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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP behaviour. Aibu to this is behaviour is abusive?

66 replies

Pineapplesquares · 11/07/2023 02:49

Atm I'm doing alot of work in my counselling on boundaries because tbh I've never had any or if I did I let people trample on them. This has resulted in me having previous abusive relationships etc. I've done so much work on myself over the 6 years since I left my DC dad.
This brings us to yesterday. In my counselling session I said I felt angry that people try to blame me when I set a boundary and try to put myself first for once.

I had spoken to DP on the phone earlier and we only get 1 night together every other weekend. However this weekend I need to do a carboot for money and declutter purposes. I said I wouldn't be able to stay this weekend as need to be up early to be there for 6am. We live 40 mins apart and I'd have to travel there with all my stuff in the car and wake up before 5am to get there if I stayed at DP.
She didn't like the fact I said this and told me I was being selfish and not putting them first. However last Friday DP had a child free night and I'd excitedly asked if they wanted to come to an event with me and DC. She said no and went out with her friend. I was supportive and said yea sure you're friend needs you atm.

Today after the first carboot chat she sent me some holiday date messages. I was just about to go in to my counselling appointment and then I went food shopping so in all about 2 hours I didn't text back. She deleted the messages and said she felt I didn't care about her. I explained I had been busy. She then said she didn't like it when I got annoyed about the not staying at hers chat earlier. I told her that she had made me feel selfish for doing a carboot and I said I'm fed up of always being made to feel bad when I put myself first. She replied do what you want, this isn't working and hasn't spoken to me since.
Aibu to think this is abusive? Even though I've done the work I worry I still don't recognise the signs.

OP posts:
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PTSDBarbiegirl · 12/07/2023 12:48

Your counselling is helping because you are beginning to recognise red flags. Your partner sounds controlling & selfish. You could be much happier with a partner who supports you. A loving partner puts YOU first. Don't accept it, move on she won't change. People never do.

Original poster
Pineapplesquares · 12/07/2023 12:45

yellowsmileyface · 12/07/2023 11:03

Whilst how your DC feel about your partner is important, it's not enough of a reason to continue things if you're not happy.

As for the holiday, to be honest there will always be future plans that makes it feel more difficult to end things. I've been there, where I'd continuously think "I can't end things now because this event is coming up, I'll wait until after", and then more things would get planned and I felt trapped in a cycle of never-ending events. Trips, concerts, weddings, birthdays... it all seems so trivial now.

I really feel if you take her on this holiday with you, there will probably be drama and tense atmospheres. I know it might feel harsh to end things right beforehand, but I honestly think you'd be glad and relieved that you did.

This is it I feel trapped in a cycle of events coming up. She's spoken about us living together and I can confidently say I do not wish to live with her. I near it wouldn't be a nice environment.
Also agree with you and think this holiday she would cause drama. Every holiday we have been on in the past has been some kind of drama. Always!

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 12/07/2023 11:03

Whilst how your DC feel about your partner is important, it's not enough of a reason to continue things if you're not happy.

As for the holiday, to be honest there will always be future plans that makes it feel more difficult to end things. I've been there, where I'd continuously think "I can't end things now because this event is coming up, I'll wait until after", and then more things would get planned and I felt trapped in a cycle of never-ending events. Trips, concerts, weddings, birthdays... it all seems so trivial now.

I really feel if you take her on this holiday with you, there will probably be drama and tense atmospheres. I know it might feel harsh to end things right beforehand, but I honestly think you'd be glad and relieved that you did.

Laserbird16 · 11/07/2023 21:45

Don't feel guilty, your DC will prefer a happy relaxed parent. Plus the holiday she just doesn't come ... because your breaking up with her. She isn't good for you.

PineappleLatte · 11/07/2023 21:41

Honestly, life is too short for this drama. You don’t sound happy and you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Pineapplesquares · 11/07/2023 21:05

I guess a part of me also feels guilty on my DC because he's really likes her and her DC. There's so much going on in his life atm with his dad taking me to court I guess I feel bad on him.
We are also supoose to be going away for 4 nights next week with my family too.

OP posts:
Crossornot · 11/07/2023 20:40

You don’t need to feel anxious, OP. You can and should break up with her. Wanting to end it is a good enough reason, it doesn’t have to be about what the other person has done or not done.

Message to say you agree with her, it isn’t working, and you’re ending it. You honestly never have to see her again.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/07/2023 20:31

Honestly OP, this relationship sounds like very hard work. Are you getting anything positive out of it at all?

It's so great you are doing work on yourself and boundaries. Maybe you should finish that work before getting involved with someone. Your present DP is leaving you "walking on eggshells" which is the absolute opposite of how a DP is supposed to make you feel.

JudgeRudy · 11/07/2023 20:16

I think the problem might be that whilst you are working at being more assertive eg putting boundaries in place, you don't seem to have mastered dealing with conflict. For me, I accept that conflict within a relationship is inevitable at some stage and being able to manage these occurances is critical to the success of the relationship.
You've prioritised the car boot sale over you 2. That's OK, but don't pretend otherwise. If you wanted to see her enough you would. Invite her to yours for the evening or even to the car boot. She had a child free evening. She preferred to do something 'adult' and go out with friend rather than be with you and your child. That's fair enough.
You both sound very needy. You get a night a fortnight together. You don't live together or share children. Enjoy it for what it is and don't be looking for a soul mate with a shared vision....or do, and accept its not her.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2023 20:15

Why are you still talking to her? This relationship needs to end already.

Partyatno10 · 11/07/2023 20:14

🚩red flags op. I'd leave, couldn't be dealing with this nonsense at my age. I'd rather be single

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/07/2023 20:12

I wouldn’t say abusive based on your Op. just a bit dramatic and a bit self centred.

Original poster
Pineapplesquares · 11/07/2023 20:04

Ah feeling anxious. She has been messaging me saying how she feels I don't bother etc. All I've done our whole relationship is run after her. Run to hers, gave up all my child free time to be with her. Even stopped doing my hobby. Now I'm taking that time back and doing more of what I want to do now she doesn't like it.
Always makes me feel I'm in the wrong. Always. I've told her I'm busy Saturday now as she told me she doesn't think it's working because she's now said she will stay at mine even though she said she didn't want to in the beginning. Her reaction to this is to say she doesn't know where this leaves us and she's now busy the whole weekend

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 11/07/2023 12:41

@Pineapplesquares the silent treatment itself is abusive. She sounds like a pain.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

billy1966 · 11/07/2023 11:44

@yellowsmileyface excellent posts.

Laserbird16 · 11/07/2023 11:31

followmyflow · 11/07/2023 10:04

OP just tell her you agree with her that this isn't working and you won't be getting in contact with her again. It may be sad but you said yourself that you don't even enjoy seeing her anymore, what are you getting out of the relationship? You don't need a special excuse or watertight justification, it sounds like it's making neither of you happy.

This

yellowsmileyface · 11/07/2023 11:16

What you've stated here is absolutely unequivocally enough of a reason to end things.

It's important in relationships to listen to how you're feeling, more so than their specific actions. You're waiting for her to do something so terrible you finally feel you have permission to leave, but the fact you really didn't enjoy staying at her place is a massive sign you're not right for each other. Don't let it get to the point that you snap.

billy1966 · 11/07/2023 11:11

OP, she is a controlling nasty bully.

Why are you tolerating this?

This is not healthy.

What you have listed out is awful behaviour which you continually accept.

She wants to move on so has text you she is sick, having blocked you, so things can carry on.

This is the way it will be until you say you are done, no more.

She is not nice and kind and you are still choosing badly.

Be brave.

If you want a better life, make better choices.

Dump her.

You deserve better.

Original poster
Pineapplesquares · 11/07/2023 10:36

yellowsmileyface · 11/07/2023 09:58

So she's basically admitted she's controlling. No relationship is worth feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and a partner is meant to enhance that, not cause endless stress.

Do you even want to be with this woman? Are you aware you can end it? I don't mean this to sound patronising, but when we have trouble with boundaries, we often feel like we need a really strong reason to end things.

This is exactly it. I feel like is this a strong enough reason?
So many times I've said to myself no this isn't OK but then I just don't walk away. I don't know why I can't just walk away.
In previous relationships I've just taken so much and then it's like I snap and say enough is enough and finally leave.

OP posts:
followmyflow · 11/07/2023 10:04

OP just tell her you agree with her that this isn't working and you won't be getting in contact with her again. It may be sad but you said yourself that you don't even enjoy seeing her anymore, what are you getting out of the relationship? You don't need a special excuse or watertight justification, it sounds like it's making neither of you happy.

Lacucuracha · 11/07/2023 10:03

There is nothing worth staying for here.

Dump her before you get further entangled like moving in together.

She’s a selfish, controlling twat.

yellowsmileyface · 11/07/2023 09:58

So she's basically admitted she's controlling. No relationship is worth feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and a partner is meant to enhance that, not cause endless stress.

Do you even want to be with this woman? Are you aware you can end it? I don't mean this to sound patronising, but when we have trouble with boundaries, we often feel like we need a really strong reason to end things.

ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 09:56

Pineapplesquares · 11/07/2023 08:05

Just received a message from her. No apology just that they feel sick and they are at work crying because they feel sick. That's it. This normally happens she pretends she wasn't mean and returns to normal

Oh for god's sake, dump her. And then block her. She's a selfish, manipulative drama queen who behaves like a 12-year-old. Ugh.

ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 09:53

So, you feel uncomfortable at her house, she's admitted she likes everything her way, she throws a tantrum if you don't instantly reply to messages even though you have other things you need to do, she demands you drop everything to see her even though she won't extend the same courtesy to you, and she turns all this into a massive drama? Why on Earth are you dating this woman? She's a fucking nightmare. Get rid. She's awful.

Personally I think she sounds extremely controlling and possibly emotionally abusive, but you do realise relationship doesn't have to be 'abusive' to be wrong for you, don't you? If someone makes you feel on edge or behaves in a way you feel is unreasonable or annoying or difficult, you don't have to remain in that relationship. if she's behaving like this when she only sees you once a fortnight, things are really not going to improve. She's not right for you and the dynamic between you isn't healthy.

Elsiebear90 · 11/07/2023 09:47

It sounds like you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with her, her behaviour in your updates sounds quite controlling and she sounds very insecure and immature, she’s broken up with you so just stick with it, doesn’t sound like you were happy before this anyway.