For regretting my wedding?

@FuckTheLemonsandBail
and I used the word cross, which you put in inverted commas, because I couldn’t think of a better word as it doesn’t make me angry as such. I thought the word suitably reflected that I find it frustrating to think that the family and friends of a couple would make such an assumption about them just because they wanted to say their vows to each other again. I should have said frustrated rather than cross.

@FuckTheLemonsandBail
I don’t think I’ve been judgmental about people’s views, I’ve been judgmental by people’s judgments!
I think you’re wrong about most people assume an affair and this thread alone shows that lots of people wouldn’t jump to that conclusion.
A renewal of vows doesn’t mean the initial vows are not valid anymore but rather acknowledges their importance and some couples want to say those words to each other again.
christians regularly reaffirm their baptismal vows and this doesn’t mean they need to be rebaptised or that their baptism is invalid. It is about wanting to say the words again for whatever reason.
Incidentally, my post wasn’t at all judgemental about people that do renew their vows after infidelity! So, I think it’s a bit of a stretch, based upon all the other posts on this thread, to say I’ve been the one that is judgmental.

After reading through different ideas from people, I’m leaning toward maybe doing a small vow renewal type thing with just the 4 of us. Where we can write some vows but it can be intimate and private. Then having an anniversary party with a cake, music and all that. Then we could go on a proper holiday/second honeymoon instead of just a weekend in the UK.

@Weddingregret I think that sounds perfect. I really don’t get the disdain for vow renewals, why wouldn’t you want to update your pledge, we all change over time. Bet Jennifer Anniston wishes she could do it in reverse and say “I’m never making you another banana milkshake again you cheating twat!” Your plans sound lovely and I bet the kids will get a kick out of being included. If I ever get married again I am eloping and the witnesses will be whomever I can drag in off the street! Do the private part, have a kick ass party and then fly somewhere lovely for a fortnight.

Your new plans sound great. Hope you have a lovely time.

I do. I frown at them… they are a bit naff. Like baby showers and big elaborate proposals

I think the new ring thing is the perfect excuse to have a big party followed by a great holiday four you and the DC. You can call it a ring presentation ceremony and say a few words of appreciation and love to each other if you want or not if you don’t.

I'm sorry it had to come to NC for you. Me, too, unfortunately.

My only difference was that I'd been with DH for 10 years before we married, and we didn't ask anyone's opinions on how we should go about marrying. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision when deciding what to do to celebrate our decade together! The saddest thing is that his parents have always shown so little interest in him, it never even occurred to me that anyone might mind.

As the people least involved with us, the fact that they were the only ones who later kicked up a stink says much.

At a younger age I'd also have been more susceptible to outside opinion. It's taken me twice that long finally to run out of my (very considerable) patience with my MiL. With some people, you simply cannot win.

I would think there was some sort of cheating- based on all the ones I have been to have involved a cheating partner (sample size of 4)

Just been to a lovely family anniversary party. Dressing up, speeches, cake cutting etc. They didn't renew vows but I don't think anyone would have batted an eye if they had done. I think the main difference from a wedding is less of a feeling of obligation among family to attend, we went because we wanted to go, and overseas family didn't. But that seems an improvement to me!

I think you should go for it. It sounds like you have good reasons to, children being there, ring not fitting etc. Even if you didn't have good reason, you get one life and you should live it as you wish. I've also never heard of vow renewal being because someone cheated, I've never looked at it as such or as something weird or attention seeking. It sounds like you both want to do it, so why not? Have the day of your dreams and create memories to look back on rather than looking back in regret and stuff what anyone else thinks 😊

We are totally NC with MIL now and have been for about 18 years so I really wish I'd been stronger and just said no and had made my own choices. I was young and wanted to please and make people happy. You live and you learn! ❤️

In the same vein look how many people on this thread have said they’ve never heard of it being associated with cheating. I’d say it’s 50:50 so not obtuse.

In the same way that you consider renewal cheapening whereas others find it reaffirming and beautiful. Horses for courses I guess.

I have been to a few renewals over the last couple of years (usually anniversary mark) i have never considered it to be about cheating. Go for it, go whole hog and explain to guest no gifts required if people see it as a money thing. Enjoy the day of your dreams. We only live once and arent long on this planet certainly not long enough to have regrets that you can fix.....Vote here for you NOT AIBU

Definitely an IRL thing. Look at how many people have pointed out that it was their understanding of renewals. Clearly not everyone has heard of it but it absolutely isn't a MN thing, and posters saying it must be because they hadn't heard of it are being a bit obtuse considering the number of responses saying it's a real life thing lol.

Just something to bear in mind for anyone considering one. And unfortunately the more someone tries to point out it's not after infidelity the more guests will think they're just trying to convince themselves. It's just one of those things. Personally I think there's something beautiful about the fact that marriage vows are intended to be permanent until death or divorce. Renewing it feels a bit like cheapening the original promise unless the promise was broken, but people can do what they want with their cash.

Are you okay? I mean that genuinely. I've responded to one poster who was in a tizz about the general perception of vow renewals, and then to you, who bizarrely took umbrage with that (possible that you're the vicar's other username). Many people have pointed out that the general perception of a vow renewal is that it's after infidelity, and I certainly haven't said they can't be for any other reason, just that that's why many people will think.

I'm guessing you've had a vow renewal and are now upset panicking about what guests might have intimated about your relationship? But trying to start a scrap with anonymous people on mumsnet is unlikely to bring you any closure on that. or whatever else is behind your behaviour. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope you can find a way forwards with whatever is going on with you. Life is too short to allow yourself to be eaten up by words on a forum 😊

Sorry, OP, I haven't RTFT. But my friend did exactly this a few years ago. She didn't do a ceremony but she did everything that usually comes afterwards starting from the meal - big meal, cake, first dance, party. Her and her DP had wedding outfits, hair/make-up, flowers, speeches etc.

Like you, her first wedding wasn't what she'd hoped for because of various reasons. So she decided to do it again.

In her invite she was really clear on the reasons for doing it (that her first wedding was a bit of a let down), that they were happily married and now wanted a chance to celebrate their marriage how they actually wanted to. She was clear that there was no obligation to come, that they absolutely didn't want presents, and that this wasn't a vow renewal.

Obviously they had far fewer people come along but the people who did come where those genuinely invested/cared rather than aunts/uncles who felt obliged.

So, yes, go for it. But adjust your expectations. And I'd also say you need 'better' reasons for asking people to come to another wedding/event than just your hair/outfit wasn't quite what you wanted.

FWIW, vow renewal 100% screams cheating in my book.

It’s a real life thing. I was in a pub at the weekend and overheard a conversation where someone’s vow renewal was mentioned. The first response was “Who cheated?”

I agree. Only couple I know who renewed vows was because he cheated.
That was long, long before I discovered MN.

I understand why you feel you missed out OP but I think it’s a double edged sword.
Everyone I know who spent £20k plus on a ‘big traditional’ wedding ends up regretting it at least a bit and would rather have that money to do other things with.
Everyone I know who either eloped or has a small cheap wedding ends up regretting they ‘missed out on the big experience’

I don’t think there is a wedding you could have that you wouldn’t end up feeling somewhat remorseful about.

If you want to renew your vows then do it, it doesn’t matter what others think or their opinions. I’d be cautious about building your expectations of others though, dependant on what sort of family/friendship circle you have. In my circles a vow renewal would earn a few raised eye brows and sarcastic comments and I’m not sure would be taken too seriously so I wouldn’t bother as feel I’d ultimately we disappointed 😂 but your family and friends might think it totally normal.

Is it an MN thing or an IRL thing? I have literally never heard of it as being associated with cheating

It’s a real life thing. I was in a pub at the weekend and overheard a conversation where someone’s vow renewal was mentioned. The first response was “Who cheated?” From a man who didn’t look like he scrolled through MN. I could be wrong though.

I don't understand why couples can't be left alone/encouraged to have the wedding THEY want, rather than facing such pressure to have the kind of wedding others believe you should have. You MiL had her wedding, and presumably organized it the way she wanted. Why couldn't she have allowed you the same courtesy?

We did elope. Orthodoxy, following tradition 'because you're supposed to' and big parties are not our thing at all, and I personally find the idea of speeches and first dances especially tedious. The in-laws strongly disapproved of our choice (and have never forgiven me for not relinquishing my own family name). Everyone else, including my family, were thrilled for us.

We've never for one moment regretted it and would do the same again. I'm only sorry your family's thinking it's all about them deprived you of the wedding you wanted. I'm all for people doing these things in a way that makes them happy.

@GwinCoch its definitely a MN thing.

@FuckTheLemonsandBail you realise that because promises don’t have expiration dates does not negate the fact that people often renew vows based on big milestones or events in their life, infidelity being only one of those right?

Quite frankly you are close minded and determined to start a fight with everyone on here that does not see vow renewals as a marker for infidelity. You must have had some events in your life that have caused you to be incredibly bitter, I hope you can move past those.

Is it an MN thing or an IRL thing? I have literally never heard of it as being associated with cheating. Probably comes down to social circles if it is as prevalent as is being suggested. I’ve been to two and they were just about a sweet reaffirmation of love. No naïvety here, just my own life experience at the grand old age of 44.