self care whenever I am able to has helped me to be more patient. Also lots of reading on autistic adult led Facebook groups, and listening to Yvonne Newbold seminars has helped me to reframe my own thinking which has helped enormously with my own feelings about the situation.

My ds has asd , hates baths , brushing teeth /bedtime etc … if you get some now and then cards this may help, this time we will have bath this time will brush our teeth and this time we will go to bed . Sometimes they need motivating like something they really want so if I want him to have a bath I will buy him bath bombs or that crazy foam soap . Try to keep bedtime the same time every night if possible . When you put him to bed and he gets out don’t try to put him back , where he is getting frustrated and upset . Just say u can get up for 5 mins then u have to go back to bed and then just keep encouraging him to go back in his bed . I can completely understand why u want to let him come downstairs and sleep there as it is easier. My ds would rather sleep downstairs but I like having my evenings to myself so he goes to sleep in his own bed but if he wakes up then il let hon come down and sleep downstairs and carry him up . Maybe look at is he going to bed too early maybe change his bedtime until a bit later . Also I have no idea if he is going to nursery or school but I always found he use to have so much energy at this age so I use to find going to the park or even going for a walk would help burn his energy

. Is he verbal op ? Does he understand Instructions ? It does get easier op hang in there

I reccomend watching some Supernanny episodes from back in the day. She literally puts the child back in bed repeatedly with no interaction whilst doing so. No arguing or reasoning, just a calm almost detached (yet kind) vibe. A kid could come downstairs 30 times in a few hours but you just keep keep going with it.

Consistency is the key, they eventually give up and as they learn whatever they do gets the same outcome.

We did it with my son, its much calmer than shouting at eachother and everyone crying! They're too young to understand reasoning.

I lay in his bed and stroke his back and sing him maybe 2 or 3 little songs too. That's a calm gentle way to end the day for him.

my dd was very similar at this age! does your ds turn the lights on after he’s been tucked in? My dd would keep getting out of bed and turning the light on no matter how often she was told not to and it stopped her from settling down. I eventually took the bulb out of the main light and had a plug in lamp for reading stories which I would remove so she just had a soft nightlight In there and it seemed to help. She’s 8 now and is much better although she can still get a but wild when she is over stimulated or over tired at bedtime!

How about a Tonie box? My DS loves to lay and listen to it. Especially the fact ones about dinosaurs or animals.

By the time it's finished he's fast asleep.

My 3 year old loves her yoto player. We've set it so that it's nighttime mode starts during her bedtime routine and she can listen to the daily podcast and then she changes it over to the radio which plays sleepy music when she's ready. Her being in control really helps her.

We have the same issues with our DD7 who has adhd. Sometimes we spend nearly 2 hours getting her to bed! Things to try;

Weighted blanket(can be expensive so shop around, ours is from home bargains)
Chamomile tea(get a honey flavoured one)
Audio books
Set routine and do it the same way every night.
Read books -let him pick 2 each night
Projector light
Fan for white noise
Blackout blinds
Sleep spray(child's farm do a good one)
Sleep cream(lush do a nice one called sleepy)
Jigsaw or card games

We don't bath her every night as it has the opposite effect and overstimulates. We also keep screens out the bedroom. No squash, only water at bedtime.

I think most parents feel like this if they are honest. Does DH help with this? You did say 'we' in your post but is he supporting enough?

My dd is autistic, unfortunately she never needed much sleep - as a newborn she was awake a lot! We just accepted she didn't go to bed until 9pm, 9.30 lights out. She did love books then read to her self, we then put on music (classical, nothing too dramatic) on a cd.

I've had my fair share of 1ams trying to get her to sleep but that was mostly from 10 years old. As an adult she typically needs 5-6 hours a night, admittedly I'm similar. Waiting until later to start bedtime might not be what you want to hear but it did work for us

I second blackout blinds or dark curtains that helps us in the summer.
We have a projector nightlight..might be too stimulating with asd mind but ds is afraid of the dark.
Anything that makes a soothing noise, white noise or the sound of a fan is good.
No napping in our case, find at this age if ds naps he takes longer to fall asleep.
Warm milk and favourite toy in bed.

things that have helped with our suspected asd dc 6

weighted blanket
routine, set bedtime
blackout blinds
yoto stories (audio books no screen and he has control) with sound limits overnight set up via the app
But most of all snuggy pod blackout tent. We've just gone from still up at 9:30-10, awake for a couple of hours talking to himself in the middle of the night waking everyone up and up at first light (despite blackout blinds) Now he is asleep 7:30-8 at the latest and still asleep until 7. Completely stopped the night time wakings, I can't believe it, hoping it's going to last (been 4 weeks so far) really hoping it's going to work on holiday this year and save me starting it off with 2 or 3 nights of very little sleep

It worked quite well for us in getting him to settle a bit earlier / gently resetting his body clock a bit and stopped the getting out of bed a million times to tell us all the VERY IMPORTANT things he had suddenly recalled (mostly! still have the odd bad day)

I was very tired though for the first few weeks and had to remind myself that I wouldn't actually be having a more restful evening if I'd tried to get him into bed at 8 and he'd just stayed up until 11 anyway! I'd have just been more frustrated.

We did also keep a regular wake up time as mentioned above.

Sleep clinic gave us the following advice for our ASD child:

Start off with a late bedtime - make it be about an hour before whatever time he is actually getting to sleep at the moment (for us that meant starting bedtime at 10pm to begin with)

Have a really set bedtime routine which includes:

No screen time for an hour before bed

Sleepy foods: have something not long before bed, in that last hour, bananas are good, dairy - milk, porridge is good. Basically supper can help

Do a hand eye coordination activity for 20 minutes or so. So something like lego, building a tower, jigsaw etc.

Have a bath / shower to get body temp up or if that's not tolerated (DS will only do that on set days!) gets pyjamas nice and warm before putting them on

Have bedroom quiet and dark, no toys out in the room at night, walls ideally as plain as possible in immediate view of bed.

Every 3-4 days, once the routine is in place, move the time 15 minutes earlier. So if you started with the routine from 10pm and sleep at 11pm, move it to 9.45pm and hopefully sleep at 10.45pm. Keep going until you get to the bedtime you want.

Sounds tough. You've probably already heard or read this, but I was advised to implement a consistent morning wake up time which then made an improvement to the time that my DD9 went to sleep in the evening. We wake her up at 7am EVERY morning. She's grumpy but we persist. She's now settling half an hour earlier (at about 915) and no longer getting out of her bed to do similar things that you describe. Might be worth a try if you've not already....

I have just posted similar issues with my three year old. It's shit. Like your DS she just won't switch off, none of the things people suggest work, cuddles don't work, routine makes no difference. Really struggling with it potentially being like this for a number of years.