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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's not interested?

92 replies

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 21:41

Going to try keep this short and factual. Been seeing someone on and off since I was 18, I am now 31.

I would say over the past 13 years, he has definitely been more into it than I have been. I've enjoyed the sex, the company, I'm comfortable with him but have never really wanted to or been ready to go any deeper. He has made it clear and tried throughout the years to make it serious and claims he is in love with me.

He was just in a relationship for 10 months, however, they split and I met with him again. Had a great night, was like old times.

He messaged me since and was making conversation and then asked when he could see me again. We arranged for Wednesday night.

On Wednesday he text apologising saying that he had to work Wednesday night. I replied saying no worries, another time. No response.

Tried to get a hold of him a few more times over Friday and Saturday via WhatsApp and phone call. No response. His messages were then just showing one tick. I was concerned as he has NEVER stopped communication like this and found it very odd. So I contacted his recent ex - I probably shouldn't have but I assumed he was with her.

I was polite and just said I was trying to get in touch with him about something. She said she hadn't heard from him. End of conversation.

Tonight I got a message on Facebook. Messages have gone like this -

Him - Hello had to get a new phone, lost all my numbers. What’s going on, you were messaging exes name? I don’t know what for?

Me - Eh because you disappeared? Glad you’re fine.

Him - I had to work then my smashed my phone. I sent u a couple of messages (he didn't) aye sorry don’t like letting folk down.

Me - Fair enough, was just responding to your question about why I contacted exes name - was to check if you were okay. Assumed you’d be with her.

Him - Why would I be with her a told you I was working. I've no reason to lie or anything about my whereabouts, fair enough.

Me - I’d just rather people were honest rather than worrying about hurting my feelings. But yeah glad you’re okay. Hope work etc goes well for you.

Him - Completely honest in everything am saying, I don't know what am I not being honest about?

Me - Just everything, you’re clearly not into it. You’ve got a lot on your plate so will just leave you be

Him - Listen I am but aye, am just trying to have a low stress period. I was working on Wednesday and my phone broke that day. I wouldn’t lie so I have literally been chilling.

Me - fair enough. I won’t contact you again so you can have your low stress period.

Him - i never said that at all, I was wanting to see what happend with us. Still don’t understand why u would message exes name? These just aren’t things that I would do or expect someone to do.

Me - Yeah kind of have to actually see someone to see what happens. Why do you care if I messaged her? I’ll send you the messages, I literally asked if you were with her as I was worried. Like you were meant to be over at mines weds, you cancelled cause you were working. Fair enough. Then heard absolutely nothing from you despite messaging and I phoned you, you hadn’t been on Facebook. How was I to know that you had smashed your phone? You seem so concerned that I messaged her, not sure why, no bad intentions. If she’s causing drama about it then that’s on her. (Sent him screenshots of messages to ex)

Him - Alright, yeah so a managed to get on Facebook for 5 on Friday and just had hunners of messages from her. Aye it’s no really that bad, couldn’t message u as had u blocked from last time. Am no too concerned, it’s that a still respect her as a person so wouldn’t want her to think as soon as we split up me n u were on the go. It’s just the way a think it’s maybe wrong I don’t know.

Him - Aw never mind it’s generally nothing to talk about. Are ye alright anyway what u up to?

Me - It’s fine, I’m just feeling really insecure at the moment, don’t know what’s wrong with me just now. Anyway forget about it, all good.

Him - Aw don’t, you're doing good, I was just feeling sorry for myself when my phone broke. Sorry if I have brought that on, should have tried harder to get hold of you but was scunnered and down.

AIBU to think he's just not over his ex and isn't interested in me anymore? I feel like he's just repulsed by me after one night and has lost interest.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
instantick · 05/12/2023 13:25

even the way he speaks is icky yak

Bluebellsarebest · 15/07/2023 09:21

Honestly? your decision to contact his ex was overstepping the boundaries, and unreasonable. You were aware they just split and it would potentially create an issue. I feel that that was unfair on them both, particularly suggesting it was her causing the drama. Secondly, his explanation to you for not responding sounds completely believable. His responses seem sensible and kind.

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 09:12

If you have the sort of relationship with his ex that it's ok to message her then fine
I'm assuming he was with her and not you so you may have been stirring drama ?

It is weird to have a casual fuck buddy for so long who neither of you wants a proper relationship ??!
I'd let him drift off so you can start a proper relationship with a committed person - don't you think you deserve that ?

Screwballs · 15/07/2023 09:08

Christ OP, you sound a bit full on for someone that claims he was more into it than you. You shouldn't have text his ex, you surely knew what the implication was, that wasn't fair at all on either her or him. Very manipulative. You literally had no one else in his life you could check with?

Sounds like you don't really want him, you just want him to want you. I think leave it alone.

GiddyGladys · 15/07/2023 08:46

What am I reading? This is crazy. Take some time to think what you really want from a relationship and stop playing around with this poor bloke.

WildUnchartedWaters · 15/07/2023 01:15

ladydimitrescu · 14/07/2023 19:17

Fucking hell - please actually leave the poor bloke alone and do go back when you're bored, or jealous of his next relationship.

Show quote history

This.

WildUnchartedWaters · 15/07/2023 01:14

conflictedaf · 14/07/2023 17:20

I've decided I'm no longer interested and will leave him alone now.

Youre not interested?! Til when?

Please stop damaging this man.

Densol57 · 14/07/2023 19:28

You are showing classic signs of severe BPD as very well outlined by a previous poster.

Leave this poor man alone.

Seek help from a therapist for BPD or whatever they diagnose.

ladydimitrescu · 14/07/2023 19:17

conflictedaf · 14/07/2023 17:20

I've decided I'm no longer interested and will leave him alone now.

Fucking hell - please actually leave the poor bloke alone and do go back when you're bored, or jealous of his next relationship.

britneyisfree · 14/07/2023 17:36

🐰

Original poster
conflictedaf · 14/07/2023 17:20

I've decided I'm no longer interested and will leave him alone now.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 11/07/2023 17:18

You sound incredibly hard work. Messaging the ex and those messages.

sounds to me like you’ve spent 13 dangling him off your little finger and enjoying the adoration and how he is not as keen you are desperately trying to reel him in so he can hang off your every word again and provide you with an ego boost as and when you need it. I’ve seen it plenty of times this dynamic and It’s such a shit thing to do to someone. Let him go find someone who actually likes him.

Ladybug14 · 11/07/2023 17:17

Let the poor guy go and be happy

You need some therapy

Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 17:11

Why did you split up last time? It seems like you have a massive trust issues (sometimes justified/sometimes not).

You have jumped 1-1000 over one day which isn't a normal reaction in a new relationship. There is more than 1 issue at play. It seems like you are hoping to pick up where you left off and I don't think that is ever possible (with a historic relationship).

This man owes you nothing and if he was someone new he would have blocked and deleted you. Contacting his ex was massively out of order, but accusing her of stiring up trouble is unfair. She has every right to contact 'him' about unsolicited contact initiated by you.

Realistically you have blown it. Unless you are prepared to make a massive apology to both of them? Your reaction to cut ties because you are focusing on your own feelings (protection/self pity) and not on what you have done or protecting the relationship with 'him'. Do you generally have issues with trust or is it just this man/relationship?

Your reaction is so intense, I think some counselling would be useful for you (for any future relationship). I hope you are ok and you have someone to talk too Daffodil

FuckOffTom · 11/07/2023 16:40

Newnamehiwhodis · 11/07/2023 02:10

I feel like this could be a sort of gift to you, if you’d look at what this situation awakened in you, and get extremely fierce about seeking healing for that.
therapy, lots of it.
we all have moments in life when we don’t access our best selves, and it feels like this is a moment for you. He didn’t do anything to deserve blocking - and contacting the ex was not a very good thing to do - imagine how she might feel, she’s trying to heal from a breakup.

we all have shitty moments in life- don’t let it define you, but also learn from it and heal

Best comment. Said with kindness.
Some of the other responses are cruel.

OP, give yourself a little time to calm down and him too. Then, when you’re ready, message him and ask to meet up and talk. Be open, vulnerable and honest. Tell him what you told us - you have an ‘avoidant attachment style’ or whatever it’s called. See where the land lies. If he isn’t interested, leave him with parting words of respect and move on.

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 16:30

I saw your update OP. I imagine the meet up will be him apologising and trying to make things right as he loves you, which will only validate your behaviour.

As Op have said, you need to leave this and get help and support.

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 16:22

YABVU OP.

You have been keeping this guy along for 13 YEARS. You know he loves you but you werent interested.

He then splits from his relationship and youce decided hes your possession. You messaged his ex to ask where he was?

You've posted a lengthy interaction which actually paints him incredibly well.

I saw your response of 'I want to now though'. Does that mean he is now answerable to you when you werent interested for 13 years?

All this passive agressiveoing and froing over days when thata not the real issue. His pals will have told him to sack you off years ago.

By the way - did you contact people in his life if you couldnt get hold of him any other time in the last 12 years,.out of interest?

Sorry OP, but you're bang out of order here and I am surprised hes still around. I think you should let him go and let the poor man find happiness.

ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 16:05

conflictedaf · 11/07/2023 00:02

We've been in a relationship during chunks of that time, not just been sleeping together. We have been a proper couple, he has never been the one doing the breaking up, he'd always made it clear he was in it for the long haul. I had a awful childhood and has led to me really struggling with commitment but also get severe anxiety if I perceive someone is pulling away and so I'll cut them off with no discussion to stop myself getting hurt.

He knows me in and out and never judges me for my outbursts and is just always kind and caring but I've pushed him away so many times that he seems to be just done. He said we would take this slow and see what happens this time but I've blown it already.

He's had relationships in between, as have I. Always short term and never seem to go anywhere, we keep in touch throughout.

Show quote history

OP, regardless of your emotional issues from your childhood, you have treated this man like shit, for years, and he has just put up with it. Why should he continue to patiently be there for you when you have repeatedly dumped him and subjected him to these sorts of 'outbursts' over the years? Please get some therapy and work on your issues. You are not ready for a relationship with anyone, and especially not him.

ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 15:59

You've been seeing him 'on and off' for 13 years and throughout that time, he's made it clear that he wants something more while you kept telling him you didn't want anything serious.

Then he goes off-grid for a couple of days and you felt the need to contact his ex-girlfriend about him? What on earth is wrong with you? And no, I don't believe you were actually worried about his welfare at all. You literally just couldn't bear the idea that he wasn't the one doing all the chasing for the first time, and you were hoping that if he was back together with his ex, you'd be able to fuck it for him for messaging her.

You've been messing him around stringing him along for 13 years; you have absolutely no right to be acting as if he's in the wrong for being briefly unavailable and you certainly have no right to be contacting his ex-partners about him. Frankly, I hope he isn't interested, because the dynamic here is unhealthy.

PineappleLatte · 11/07/2023 15:59

You sound like a nightmare. Poor bloke.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 15:55

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 11/07/2023 15:37

Thought he was blocked

I think the OP was ‘giving him a week’ prior to blocking.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 11/07/2023 15:55

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 11/07/2023 15:37

Thought he was blocked

I predicted she would unblock him fairly quickly as I used to be similar to this and did the same when I was a lot younger.

catsnhats11 · 11/07/2023 15:53

Yes he does sound interested to me, he's probably been in love with you the whole time, you said so yourself, and he wouldn't have let you string him along all these years or been so nice to your quite frankly ridiculous text messages and behaviour.

You didn't need to message his ex at all, you were jealous and wanted to check he wasn't with her and that she knew you were back in the picture. Surely after 13 years you know another friend or relative to contact (hot that you needed to contact anyone anyway).

If you want a future with him, why have you been playing games for 13 years, yes I know you say MH issues but honestly you should let him go. I think he loves / loved you but you don't seem to (truly) love him back.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 11/07/2023 15:37

Thought he was blocked

OneTwoThreeShake · 11/07/2023 15:35

So you've known him for 13 years but the only person you could contact when you were worried about him was his recent ex?

I'm sure you think it isn't really obvious that you were fishing, but it really is. If he's pissed off he's absolutely right to be.

You probably need some therapy of sorts as this isn't normal behaviour.